The Depressed Pattern and The Food Controller Pattern

The Depressed Pattern Jay Earley, Ph.D.

When your Depressed Pattern is triggered, you may feel hopeless and low energy. Your natural buoyancy, spark, and energy is literally depressed. You may feel lethargic and believe that there is no point in doing anything because your life seems hopeless. It may be difficult to get up the energy to do much of anything other than go through the motions of your life. You may have little appetite and have difficulty sleeping. You may isolate yourself from most people because you don't see any point in trying to relate to them. Of course, this often contributes to the sense of bleakness in your life. Your inner landscape may feel empty and gray with no life. You may feel sadness and grief, or you may just feel dead inside. You might also feel anxious and agitated. You may also feel bad about yourself. You may feel that your life is hopeless because there is something intrinsically wrong with you. You are worthless or inadequate and that's why your life can't work. You believe that you are deeply flawed. You carry much pain about this, though the pain may be buried behind the bleakness.

The Food Controller Pattern Bonnie Weiss, LCSW

The Food Controller tries to regulate your eating when it thinks it isn't good for you or might be dangerous. It believes that without its efforts, you will be out of control and ruin your life. This can result in being obsessed with food, worrying about your weight and your figure, feeling bad about your eating habits, going on diets, making resolutions, or feeling shame about lapses in meeting your eating goals. The Food Controller may be rigid and punitive. It may have fixed and precise standards for how you should eat. The biggest problem may be that the Food Controller Inner Critic tries to enforce these standards by attacking and shaming you when you fail to measure up to them. Even if the Food Controller wants what's best for you, it often goes about this in a harsh, punitive way. It may have learned this strategy from the way your parents tried to control you as a child. Your Food Controller may be activated even if your eating isn't out of line. You may feel as though you are fighting a chronic battle with someone who doesn't see you. This kind of Food Controller has an unrealistic view of who you are or the danger of your impulses. It may attack you for really enjoying your food or for occasionally eating too much. Or even if you are somewhat impulsive with food, your Food Controller may react in a way that is much more harsh, punitive, and rigid than is needed. Your culture may have an unreasonable ideal of thinness, and this can result in feeling that you have to rigidly control your normal impulses. In this case, your Food Controller may work against what is natural and healthy for you. On the other hand, your Food Controller might be reacting to an out-of-control Indulger Pattern that is having a damaging effect on your life. There may be a real need to moderate your eating, for the sake of your health or your appearance, but with the Food Controller Pattern, this is done in a harsh, shaming way rather than a constructive way. It may make you feel really bad about yourself whenever you binge. Paradoxically, this often stimulates a need for self-soothing, which is often done by more eating. So often the judgmental strategy that the Food Controller uses actually backfires and makes things worse.

The Self-Effacing Pattern

The Self-Effacing Pattern

Jay Earley, Ph.D.

If you have the Self-Effacing Pattern, you are concerned about your impact in the world. You may feel shy and awkward in social situations, and find yourself speaking little or limiting what you say to small talk. You might also seek to avoid social situations in general, withdrawing from other people and not reaching out for connections.

You may not speak up about your own ideas, stories, or achievements, especially in group settings. In conversations, you may try to keep the focus on others, and when the spotlight lands on you, you may answer questions about yourself with sparse replies or respond awkwardly. Perhaps you are self-deprecating, making not-so-funny jokes at your own expense. You may find it very hard to receive compliments or attention gracefully, instead deflecting them and redirecting attention on others.

You may be quiet, aloof and not participate, or even avoid connecting with people. You may act as if you don't deserve to be heard or appreciated. At times, you may feel incompetent or inadequate.

Some people are also quieter by nature, but happy to be so. The Self-Effacing Pattern is more likely to apply to you if you are quiet, but unhappily so. You wish you could speak up and be recognized. You would like more connection with people and to feel like more people knew and liked the "real you."

While you can't always be sure of how others will receive you, you CAN address the beliefs inside yourself that say you are "less than" or unworthy of attention. By working to heal this Self-Effacing Pattern, you can feel confident to take risks in social settings and put yourself out without fear of being judged or ridiculed.

The Pattern System in Psychotherapy by Jay Earley, Ph.D.

The Pattern System is a comprehensive, detailed system for understanding personality in a way that can lead directly to psychological healing and personal growth.  This article discusses how it can be useful to psychotherapists.

The Pattern System allows a psychotherapist to map the psyche of a therapy client in detail. It provides a way for you to clarify the unique character structure of your clients, leading to an understanding of each client's specific needs, strengths, and difficulties.

This organizational map makes it easier for you to apply your existing therapeutic knowledge in a way that is tailored to each person. It is especially useful when your treatment of a particular client is stalled or you are confused about how to proceed. By mapping his or her patterns and healthy capacities, you are guided to a clearer understanding of where the growth process is stuck and what to do about it.

The Pattern System provides handy information about the kinds of underlying dynamics that are likely to be operating for each type of pattern a client may have. It also will help you to understand possible transference and countertransference issues that may arise with each client depending on their patterns and yours.

For example, clients who have a Prideful Pattern have a need to be seen as special and better than others. Some of them can become easily hurt by what they perceive as criticism from others, including you. They need to be gently led into an exploration of their underlying feelings, which often come from the Basic Deficiency Wound.

On the other hand, clients with a People Pleasing Pattern need to become aware of their tendency to try to please others, including their therapists. They grow by learning to assert themselves, set limits, and take initiative.

The Underlying Dynamics of Each Pattern

Once you assess that a client has a certain pattern, the Pattern System provides readily-referenced information about the possible underlying defensive motivations for this pattern and their possible origins in childhood (or occasionally, in adulthood). For any given pattern, there are a variety of options. The Pattern System doesn't attempt to tell you exactly what your client's dynamics are because every client is unique and each story is different, so the Pattern System just indicates possibilities. It shows you the most common motivations and origins to help you gain insight into what might be going on.

Learning about a Client's Patterns

Of the patterns that can be affecting a client's life, some are more obvious than others. A client will bring up certain patterns that he or she knows are causing problems. For example, a client might say that it is hard for her to leave a relationship even though she can see that it isn't good for her because she feels dependent on her partner. This is the Dependent Pattern, and understanding it can give you insight into what might be going on underneath.

Some patterns are fairly easy for you to spot even if the client doesn't see them. For example, if you recognize that a client finds it hard to assert herself with her husband and is constantly trying to please him, this is clearly the People-Pleasing Pattern.

With patterns that are more subtle, the Pattern System can be particularly helpful in recognizing something that you might otherwise have missed. For example, a client might have a Passive-Aggressive Pattern, where he or she appears to be a pleaser but actually causes people frustration and pain through unconscious and indirect aggression. Another subtle pattern is the Change-Avoiding Pattern, where clients do good work on themselves except that they block or resist actually healing their underlying wounds or making changes in their behavior, often in hidden ways.

You can encourage a client to use the Pattern System to learn about a certain pattern in order to enhance their understanding of their issues and help them to know what needs to change. In addition, if a client is having difficulty with a spouse, child, relative, or other person in their life, the Pattern System could help them to gain a better understanding of the other person, and the dynamics of their relationship.

In some cases, a client may have a pattern that operates in all areas of life. However, many patterns only become activated under certain circumstances. For example, a man might have the Assertiveness Capacity with his wife but have the People-Pleasing Pattern at work with his boss. Or vice versa. Thus in mapping a client's psyche, it is useful to assess not just which patterns or capacities he or she has, but under what circumstances they are activated.

The Pattern System delineates patterns that manifest primarily in therapy sessions as well as those that show in behavior in the person's life. For example, a client may have a pattern of shutting down emotionally (Closed Pattern) or becoming distracted (Distracted Pattern) whenever you approach painful material. Another client may become self-judgmental (Inner Critic Pattern) whenever vulnerability begins to arise.

This is an excerpt from the forthcoming book The Pattern System which will be out in October. For more information about the Pattern System, see www.patternsystem.com.

 Jay Earley, Ph.D.

The Rebel Pattern by Jay Earley, Ph.D.

This is one of the interesting patterns in the Power Dimension of the Pattern System.

If you have the Rebel Pattern, you tend to rebel against people in authority by resisting or fighting against what they want from you, whether it is actually bad for you or not. You tend to oppose people by being rigid and confrontational, and this often leads to arguments or power struggles. You feel like people are trying to control or dominate you even when they aren't. You then get angry and defiant just for the sake of being right.

Of course, it is healthy to oppose an edict that really isn't good for you or one that is imposed in a domineering way. But you tend to think that most people are doing this, or at least most authority figures. You haven't learned how to distinguish the times when you really need to defend yourself from being dominated vs. those times when this is unnecessary.

You may also react with defiance when you feel like you are being intruded upon or smothered. However, you tend to see almost everyone as intentionally doing this to you. You don't just set limits when they are really necessary; you set them most of the time. And you tend to do it in an angry, self-righteous way.

You may play devil's advocate automatically argue the opposite side of any point of view that is put forward. It is difficult for you to simply agree with someone, even when you truly do, inside. You may actually enjoy engaging in arguments or fighting against what you consider to be injustice. Of course, there is plenty of injustice in the world. But do you like to get righteously angry about harmful actions without making any proactive attempts to create harmony and fairness? If this is true, you may have a Defiant Pattern.

When someone is overly controlling, can you respond to them in a way that will be most effective in getting them to change? Or do you tend to get hostile, or dogmatically dig in your heels? Even if you are justified in fighting back, do you do this in the most effective way to get what you really want? Or do you engage in a power struggle just for the sake of it?

You may also rebel against a part of you that tells you what to do. This defiance takes the form of refusing to do something that you have decided is important to do. This is also an attempt to preserve your autonomy, but now it is directed inward at a part that you perceive as being overly demanding and controlling.

Or you may rebel against a part of you that is trying to control your impulsive behavior (such as over-eating or drinking too much). The rebellion may take the form of binge eating or drinking, just to prove that you won't be controlled by this part. This kind of inner rebellion often happens whether or not the other part of you is really being too controlling.

HEALING THE LONELY HEART by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.

Loneliness is a feeling that can lead us toward greater exploration of who we truly are and what we have to give to this world, and thus toward authentic connection. Or it can lead to self-destructive actions in our desperate attempt to fill the emptiness inside.
Whether loneliness is enriching or destructive in our lives depends on our willingness to look it squarely in the eye. Sometimes this is difficult because loneliness is too often an emotion we mask from ourselves. There are an amazing number of escape routes which we take to avoid or deny feeling lonely: workaholism, drug addiction, a whirlwind of social activities, hasty marriages, dehumanizing sexual encounters, blasting radios or televisions, living in the past, restlessness, and so on. This is understandable; loneliness can be very painful. But when it is hidden, it becomes our master and we are but robots trading our aliveness for imagined safety. When it is out in the open, we become its master and use it as a stepping stone toward greater fulfillment.
Where does all this loneliness come from? Most experts would agree that loneliness is felt in infancy, as we begin to experience our own separateness. Experts do not agree, however, as to why it persists. Their observations revolve around three categories: 1) PHYSICAL SEPARATION; 2) EMOTIONAL SEPARATION; and 3) SPIRITUAL SEPARATION.
  1. Physical separation. There is very little sense of permanence or continuity in today's world. By definition, technological society is an age that creates separation and isolation. It allows an enormous amount of physical mobility, and as a result, family members and friends are often scattered all over the country, even the world. The divorce rate is higher than it's ever been, leaving family members torn apart from the security of the family unit. Society also allows tremendous job mobility, so that we are constantly facing new challenges and new co-workers. Many even work at home---alone--with the "company" of their phone, fax machine and computer.
As a result, life requires many goodbyes to that which is familiar as we make our move from place to place, job to job, situation to situation, house to house, and person to person. Hence, some of our loneliness logically comes from our feeling of having no roots, no community. In fact, it is a tribute to our adaptability that we human beings cope as well as we do!
A second type of physical separation results from the fact that so many people are "shy" about inviting others into their lives. As a result, they find themselves without companionship. Many people complain that they never meet people or get invited out anywhere, and there they sit, wondering why they are so alone. They are alone because they're not making an effort to reach out to other people; instead they are hoping and praying that someone will reach out to them. And that's not the way the world usually works.
When we depend on the world to invite us in, we create a situation where we are always on the outside looking in, yearning to be a part of the warmth that lies in someone else's heart.
A third type of physical separation is created by our alienation from nature. City living, in particular, makes us lose touch with the connectedness of all life. Thus we are oblivious to the destructive consequences of our actions upon the very thing that gives us life. Our abuse of our planet reflects our loss of Self. People are becoming much more concerned about the environment. Along with this concern comes an observable shift from separateness to togetherness. In the pulling together for a common good, we begin to taste the deliciousness of what "oneness" on the planet could feel like. As we come to feel a sense of global community, some of our feelings of alienation will be replaced by feelings of belonging.
  2. Emotional separation. Counselor Ira Tanner suggests it is not physical but emotional separation from people that creates loneliness. It was a great revelation to him in his marriage and family practice to find that the most intense loneliness is found within a home in which there is no communication. While we may have the physical closeness of a family, silent dinners and walled-off hearts between family members can create an agonizing sense of loneliness.
Loneliness is often the result of a closed heart. Our fear of being hurt, rejected or judged keeps us frozen in our loneliness. We are not able to open our hearts enough to allow in the warmth of others which would melt the pain we feel inside. We blame someone out there for our isolation, not realizing that our internal walls are responsible for our pain, not the actions of others. In that place of pain and blame, we become psychologically numb to the feelings of others. We can't feel THEIR pain. We can't feel THEIR fear. We can't feel THEIR loneliness. That is, we can feel no empathy--which is a great glue for connection! When we feel empathy, the walls come tumbling down and what was once "me versus you" becomes "us together". When we let go of the fear and pain, and open ourselves to others, much of the loneliness disappears.
Another reason for our loneliness is the loss of our authentic self as we struggle to conform to society's standards. No wonder we are lonely; when we look inside, it feels like there's nobody home. No wonder we glom onto someone "out there" to move in with, literally and figuratively. This is only our desperate attempt to find a place where there really is someone home.
  3. Spiritual separation. Spiritual separation has to do with our loss of connection with our Higher Self. Whether we believe in God or not, it is critical that we develop a strong inner spiritual connection, a deep, abiding sense of our own inner power and integrity. When we are not on that path toward inner connection, we experience a heart aching to be healed. Our heart is healed only through loving, caring, opening, sharing, helping, giving, feeling, embracing, and warming the world with our love.
As you can see, the reasons for our loneliness are varied and so are the many things we can do to begin filling the emptiness we feel inside. Let me remind you that this is a step-by-step process. It doesn't happen in one giant leap. Have patience and let a sense of inner peace and fulfillment unfold... all in its own time.

Copyright © 2012 Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

Do You See The Obstacle Or The Goal?

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
April 09, 2012


Where does your mind generally go - to the obstacles or to the goal? You CAN change your mindset if it is stopping you from having what you want.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal. ~Henry Ford

What happens for you when you get a great idea about something you want to do—a new business, a creative project, a vacation and so on? If it really is a great idea for you, you likely feel a sense of excitement about it. I’ve learned that my feelings of excitement let me know that this idea is a good one for me—that it is on the right track regarding what is in my highest good.

What often happens next?

One of two experiences might occur:

• Thoughts and images pop into your mind of all the obstacles—of how hard it will be to accomplish what you want to do.

• Thoughts and images pop into your mind of how to achieve what you want—regardless of any challenges that might come up.

Which one most often happens for you?

Focus on Obstacles

Does the part of you — your wounded self, who is afraid of mistakes and failure - take over? What does this sound like?

• I don’t have what it takes to make this happen.
• I don’t want to make a fool of myself.
• I don’t have the money to make this happen.
• It’s too much work. I feel tired already.
• It’s too hard.
• I will never find the time for this.
• It will never work—it’s a bad idea.
• What if I fail—then what?
• Who am I to think I could do this?
• Other_____________________________.

How do you feel when you tell yourself these things? What happens to the excitement? Do you end up feeling down and discouraged? I’ve learned that feeling down and discouraged is my inner guidance letting me know that my thinking is off course. I’ve learned not to pay attention to negative thoughts—to say to my fearful wounded self, “I’m not listening to you. You don’t know what you are talking about.”

Focus on the Goal

As I said, when I’m excited about an idea, I know that this is my inner guidance letting me know it is a good direction for me. I trust my excitement, and I also trust that my inner guidance lets me know I’ve gotten away from what is in my highest good, when I focus on obstacles and feel down or discouraged.

Focusing on the goal, and the excitement about the goal, is what opens me to the ideas of how to get there. In my experience, it is this excitement and openness that help me find the way to do it. Some call this “The Law of Attraction”—that like energy attracts like energy. I have found it to be invariably true that focusing on my excitement about an idea brings me what I need to carry my idea into fruition.

My inner thought process, instead of focusing on possible obstacles, goes something like this:

“I REALLY want to do this! What do I need to do to make this happen? How can I learn what I need to learn to achieve my goal? Who can be of help to me?”

Once I see a direction, then I often pray for the people and situations to come into my life to support me in my goal. I have complete trust that this will happen—and it always has. However, it’s rarely instant. I have to stay focused on the goal rather than on the obstacles, and maintain my level of excitement about the idea, no matter how long it takes.

Henry Ford faced many obstacles before he invented the Ford. He went bankrupt before he was finally successful. We all know what would have happened if he had allowed the obstacles to stop him.

Daily Inspiration

Grace is a gift of Spirit that comes when we stay open to learning about loving ourselves and others. Grace is the feeling of extraordinary well-being that enters the heart when the heart is truly open. Grace is what we experience when love rather than fear is motivating our thoughts and behavior. By Dr. Margaret Paul

http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3105/do-you-see-the-obstacle-or-the-goal.html