Mostrando entradas con la etiqueta Dr Margaret Paul. Mostrar todas las entradas
Mostrando entradas con la etiqueta Dr Margaret Paul. Mostrar todas las entradas
10 dic 2013
7 may 2013
When others are mean, angry, withdrawn or resistant
When others are mean, angry, withdrawn or resistant, compassionately feel your loneliness and heartache but don't take their behavior personally. Their unloving behavior is about their wounded self - not about you.
By Dr. Margaret Paul
By Dr. Margaret Paul
17 oct 2012
Addicted to Porn? By Dr. Margaret Paul
I received the following question when I was conducting a webinar on sexual addiction:
If I was working one-on-one with the questioner – I will call him Lance – this is what I would ask:
"Lance, there must be a very good reason you started to look at porn as an adolescent. What was going on for you then that led to this?"
The following dialogue is a compilation of many such sessions.
Lance might have said: "I was awkward and shy and afraid of getting rejected, but my hormones were over the top. Pornography offered me a way of managing my sexual feelings without having to risk rejection. It was very available and more fun and erotic than fantasy."
"Lance, tell me about your sadness."
"I feel like I let myself down. I had made a decision to abstain and I went back on it. My inner child doesn't like it and doesn't feel good about it. It feels like I violate myself and my values when I use women this way, but sometimes the adolescent part of me acts out."
"Lance, please go inside and ask yourself what you were feeling before you masturbated to porn."
"….I was feeling lonely."
This is almost always the answer I receive when I ask what someone was feeling before acting out with pornography – or most other addictions.
Loneliness is a very hard feeling. This is likely what Lance was feeling as an adolescent, as loneliness is a very common feeling during adolescence. Unfortunately, most of us never learned how to manage loneliness, and many people judge themselves for feeling lonely, so they have learned turn to various addictions to avoid the feeling.
Loneliness is a fact of life. Feeling lonely is not an indication that there is something wrong with you. We feel lonely whenever we want to connect with another person and no one is available to connect with – either because no one is there or because the person there is shut down and unavailable for connection. Lance needed to learn how to manage loneliness in order not to resort to his addiction.
"Lance, right now, see if you can find that place of loneliness inside your heart and soul. Embrace the loneliness with compassion toward yourself – with kindness, gentleness, tenderness, caring and understanding. Can you do this?"
"Yes."
"Now continue to hold that feeling with compassion until it starts to subside. Then be willing to release it to the universe, saying, 'I release this loneliness and replace it with acceptance and peace."
Lance does this. "Now what do you feel?"
"Much better! The sadness is gone and so is the loneliness. I feel lighter."
"Lance, this is what you need to do with all your deeply painful core feelings - loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, helplessness over others, grief and sorrow. When you embrace these very painful feelings with compassion rather than with judgment or by numbing them with addictions, then your inner child doesn't feel alone inside. You can manage these painful feelings when you do this kind of Inner Bonding process."
We all need to learn to manage the deeply painful feelings of life. This is what is necessary in order to not use addictions to numb our feelings.
"I have had a pornography addiction since I was a teenager. I am now in
my mid 30's. For the past four months I have abstained through Inner
Child work, but two days ago I visited a porn site and masturbated. I
feel really sad about this. What is the best way to address this?"
Pornography addiction is quite common. At one of my Five-Day Couples’
Intensives, one of the men was working on his porn addiction and was
feeling embarrassed about it. In an effort to help him, I asked, "How
many of you are addicted to porn?" Among the six couples there, four of
the men raised their hands.If I was working one-on-one with the questioner – I will call him Lance – this is what I would ask:
"Lance, there must be a very good reason you started to look at porn as an adolescent. What was going on for you then that led to this?"
The following dialogue is a compilation of many such sessions.
Lance might have said: "I was awkward and shy and afraid of getting rejected, but my hormones were over the top. Pornography offered me a way of managing my sexual feelings without having to risk rejection. It was very available and more fun and erotic than fantasy."
"Lance, tell me about your sadness."
"I feel like I let myself down. I had made a decision to abstain and I went back on it. My inner child doesn't like it and doesn't feel good about it. It feels like I violate myself and my values when I use women this way, but sometimes the adolescent part of me acts out."
"Lance, please go inside and ask yourself what you were feeling before you masturbated to porn."
"….I was feeling lonely."
This is almost always the answer I receive when I ask what someone was feeling before acting out with pornography – or most other addictions.
Loneliness is a very hard feeling. This is likely what Lance was feeling as an adolescent, as loneliness is a very common feeling during adolescence. Unfortunately, most of us never learned how to manage loneliness, and many people judge themselves for feeling lonely, so they have learned turn to various addictions to avoid the feeling.
Loneliness is a fact of life. Feeling lonely is not an indication that there is something wrong with you. We feel lonely whenever we want to connect with another person and no one is available to connect with – either because no one is there or because the person there is shut down and unavailable for connection. Lance needed to learn how to manage loneliness in order not to resort to his addiction.
"Lance, right now, see if you can find that place of loneliness inside your heart and soul. Embrace the loneliness with compassion toward yourself – with kindness, gentleness, tenderness, caring and understanding. Can you do this?"
"Yes."
"Now continue to hold that feeling with compassion until it starts to subside. Then be willing to release it to the universe, saying, 'I release this loneliness and replace it with acceptance and peace."
Lance does this. "Now what do you feel?"
"Much better! The sadness is gone and so is the loneliness. I feel lighter."
"Lance, this is what you need to do with all your deeply painful core feelings - loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, helplessness over others, grief and sorrow. When you embrace these very painful feelings with compassion rather than with judgment or by numbing them with addictions, then your inner child doesn't feel alone inside. You can manage these painful feelings when you do this kind of Inner Bonding process."
We all need to learn to manage the deeply painful feelings of life. This is what is necessary in order to not use addictions to numb our feelings.
Daily Inspiration
The ego wounded self never wants to give up control, believing it knows more than your higher self. Today, notice who you are putting in charge - your wounded self or Spirit. When you put your wounded self in charge, you will feel anxious and stressed. When you surrender to Spirit being in charge, you will feel peace and joy. By Dr. Margaret Paul
9 oct 2012
What Really Creates Health and Wellbeing? By Dr.Margaret Paul
Research indicates that a major factor in good health - more important than genes, food, or exercise - is how we handle stress.
Our bodies are equipped with a "fight or flight" mechanism that enables us to mobilize our strength when necessary. This mechanism allows us to fight or flee from real and present danger. However, this mechanism is also activated when we BELIEVE there is danger, even when no actual survival danger exists.
For example, it is appropriate for the fight or flight mechanism to activate if you are being physically attacked. When the stress response is activated, blood is taken from our brain and organs and put into our arms and legs to enable us to fight or flee. Our immune system shuts down to give us more energy to physically protect ourselves and ensure our survival in the moment. Once the danger is over and we have discharged the stress through fighting or running, our bodies go back to normal and blood again flows to our brain and organs.
However, what if your thoughts are creating the stress? What if you are imagining being attacked, or being rejected, or losing money, or losing your job, or losing a loved one? In this case, there is no actual real and present danger occurring in the moment. Yet the body does not know the difference between something that is really happening and something that you are thinking about. The body goes into the stress response the moment you think scary thoughts. But instead of being able to fight or flee, you are stuck with the anxiety caused by your thoughts. The blood is in your arms and legs with no way to be released. You can't think very well due to a lack of blood in your brain, your organs are being robbed of necessary nutrients, and your immune system is not functioning properly. Strenuous exercise may release the stress response, but if you keep thinking the scary thoughts, it will just come right back.
Perhaps the most important thing you can do for your health and wellbeing is to become conscious of your thoughts that create stress, and become adept at changing your thoughts. People who have learned how to let challenging things roll off their back generally have good health. People who allow the challenges of life to constantly stress them out often have health problems, even when they eat well and get exercise.
Our minds have been programmed from infancy with many untrue thoughts - many false beliefs. It is when we think these untrue thoughts that we cause ourselves anxiety, and then our bodies go into the stress response. However, we all have an inner or higher "Wise Self" that knows truth from lies. When we move "out of our minds" and into our knowing, we will stop thinking the thoughts that cause anxiety and instead operate from the truth of our knowing.
Thoughts that are untrue cause anxiety. The truth brings peace. If you have a thought that you cannot survive being rejected or being alone, you will feel anxious. However, while this might have been true as a child, it is not true as an adult. Your anxious feeling is letting you know that your thought is untrue. If you then think - from your higher Guidance rather than from your programmed mind: "I can handle rejection. I've been rejected many times and I have not died. I've been alone many times and I have not died," your body will release the anxiety and you will feel peaceful. Your peaceful feeling is telling you that you are now thinking the truth.
The very best thing you can do for your health and wellbeing is to practice Inner Bonding - become aware of the thoughts from your programmed mind that create anxiety, and practice thinking the truth from your Guidance that creates inner peace.
Our bodies are equipped with a "fight or flight" mechanism that enables us to mobilize our strength when necessary. This mechanism allows us to fight or flee from real and present danger. However, this mechanism is also activated when we BELIEVE there is danger, even when no actual survival danger exists.
For example, it is appropriate for the fight or flight mechanism to activate if you are being physically attacked. When the stress response is activated, blood is taken from our brain and organs and put into our arms and legs to enable us to fight or flee. Our immune system shuts down to give us more energy to physically protect ourselves and ensure our survival in the moment. Once the danger is over and we have discharged the stress through fighting or running, our bodies go back to normal and blood again flows to our brain and organs.
However, what if your thoughts are creating the stress? What if you are imagining being attacked, or being rejected, or losing money, or losing your job, or losing a loved one? In this case, there is no actual real and present danger occurring in the moment. Yet the body does not know the difference between something that is really happening and something that you are thinking about. The body goes into the stress response the moment you think scary thoughts. But instead of being able to fight or flee, you are stuck with the anxiety caused by your thoughts. The blood is in your arms and legs with no way to be released. You can't think very well due to a lack of blood in your brain, your organs are being robbed of necessary nutrients, and your immune system is not functioning properly. Strenuous exercise may release the stress response, but if you keep thinking the scary thoughts, it will just come right back.
Perhaps the most important thing you can do for your health and wellbeing is to become conscious of your thoughts that create stress, and become adept at changing your thoughts. People who have learned how to let challenging things roll off their back generally have good health. People who allow the challenges of life to constantly stress them out often have health problems, even when they eat well and get exercise.
Our minds have been programmed from infancy with many untrue thoughts - many false beliefs. It is when we think these untrue thoughts that we cause ourselves anxiety, and then our bodies go into the stress response. However, we all have an inner or higher "Wise Self" that knows truth from lies. When we move "out of our minds" and into our knowing, we will stop thinking the thoughts that cause anxiety and instead operate from the truth of our knowing.
Thoughts that are untrue cause anxiety. The truth brings peace. If you have a thought that you cannot survive being rejected or being alone, you will feel anxious. However, while this might have been true as a child, it is not true as an adult. Your anxious feeling is letting you know that your thought is untrue. If you then think - from your higher Guidance rather than from your programmed mind: "I can handle rejection. I've been rejected many times and I have not died. I've been alone many times and I have not died," your body will release the anxiety and you will feel peaceful. Your peaceful feeling is telling you that you are now thinking the truth.
The very best thing you can do for your health and wellbeing is to practice Inner Bonding - become aware of the thoughts from your programmed mind that create anxiety, and practice thinking the truth from your Guidance that creates inner peace.
Nothing Has Meaning Without Love and Connection By Dr. Margaret Paul
Gretchen is typical of many of the clients that I work with. In our first session she said:
Most therapies do not deal with the underlying cause of anxiety and depression. Lila, a member of the Inner Bonding® website, shared this about her healing process:
I started my work with Gretchen with an Inner Bonding process:
"Gretchen, please tune into what you are feeling right now."
"Sad. Empty. Depressed. Pretty much like I feel most of the time."
"Please breathe into these feelings, getting fully present with them….Can you find a place within you that wants responsibility for being the cause of these feelings?"
"Are you saying that I might be causing these feelings?"
"Yes, you might be. If you are, are you willing to find out what you might be thinking and how you might be treating yourself that is causing them?"
"Well, yes, I am!"
"Your feelings are an inner guidance system. Imagine that your feelings are a child within, letting you know each moment whether you are taking loving care of her, or abandoning her. Now, breathe into your heart, and open to curiosity about what you might be telling yourself or how you might be treating yourself that is causing your inner little girl to feel sad, empty, and depressed. Then focus inside again and allow the feelings to answer."
Child Gretchen: "All you do is judge me, all the time. You are always telling me that I'm not good enough, that I didn't do something right, and that I'm stupid."
Adult Gretchen: "Oh my God! I do this all the time, just like my mother did!"
"And what did you want from your mother?"
"I wanted her to hold me, to care about my feelings, to be kind and gentle with me."
"Isn't this exactly what your inner child wants from you?"
"Yes! But I never thought that this is something I could give to myself. I thought it had to come from someone else."
"Gretchen, do you have any kind of spiritual connection?"
"I believe in God, if that's what you mean."
"Can you talk with God and also hear God talking with you?"
"I don’t know. I've just prayed to God, but I never tried talking to God or listening to God."
"Try it now. Ask God 'What is the first thing I need to start to do to begin to take loving care of my little girl?"
"…………..God says to stop judging her - that she is a wonderful little girl and doesn’t deserve to ever be judged by me. God is showing me as a little girl - I was so sweet!"
"How do you feel right now?"
"Good! I feel good! I feel alive!
Gretchen started to diligently practice Inner Bonding and within a short time, was consistently taking loving care of herself. Life took on new meaning, aliveness and passion for her as she learned to love herself and share her love with others.
I've been depressed on and off throughout my life. Medication helped for a while, but now all it does is make me feel more flat and empty. Life seems to have no meaning for me. Nothing looks beautiful. Nothing is compelling to me. I can't think of anything I really want to do. I've tried many forms of therapy but nothing has worked to heal my depression. I don't know why I'm here on this planet. What is it all about?
Most therapies do not deal with the underlying cause of anxiety and depression. Lila, a member of the Inner Bonding® website, shared this about her healing process:
I must’ve gone through dozens of therapists since my first one at 17. Several were even psychiatrists. And they helped ... but not in an all-the-way-to-the-very-bone way…. I kept working to treat specific problems, but still felt incomplete once they were solved…. it’s because my inner child needed much, much more than that. She needed unconditional love from me—something traditional therapy somehow couldn’t quite provide….Lately, whenever I think about logical, strategic cognitive behavioral therapy, its techniques and tools, my inner child rebels intensely…..self-love comes first; filling up from within comes first. Regardless of my social status, my financial status, my career status, my marital status, without self-love, I have nothing if I don’t have that…. I know that because of Inner Bonding, I will eventually be able to live a normal life….Meditating with a conscious intent to love myself and Inner Bonding with the same intent is becoming my way of learning to love myself unconditionally—regardless of how other people react to me. And I can see that in loving myself, I will also automatically become more loving toward others too.
I started my work with Gretchen with an Inner Bonding process:
"Gretchen, please tune into what you are feeling right now."
"Sad. Empty. Depressed. Pretty much like I feel most of the time."
"Please breathe into these feelings, getting fully present with them….Can you find a place within you that wants responsibility for being the cause of these feelings?"
"Are you saying that I might be causing these feelings?"
"Yes, you might be. If you are, are you willing to find out what you might be thinking and how you might be treating yourself that is causing them?"
"Well, yes, I am!"
"Your feelings are an inner guidance system. Imagine that your feelings are a child within, letting you know each moment whether you are taking loving care of her, or abandoning her. Now, breathe into your heart, and open to curiosity about what you might be telling yourself or how you might be treating yourself that is causing your inner little girl to feel sad, empty, and depressed. Then focus inside again and allow the feelings to answer."
Child Gretchen: "All you do is judge me, all the time. You are always telling me that I'm not good enough, that I didn't do something right, and that I'm stupid."
Adult Gretchen: "Oh my God! I do this all the time, just like my mother did!"
"And what did you want from your mother?"
"I wanted her to hold me, to care about my feelings, to be kind and gentle with me."
"Isn't this exactly what your inner child wants from you?"
"Yes! But I never thought that this is something I could give to myself. I thought it had to come from someone else."
"Gretchen, do you have any kind of spiritual connection?"
"I believe in God, if that's what you mean."
"Can you talk with God and also hear God talking with you?"
"I don’t know. I've just prayed to God, but I never tried talking to God or listening to God."
"Try it now. Ask God 'What is the first thing I need to start to do to begin to take loving care of my little girl?"
"…………..God says to stop judging her - that she is a wonderful little girl and doesn’t deserve to ever be judged by me. God is showing me as a little girl - I was so sweet!"
"How do you feel right now?"
"Good! I feel good! I feel alive!
Gretchen started to diligently practice Inner Bonding and within a short time, was consistently taking loving care of herself. Life took on new meaning, aliveness and passion for her as she learned to love herself and share her love with others.
7 ago 2012
Stop Escalating Conflict!
By Dr. Margaret Paul August 06, 2012
A participant in one of my webinars asked: "Is there any way to resolve conflict if you have two 'escalating' personalities trying to solve a problem? In other words, how do you resolve conflict between two very strong willed, always-right personalities, who tend to escalate with every attempt at solving conflict?"
There is a hard and fast rule about resolving conflict that most people find hard to remember: You cannot resolve conflict unless both people are open to learning.
As long as each person is trying to be right, win, or at least not lose, no new learning can take place. Conflict resolves when new learning occurs due to both people being open to learning about themselves and each other.
What to do When the Conflict is Escalating
It is actually not hard to stop conflicts from escalating; the challenge is remembering to do it. This is hard to remember because, in conflict, often the fight or flight mechanism is activated. If both people involved tend to fight rather than flee, they will generally go on automatic pilot to win.
When the stress response - the fight or flight mechanism - is activated, blood leaves the brain and goes into the arms and legs to enhance the ability to fight or flee You stop thinking well when your focus is on winning the fight. You are likely to say and do things that you would not ordinarily say or do - which, of course, escalates the fight.
What to do?
What you need to remember to do is to disengage the moment the fight starts to escalate. If you wait too long, you will be in the throes of the stress response. Once your amygdala - the survival part of the brain that activates fight or flight - takes over, it is VERY hard to stop. You both are like runaway trains, trying everything you can to win or not lose. That’s when things can get very ugly.
If you disengage the moment the fight starts to escalate, then you can cool off, get your brain back online, and do an Inner Bonding process to see what has gotten triggered in you. You can move into compassion for yourself, make sure you are not taking the other person's words and behavior personally, allow your sadness, loneliness, heartache and helplessness over the other person's behavior to move through you, and then address what is really going on with you. Why do you need to win? What are you trying to control? What are you afraid of? What are you trying to avoid? These are some of the questions you can ask yourself during your Inner Bonding process.
When to Resolve the Conflict
Once you understand your part of the conflict and you feel open hearted and open to learning, you can approach the other person to see if he or she is also ready to learn. If not, then wait. If he or she is open, then the two of you can each share what you've learned in your Inner Bonding process and explore what needs to happen for each of you to feel resolved. This is a wonderful, intimate process that can happen only when both people are open to learning.
If the other person does not open to learning, then you need to let go of trying to resolve the issue between you. You can then do an Inner Bonding process to understand what is in your highest good, given that the other person is not available to resolve the issue. In order to do this, you need to completely accept that you are helpless over getting the other person to open, which is a big challenge for many people.
Even though resolving the issue for yourself is not always ideal, it is far better than the ugliness that often occurs when two people escalate a conflict.
A participant in one of my webinars asked: "Is there any way to resolve conflict if you have two 'escalating' personalities trying to solve a problem? In other words, how do you resolve conflict between two very strong willed, always-right personalities, who tend to escalate with every attempt at solving conflict?"
There is a hard and fast rule about resolving conflict that most people find hard to remember: You cannot resolve conflict unless both people are open to learning.
As long as each person is trying to be right, win, or at least not lose, no new learning can take place. Conflict resolves when new learning occurs due to both people being open to learning about themselves and each other.
What to do When the Conflict is Escalating
It is actually not hard to stop conflicts from escalating; the challenge is remembering to do it. This is hard to remember because, in conflict, often the fight or flight mechanism is activated. If both people involved tend to fight rather than flee, they will generally go on automatic pilot to win.
When the stress response - the fight or flight mechanism - is activated, blood leaves the brain and goes into the arms and legs to enhance the ability to fight or flee You stop thinking well when your focus is on winning the fight. You are likely to say and do things that you would not ordinarily say or do - which, of course, escalates the fight.
What to do?
What you need to remember to do is to disengage the moment the fight starts to escalate. If you wait too long, you will be in the throes of the stress response. Once your amygdala - the survival part of the brain that activates fight or flight - takes over, it is VERY hard to stop. You both are like runaway trains, trying everything you can to win or not lose. That’s when things can get very ugly.
If you disengage the moment the fight starts to escalate, then you can cool off, get your brain back online, and do an Inner Bonding process to see what has gotten triggered in you. You can move into compassion for yourself, make sure you are not taking the other person's words and behavior personally, allow your sadness, loneliness, heartache and helplessness over the other person's behavior to move through you, and then address what is really going on with you. Why do you need to win? What are you trying to control? What are you afraid of? What are you trying to avoid? These are some of the questions you can ask yourself during your Inner Bonding process.
When to Resolve the Conflict
Once you understand your part of the conflict and you feel open hearted and open to learning, you can approach the other person to see if he or she is also ready to learn. If not, then wait. If he or she is open, then the two of you can each share what you've learned in your Inner Bonding process and explore what needs to happen for each of you to feel resolved. This is a wonderful, intimate process that can happen only when both people are open to learning.
If the other person does not open to learning, then you need to let go of trying to resolve the issue between you. You can then do an Inner Bonding process to understand what is in your highest good, given that the other person is not available to resolve the issue. In order to do this, you need to completely accept that you are helpless over getting the other person to open, which is a big challenge for many people.
Even though resolving the issue for yourself is not always ideal, it is far better than the ugliness that often occurs when two people escalate a conflict.
31 jul 2012
"I'm Consumed With My Ex." By Dr. Margaret Paul July 30, 2012
Discover why you might be obsessing about an ex and how to stop.
"How do I stop allowing my ex to consume my thoughts?" asks Tammy.
"Is your ex consuming your thoughts, or are you consumed with your ex?" I ask.
"What's the difference?" Tammy asks.
"The difference is that you are asking the question in such as way as to indicate that your ex is doing something, i.e. somehow consuming your thoughts. But is your ex really doing something, or are you choosing to be consumed with thoughts of your ex?"
"Oh…No, my ex isn't doing anything. I just can't stop thinking about him. How do I stop thinking about him?"
"What are you thinking about?"
"Things to say to him to get him back. Things I wish I had done differently."
"Is it likely that there is something you can say to get him back?"
"No. He's gone. I've said everything there is to say. He's with someone else and he doesn't even want to talk with me."
"So by thinking about what you can say to get him back, or what you could have done differently, you are not accepting your powerlessness over his decision, is that right?"
"I don't want to accept it."
"What are you avoiding feeling? Grief? Heartbreak? Loneliness?"
"Yes, all of that. I don't think I can handle the heartbreak and loneliness."
"Tammy, as long as you are unwilling to feel the painful feelings of the breakup, you will attempt to avoid them by obsessing about him. Obsessing is an addictive way of avoiding your feelings. You are asking me how to stop obsessing about him, but until you are willing to feel your authentic painful feelings, you will avoid them—and reality—with obsessing."
"But I don't think I can handle those feelings."
"Right now, if you are willing, I will teach you how to handle these feelings. Are you willing?"
"Yes, I'm willing to try."
"Okay. Breathe into your heart. What are you feeling in your heart?"
"My heart hurts. It feels broken."
"Tammy, find a place within you that feels very kindly toward your broken heart. Be very gentle, very compassionate with your broken heart. Can you be compassionate—kind, caring, gentle and understanding toward your heartbreak?"
"Yes, I can." Tammy starts to cry.
"Embrace your tears, your heartbreak, with deep compassion for yourself. Let the pain move through you with your tears."
Tammy sobs deeply for about 5 minutes.
"How are you feeling now?" I ask.
"Better. Calmer. I've cried a lot before but somehow this time I feel better."
"That's because the other times you cried as a victim, but this time you took responsibility for yourself by being compassionate toward your heartbreak. You named it, acknowledged it, and embraced it with compassion. This is what allowed it to move through you."
"Wow! I can't believe how much better I feel!"
"So, now you know how to lovingly manage your painful feelings. You don't need to avoid your pain by obsessing. Whenever you find yourself obsessing, you need to realize that you are avoiding feeling your heartbreak, loneliness and helplessness over your ex. If you move into compassion for these very difficult feelings, you can do what you just did—cry and allow them to move through you. Are you willing to do this rather than obsess?"
"Yes! That wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I can't believe I've spent so much time obsessing."
"Obsessing has been your way of trying to control your feelings and control your ex. Obviously, that doesn't work, as you made yourself very miserable with obsessing."
"I didn't realize I was trying to control. I didn't know what else to do."
"Right. Until we learn to manage our very painful feelings, we turn to various addictions to avoid them. I hope you remember to do this each time pain comes up."
"I will!"
http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3234/im-consumed-with-my-ex.html
"How do I stop allowing my ex to consume my thoughts?" asks Tammy.
"Is your ex consuming your thoughts, or are you consumed with your ex?" I ask.
"What's the difference?" Tammy asks.
"The difference is that you are asking the question in such as way as to indicate that your ex is doing something, i.e. somehow consuming your thoughts. But is your ex really doing something, or are you choosing to be consumed with thoughts of your ex?"
"Oh…No, my ex isn't doing anything. I just can't stop thinking about him. How do I stop thinking about him?"
"What are you thinking about?"
"Things to say to him to get him back. Things I wish I had done differently."
"Is it likely that there is something you can say to get him back?"
"No. He's gone. I've said everything there is to say. He's with someone else and he doesn't even want to talk with me."
"So by thinking about what you can say to get him back, or what you could have done differently, you are not accepting your powerlessness over his decision, is that right?"
"I don't want to accept it."
"What are you avoiding feeling? Grief? Heartbreak? Loneliness?"
"Yes, all of that. I don't think I can handle the heartbreak and loneliness."
"Tammy, as long as you are unwilling to feel the painful feelings of the breakup, you will attempt to avoid them by obsessing about him. Obsessing is an addictive way of avoiding your feelings. You are asking me how to stop obsessing about him, but until you are willing to feel your authentic painful feelings, you will avoid them—and reality—with obsessing."
"But I don't think I can handle those feelings."
"Right now, if you are willing, I will teach you how to handle these feelings. Are you willing?"
"Yes, I'm willing to try."
"Okay. Breathe into your heart. What are you feeling in your heart?"
"My heart hurts. It feels broken."
"Tammy, find a place within you that feels very kindly toward your broken heart. Be very gentle, very compassionate with your broken heart. Can you be compassionate—kind, caring, gentle and understanding toward your heartbreak?"
"Yes, I can." Tammy starts to cry.
"Embrace your tears, your heartbreak, with deep compassion for yourself. Let the pain move through you with your tears."
Tammy sobs deeply for about 5 minutes.
"How are you feeling now?" I ask.
"Better. Calmer. I've cried a lot before but somehow this time I feel better."
"That's because the other times you cried as a victim, but this time you took responsibility for yourself by being compassionate toward your heartbreak. You named it, acknowledged it, and embraced it with compassion. This is what allowed it to move through you."
"Wow! I can't believe how much better I feel!"
"So, now you know how to lovingly manage your painful feelings. You don't need to avoid your pain by obsessing. Whenever you find yourself obsessing, you need to realize that you are avoiding feeling your heartbreak, loneliness and helplessness over your ex. If you move into compassion for these very difficult feelings, you can do what you just did—cry and allow them to move through you. Are you willing to do this rather than obsess?"
"Yes! That wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I can't believe I've spent so much time obsessing."
"Obsessing has been your way of trying to control your feelings and control your ex. Obviously, that doesn't work, as you made yourself very miserable with obsessing."
"I didn't realize I was trying to control. I didn't know what else to do."
"Right. Until we learn to manage our very painful feelings, we turn to various addictions to avoid them. I hope you remember to do this each time pain comes up."
"I will!"
http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3234/im-consumed-with-my-ex.html
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