Helping Teen Girls Improve Their Body Image

Helping Teen Girls Improve Their Body Image: Q&A with Barb Steinberg
By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS

Building a positive body image and secure sense of self is a process that I think we undergo our entire lives. I feel like I’m just starting to explore and discover myself. To get to the meat and potatoes of my personality, my likes and dislikes, my passions and quirks.

It’s of course even tougher for teens, who are just forming their identities and figuring out the world. Who are in the midst of trying to make friends, worrying about being popular, getting used to a changing body, dealing with academic and other social pressures and attempting to make sense of an often contradictory and damaging media.

As a teen, you might feel very confused. As a parent, you might feel even more so.

So I hope today’s interview will shed some light on helping your teen girl build a healthy image, and if you’re a teen, I hope you walk away with some insight, too.

Without further ado, I’m pleased to present my interview with Barb Steinberg, a licensed clinical social worker who coaches teen girls and their parents on how to help girls build a healthy and confident self-image and body image.

Below, she talks about the unique concerns facing teens today and how they can improve their body image.

Q: Your mission is “To connect with girls and women in such a way that by being seen and heard they are more true to themselves.” I think feeling like you aren’t being seen or heard also shapes one’s body image – as does not knowing who you are. What are some practical strategies for readers to be true to themselves and to be seen and heard?

A: Because I work with teen girls, I naturally work with the adults in their lives as well on how to assist girls in developing a healthy self-image. Teen girls are in the process of creating their image of themselves. They look outside of themselves, more than within for the most part, to decide who they are, and how they view themselves and their bodies.

It is inherent in all of us to have the desire to be seen and heard. If we know this about ourselves, we can seek out people in our lives that will offer this kind of connection to us. When I say that we all have the desire to be seen and heard, I mean on a much deeper level than just how our body looks, the clothes we wear, the makeup we use, etc. Although those things are fun to look at and fun expressions of our personalities, they are not who we are.

On a deeper level, we all want to be really seen. We want to be witnessed. We want to know that we are important enough for someone to stop what they are doing, to focus their eyes on ours and that the words coming out of our mouths are interesting and profound enough to be listened to just because we spoke them, nothing more.

When we feel that we have been seen and heard, that our soul has been acknowledged, there is less of a need to create a false sense of self – through the use of our bodies – to get attention, to get validation, to be desired.

Q: You’ve worked with adolescents for over 20 years. Have the issues facing teens today changed throughout the years? If so, what do you think has caused the shift?

A: I think the needs of adolescents have remained the same – to put it simply, the need for connection. However the issues facing teens today, although similar to the issues of teens for generations, have intensified and the main culprit for that, in my opinion, is technology.

Technology certainly has many positives but the downside is the intensity with which our teen girls have access to information and images that may be beyond their level of comprehension and may be filling their heads with unrealistic expectations about who they should be.

Technology has also caused a shift in the type and level of connection among humans. So in many cases our teens and parents are lacking in intimate communication and connection because there is a TV or computer on or a cell phone in hand. This lack of connection most certainly impacts our teens in a negative way.

Q: How do you help teens improve their body image issues?

A: The first thing is to introduce them to the idea that they are not their bodies. They have a body, but they are not their bodies. They are much more than that.

I help them acknowledge and name all the different aspects of themselves that make up the very special and unique person they are. This is done repeatedly in one form or another because we are changing beliefs and beliefs are entrenched – beliefs are just thoughts that we have thought repeatedly. So we need to help teens think new thoughts enough times they that begin to believe them.

I use a variety of tools/processes in my workshops and coaching practice to help teen girls be kinder to themselves and their bodies.

We make goals of having “fat talk” free days. I challenge them to go one day without saying one negative thing about their bodies and then we set goals to increase the number of days. I encourage them to extend the challenge to their peer group so they get support and in turn we change the lives of many girls, rather than just one.
I encourage mirror-free days – to give them a break from the incessant looking in the mirror to see if they are good enough. The message to be sent with this is – you are good enough even with a crappy hair day, or smudged eye shadow or a hole in your shirt. Why continue to put yourself in front of the mirror if the result is feeling badly? Be kind to yourself – take a break from the mirror if it helps you to feel better.
Similarly, I encourage being scale free – removing the scale, the daily weighing of oneself. If you start your day by weighing yourself and you instantly feel badly because of the number you see, why are you torturing yourself? How your clothes fit give you all the information that you need. There is no need to continue to do things (i.e., scale usage) if it makes you feel worse about yourself. That is being repeatedly unkind to yourself and your body.
When girls say something negative about themselves, I ask them if they would make that comment to their best girl friend. Of course, they say “no.” I encourage girls to speak to themselves like they would speak to someone they liked – to learn to be a friend to themselves. This is a skill to be practiced for a lifetime.
I have girls make a list of all the things they are grateful for about their bodies – my legs can walk, my hands can write or carry things, my mouth can taste, my eyes can see, etc. Giving them a different viewpoint about what is right about their bodies, rather than what is wrong.
I encourage girls to have a get together and have them sit in a circle. They will go around with each girl sharing one thing she likes about her body. They will keep going until they run out of things to say. They will be surprised at how long they can do this and how great they feel when they are done. Variations: They can also keep going around and say things they like about themselves on the inside. They can have one girl in the “hot seat” and each girl in the circle will say one thing they like about her on the outside and on the inside. This is to lessen the feelings of competition among girls and give them practice in both giving sincere compliments and receiving them.

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Q: What are parents’ top concerns about parenting teens when it comes to self-esteem and body image issues?

A: Studies have shown, girls’ self-esteem begins to drop at the edge of adolescence and continues to drop through college. It can be tough for parents. They want the best for their daughters. They want them to be successful and happy.

In our society, thinness and beauty are one in the same and they are equated with success and happiness. So many parents find themselves wanting their girls to feel good about themselves but also wanting them to fit into the norm of the American thin body type.

Even though we know there are many sizes and shapes within what is considered healthy, parents may find themselves falling into the trap of having unrealistic expectations for their daughters with regard to their bodies.

Q: What kind of advice can you offer for parents about helping their teens through the above issues?

A: As parents, we have to check ourselves first. Ask self-reflective questions, such as: why is this such a hot topic to me? Why am I responding emotionally to this? Is my response more about me than about my daughter? Is there anything in my past around this topic that I need to look at?

We need to address how we define beauty in our family. Do I only point out the thin, traditionally beautiful women and compliment them? How do I speak about my own body in front of my kids? As a role model for my kids, how do I demonstrate health and self-love in my own life?

We want our girls to feel comfortable in their own skin. This can be a process. It may take time. We need to ask our girls how they feel about their bodies. They may feel better than we think they do.

Our goal is to help our girls find ways to increase their comfort and positive body experiences – to help them to take the focus off of the external and bring it back to who they really are and what they have to offer the world. We need to remind them (and show them) that life doesn’t have to be hard. We are here to have fun!

Q: You lead a workshop on empowering girls. What are some ways that moms can empower their daughters?

A: Empowerment is about believing in ourselves, feeling that we have something unique to contribute, knowing that we can make our own decisions, understanding that no one has the right to make us doubt ourselves and trusting our instincts.

What Empowers Our Girls?

Being active in group activities (physical and otherwise) – offers experiences of success/mastery, sense of community, exposure to other peer groups and different ideas
Being charitable/helping others – a sense of purpose/contribution
Having creative outlets – What is her passion? What does she love? What lights her up, makes her feel alive?
Allowing for failure – through failing we develop powerful strengths, be willing to “mess up” in front of her – demonstrate resilience
Resisting gender-role stereotyping
Exploring the question, “Who Am I?”
Identifying and having her own needs met
Being in supportive relationships
Having her achievements and her character acknowledged

I love the quote from Naomi Wolfe for mothers – “A mother who radiates self-love and self-acceptance vaccinates her daughter from low self-esteem.”

Q: You also teach girls and women about bringing more happiness into their everyday lives. How can we do that?

A: This is one of my favorite topics! Who doesn’t want more happiness in their lives?! There are so many ways to create more happiness. I’ll name a few. We think it is the big things that bring happiness – a wedding, a birth, a vacation to Spain, a new car, a new house or if you are a teen girl – getting an “A” on your math test, making captain of the soccer team, being asked to the prom, etc.

And those big things do make us happy, but how often do those happen? There is happiness in the little things. Become a “seeker of moments” – those times when you stop in your tracks and notice that you feel good – petting your soft, furry cat; the taste of your bubble gum lip gloss; a great song on the radio; sharing a smile with the Starbucks barista; noticing the beautiful sunset…it’s the little things accumulated that make for a happy day and a happy life. We just have to slow down and take notice. We have to look for the things that we like, the things that bring us happiness. They are already there.

When we take notice in the moment or reflect at the end of our day with a gratitude journal by making a list of all the good things that we experienced, we need to say “thank you.” It is when we feel gratitude that our happiness expands and if you really begin to take stock, you will notice that with the more gratitude that you feel, the more happy moments you experience. It’s just the way it works. I promise. Try it!

Set an intention for your day. What do you want your day to be like? What do you want to feel or experience? Do you want to be more patient? Do you want to be more productive? Do you want to slow down? Do you want to laugh more? Do you want to have fun? Setting your intention when you wake up guides your day. You get to choose how you want to feel every single minute. Why not choose to feel good?

Q: Anything else you’d like to add about your work, body image, self-confidence or a related topic?

A: Thank you for the opportunity to “talk” with your audience. These topics are close to my heart, so I appreciate that you have created a forum for us to share and grow. I hope that I will get a chance to interact directly with your readers through my workshops and teleclasses. They can find out about upcoming events by joining my mailing list on my website www.barbsteinberg.com.

Here’s to liking ourselves! :)

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I also wanted to mention that Barb coaches women, too. I had asked her if the ways women can improve their body image is similar or different to that of teen girls. I think you’ll find her answer interesting:

The funny thing is that even though it may have been 10, 20, or 30 years since middle school or high school, many women continue the same negative self talk they did back then. They haven’t learned a new way to speak about their bodies, to appreciate their bodies or treat their bodies. The beliefs about themselves are deep-rooted. So, when working with women as opposed to teen girls, the insights, tools and strategies are really the same. They work no matter how old you are.

Again, I’m really grateful to Barb for taking the time to answer these questions and provide such important information. Thank you!

If you’re a parent, do you have any questions about helping your daughter build a healthy body image and self-esteem? If you’re a teen, what concerns do you have? What do you wish your parents knew?



http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2010/10/helping-teen-girls-improve-their-body-image-qa-with-barb-steinberg/