Whether loneliness is enriching or destructive in our lives depends on our willingness to look it squarely in the eye. Sometimes this is difficult because loneliness is too often an emotion we mask from ourselves. There are an amazing number of escape routes which we take to avoid or deny feeling lonely: workaholism, drug addiction, a whirlwind of social activities, hasty marriages, dehumanizing sexual encounters, blasting radios or televisions, living in the past, restlessness, and so on. This is understandable; loneliness can be very painful. But when it is hidden, it becomes our master and we are but robots trading our aliveness for imagined safety. When it is out in the open, we become its master and use it as a stepping stone toward greater fulfillment.
Where does all this loneliness come from? Most experts would agree that loneliness is felt in infancy, as we begin to experience our own separateness. Experts do not agree, however, as to why it persists. Their observations revolve around three categories: 1) PHYSICAL SEPARATION; 2) EMOTIONAL SEPARATION; and 3) SPIRITUAL SEPARATION.
1. Physical separation. There is very little sense of permanence or continuity in today's world. By definition, technological society is an age that creates separation and isolation. It allows an enormous amount of physical mobility, and as a result, family members and friends are often scattered all over the country, even the world. The divorce rate is higher than it's ever been, leaving family members torn apart from the security of the family unit. Society also allows tremendous job mobility, so that we are constantly facing new challenges and new co-workers. Many even work at home---alone--with the "company" of their phone, fax machine and computer.
As a result, life requires many goodbyes to that which is familiar as we make our move from place to place, job to job, situation to situation, house to house, and person to person. Hence, some of our loneliness logically comes from our feeling of having no roots, no community. In fact, it is a tribute to our adaptability that we human beings cope as well as we do!
A second type of physical separation results from the fact that so many people are "shy" about inviting others into their lives. As a result, they find themselves without companionship. Many people complain that they never meet people or get invited out anywhere, and there they sit, wondering why they are so alone. They are alone because they're not making an effort to reach out to other people; instead they are hoping and praying that someone will reach out to them. And that's not the way the world usually works.
When we depend on the world to invite us in, we create a situation where we are always on the outside looking in, yearning to be a part of the warmth that lies in someone else's heart.
A third type of physical separation is created by our alienation from nature. City living, in particular, makes us lose touch with the connectedness of all life. Thus we are oblivious to the destructive consequences of our actions upon the very thing that gives us life. Our abuse of our planet reflects our loss of Self. People are becoming much more concerned about the environment. Along with this concern comes an observable shift from separateness to togetherness. In the pulling together for a common good, we begin to taste the deliciousness of what "oneness" on the planet could feel like. As we come to feel a sense of global community, some of our feelings of alienation will be replaced by feelings of belonging.
2. Emotional separation. Counselor Ira Tanner suggests it is not physical but emotional separation from people that creates loneliness. It was a great revelation to him in his marriage and family practice to find that the most intense loneliness is found within a home in which there is no communication. While we may have the physical closeness of a family, silent dinners and walled-off hearts between family members can create an agonizing sense of loneliness.
Loneliness is often the result of a closed heart. Our fear of being hurt, rejected or judged keeps us frozen in our loneliness. We are not able to open our hearts enough to allow in the warmth of others which would melt the pain we feel inside. We blame someone out there for our isolation, not realizing that our internal walls are responsible for our pain, not the actions of others. In that place of pain and blame, we become psychologically numb to the feelings of others. We can't feel THEIR pain. We can't feel THEIR fear. We can't feel THEIR loneliness. That is, we can feel no empathy--which is a great glue for connection! When we feel empathy, the walls come tumbling down and what was once "me versus you" becomes "us together". When we let go of the fear and pain, and open ourselves to others, much of the loneliness disappears.
Another reason for our loneliness is the loss of our authentic self as we struggle to conform to society's standards. No wonder we are lonely; when we look inside, it feels like there's nobody home. No wonder we glom onto someone "out there" to move in with, literally and figuratively. This is only our desperate attempt to find a place where there really is someone home.
3. Spiritual separation. Spiritual separation has to do with our loss of connection with our Higher Self. Whether we believe in God or not, it is critical that we develop a strong inner spiritual connection, a deep, abiding sense of our own inner power and integrity. When we are not on that path toward inner connection, we experience a heart aching to be healed. Our heart is healed only through loving, caring, opening, sharing, helping, giving, feeling, embracing, and warming the world with our love.
As you can see, the reasons for our loneliness are varied and so are the many things we can do to begin filling the emptiness we feel inside. Let me remind you that this is a step-by-step process. It doesn't happen in one giant leap. Have patience and let a sense of inner peace and fulfillment unfold... all in its own time.
Copyright © 2012 Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
