One of my clients, whose ex-girlfriend recently broke up with him, asked me the following question:
"I think I still love her, but is this love or just emotional
dependency? Many times I ask myself if falling in love comes from the
wounded self because (for me at least) it feels as if I can't live
without the other person. When I give love from the heart, I don't
expect anything back, but when I ‘fall in love’ I think this is a
different energy."
Falling in love can come from two different inner states. When you fall
in love from the wounded self - the ego self - you are in love with how
the other person loves you. You are handing over to the other person
the responsibility for your self-worth and wellbeing, and if he or she
does a good job of attending to you in the way you want to be attended
to, then you may say you are "in love." However, it is not so much the
person you love, but how he or she loves you. When it feels as if you
can't live without the other person, it is emotional dependency. The
part of you that is "in love" is really a child or adolescent who is
needy for love because you are not giving love to yourself or to others.
There is an emptiness inside that you expect someone else to fill,
because you are not taking responsibility for your own feelings of
self-worth. You are attaching your worth to another's love, which is why
you can't live without that person.
When you fall in love as a loving adult, instead of as a wounded, needy
child or adolescent, your need for the relationship is totally
different. As a loving adult, you have learned - through the consistent
practice of Inner Bonding - how to fill yourself with love and define
your own worth. Instead of needing someone to fill you and make you feel
lovable and worthy, you already feel worthy and full of love. You
experience this inner fullness because you have learned how to take full
responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and you have learned to
fill yourself with love from a spiritual source. This fullness
overflows and you want to share this love with another person, another
loving adult who is also filled with love. Your desire is to share love
rather than to get love.
The kind of person you will pick will be totally different when a
loving adult is choosing, than when your wounded self is choosing. The
people we pick have a similar level of woundedness and a similar level
of emotional health. Obviously, the more you have done your Inner
Bonding work to bring love within, and the more you have learned to take
loving care of yourself, the more you will be attracted to someone who
also does this.
When you pick someone from your wounded self, you will pick someone
whom you believe wants the job of filling you up. The problem is that
the other person may be attempting to fill you up in the hopes that you
will also fill up him or her. Two people who each want to get love
rather than share love will eventually find themselves very disappointed
with each other. They will each blame the other for not loving them in
the way they want to be loved. When relationships break up, it is often
because one or both partners are not taking responsibility for their own
feelings and self-worth and are blaming the other for their resulting
unhappiness.
If you are so attached to someone that you feel you can't live without
that person, try learning to give to yourself and others what it is you
want from this person. Your job is to become the person to yourself that
you want the other person to be. Then you will be able to be "in love"
rather than "in need." You will be able to love another person for who
he or she is, rather than for what this person can do for you. Instead
of needing to get love, you can give love from the heart for the joy of
it, and feel filled in the giving.
