The Rebel Pattern by Jay Earley, PhD

The Rebel Pattern

Jay Earley, PhD

The Rebel Pattern is one of the patterns in the Power Dimension of the Pattern System.

If you have the Rebel Pattern, you tend to rebel against people in authority by resisting or fighting against what they want from you, whether it is actually bad for you or not. You may oppose people by being rigid and confrontational, and this may lead to arguments or power struggles. You may feel like people are trying to control or dominate you even when they aren't. You might then get angry and defiant just for the sake of being right.

Of course, it is healthy to oppose an edict that really isn't good for you or one that is imposed in a domineering way. But if you tend to think that most people are doing this, or at least most authority figures, you may have the Rebel Pattern. You might not have learned how to distinguish the times when you really need to defend yourself from being dominated vs. those times when this is unnecessary.

It is also good to innovate and be creative, finding your own way in life, so it makes sense to advocate for your ability to do this. Just notice whether your struggles for autonomy are really necessary or come from a Rebel Pattern.

You may also react with defiance when you feel like you are being intruded upon or smothered. However, if you have the Rebel Pattern, you may see almost everyone as intruding on you. You may not just set limits when they are really necessary, but most of the time in an angry, self-righteous way.

You may play devil's advocate by automatically arguing the opposite side of any point of view that is put forward. It may be difficult for you to simply agree with someone, even when you truly do, inside. You may actually enjoy engaging in arguments or fighting against what you consider to be injustice. Of course, there is plenty of injustice in the world. But do you like to get righteously angry about harmful actions without making any proactive attempts to create harmony and fairness? If this is true, you may have a Rebel Pattern.

When someone is overly controlling, can you respond to them in a way that will be most effective in getting them to change? Or do you tend to get hostile, or dogmatically dig in your heels? Even if you are justified in fighting back, do you do this in the most effective way to get what you really want? Or do you engage in a power struggle just for the sake of it?

The Depressed Pattern and The Food Controller Pattern

The Depressed Pattern Jay Earley, Ph.D.

When your Depressed Pattern is triggered, you may feel hopeless and low energy. Your natural buoyancy, spark, and energy is literally depressed. You may feel lethargic and believe that there is no point in doing anything because your life seems hopeless. It may be difficult to get up the energy to do much of anything other than go through the motions of your life. You may have little appetite and have difficulty sleeping. You may isolate yourself from most people because you don't see any point in trying to relate to them. Of course, this often contributes to the sense of bleakness in your life. Your inner landscape may feel empty and gray with no life. You may feel sadness and grief, or you may just feel dead inside. You might also feel anxious and agitated. You may also feel bad about yourself. You may feel that your life is hopeless because there is something intrinsically wrong with you. You are worthless or inadequate and that's why your life can't work. You believe that you are deeply flawed. You carry much pain about this, though the pain may be buried behind the bleakness.

The Food Controller Pattern Bonnie Weiss, LCSW

The Food Controller tries to regulate your eating when it thinks it isn't good for you or might be dangerous. It believes that without its efforts, you will be out of control and ruin your life. This can result in being obsessed with food, worrying about your weight and your figure, feeling bad about your eating habits, going on diets, making resolutions, or feeling shame about lapses in meeting your eating goals. The Food Controller may be rigid and punitive. It may have fixed and precise standards for how you should eat. The biggest problem may be that the Food Controller Inner Critic tries to enforce these standards by attacking and shaming you when you fail to measure up to them. Even if the Food Controller wants what's best for you, it often goes about this in a harsh, punitive way. It may have learned this strategy from the way your parents tried to control you as a child. Your Food Controller may be activated even if your eating isn't out of line. You may feel as though you are fighting a chronic battle with someone who doesn't see you. This kind of Food Controller has an unrealistic view of who you are or the danger of your impulses. It may attack you for really enjoying your food or for occasionally eating too much. Or even if you are somewhat impulsive with food, your Food Controller may react in a way that is much more harsh, punitive, and rigid than is needed. Your culture may have an unreasonable ideal of thinness, and this can result in feeling that you have to rigidly control your normal impulses. In this case, your Food Controller may work against what is natural and healthy for you. On the other hand, your Food Controller might be reacting to an out-of-control Indulger Pattern that is having a damaging effect on your life. There may be a real need to moderate your eating, for the sake of your health or your appearance, but with the Food Controller Pattern, this is done in a harsh, shaming way rather than a constructive way. It may make you feel really bad about yourself whenever you binge. Paradoxically, this often stimulates a need for self-soothing, which is often done by more eating. So often the judgmental strategy that the Food Controller uses actually backfires and makes things worse.

The Angry Pattern by Jay Earley

The Angry Pattern Jay Earley, Ph.D.

Anger presents an interesting dilemma in relating to people. On the one hand, when you act out your anger, it is frequently destructive. On the other hand, if you suppress your anger, it undermines your strength. The Angry Pattern means either feeling excessively angry or acting out your anger in a destructive fashion. If you have the Angry Pattern, you may get triggered into anger easily, and you may get intensely angry too often. Anger has a certain healthy role to play in our interactions with people. It tends to come up when we need to be strong enough to protect ourselves or those we care about, to set limits on someone who is being harmful to us, or to move through blocks that someone puts in the way of something we want to accomplish. However, if you have the Angry Pattern, you express your anger in ways that go overboard and create problems with people you are relating to. Instead of just setting clear limits, you tend to hurt others and they often respond with anger of their own. This can quickly escalate in a fight that no one is happy with. Anger can create enemies that will make your life miserable. In its worst form, it leads to violence and destruction. What's needed is to maintain the strength that often comes from anger without the unnecessary destructiveness. This helps you to be firm in setting limits, powerful in protecting yourself, and forceful in moving through obstacles. Ideally this would be done from a Centered place, so that you could have all the benefits of strength without the problems that come from anger. Most people get angry from time to time. But some people get angry more frequently and act it out in harmful and destructive ways. If you are one of these people, you may have and want to work on your Angry Pattern. When we get angry, we tend to blame the other person for whatever they did to trigger our anger. However, don't kid yourself in this way. The other person is responsible for whatever harmful action they took that triggered you. However, you are responsible for your reaction to it. If you channel your anger into strength from a centered place, you are acting in a healthy fashion and you are most likely to get what you want. However, if you let your anger get out of hand, it will cause problems, which you are responsible for. If this happens to you very much, then you have an Angry Pattern.

The Victim Pattern by Jay Earley, Ph.D.

If you have the Victim Pattern, you tend to see yourself as being wronged by people or in an impossible situation. You may believe that your problems exist because harmful things were done to you. You may feel like the victim of your circumstances, and you may feel that there is nothing you can do about it. With this Pattern, you may find yourself continually thinking about how others have wronged or hurt you. You may make excuses to yourself about why you cannot get your life together, feeling cheated and helpless to do anything about it. You may feel angry or depressed about your circumstances and helpless to change your life for the better. In the back of your mind, you may even feel entitled to special time and attention from others, especially those who have wronged you. You may indeed have been victimized in your childhood and perhaps even as an adult. The Victim Pattern doesn't refer to these situations where you were truly a victim and had no option. It refers to the situation where a part of you is attached to feeling like a victim even when you are in a situation where you could now take steps to improve your situation. You may now have the power to stand up for yourself or to get away from someone who is harming you. However, if you have a Victim Pattern, you tend to focus on feeling sorry for yourself rather than looking for ways to get what you want in life. This Pattern can keep you from moving toward goals for personal development or professional success. The Victim Pattern may interfere with your ability to take charge of your life. You may focus on how other people are to blame for what has happened to you rather than focusing on what you can do to change your difficult circumstances. This is not to say that a Pollyanna attitude is helpful or that you should completely ignoring past hurts. But it is important to focus on moving forward and on what you can do, rather than perpetuating your sense of yourself as a victim of circumstances. On a deeper level, you may unconsciously hope to get some benefit out of playing the victim, wanting someone to realize how they have wronged you and rescue you. On the other hand, it isn't realistic to believe that you can control every single thing that happens in your life. As with all patterns in The Pattern System, the healthy position is one of balance. It is good to recognize when things harmed you that were out of your control. However, it is important to realize when you can take charge of your life and try to make it work. There are three variations on the Victim Pattern: If you have the Angry Victim Pattern, you feel resentment toward people you believe have wronged you. If you have the Helpless Victim Pattern, you just feel powerless over your life and attribute your problems it to external circumstances or other people. If you have the Martyr Pattern, you believe that you have helped someone who not only didn't appreciate what you did for them but wronged you instead.

The Self-Effacing Pattern

The Self-Effacing Pattern

Jay Earley, Ph.D.

If you have the Self-Effacing Pattern, you are concerned about your impact in the world. You may feel shy and awkward in social situations, and find yourself speaking little or limiting what you say to small talk. You might also seek to avoid social situations in general, withdrawing from other people and not reaching out for connections.

You may not speak up about your own ideas, stories, or achievements, especially in group settings. In conversations, you may try to keep the focus on others, and when the spotlight lands on you, you may answer questions about yourself with sparse replies or respond awkwardly. Perhaps you are self-deprecating, making not-so-funny jokes at your own expense. You may find it very hard to receive compliments or attention gracefully, instead deflecting them and redirecting attention on others.

You may be quiet, aloof and not participate, or even avoid connecting with people. You may act as if you don't deserve to be heard or appreciated. At times, you may feel incompetent or inadequate.

Some people are also quieter by nature, but happy to be so. The Self-Effacing Pattern is more likely to apply to you if you are quiet, but unhappily so. You wish you could speak up and be recognized. You would like more connection with people and to feel like more people knew and liked the "real you."

While you can't always be sure of how others will receive you, you CAN address the beliefs inside yourself that say you are "less than" or unworthy of attention. By working to heal this Self-Effacing Pattern, you can feel confident to take risks in social settings and put yourself out without fear of being judged or ridiculed.

The Caretaking Pattern Jay Earley, Ph.D.

The Caretaking Pattern

Jay Earley, Ph.D.

If you have the Caretaking Pattern, you are caring and compassionate toward others, but often at the expense of your own needs or desires. At some level, though, your caring may come with strings attached. You may have a desire to be appreciated for all that you give to others, rather than giving without the need for a return. You may be aware of hoping that people will care more for you and give you their time and attention in return for your efforts.

You may take pride in being a "mind-reader." You may get a lift from providing assistance that you believe people need even before they ask for it. You may frequently give too much help, and often at the expense of taking care of yourself. You may regularly be the last person to leave a party even when you're exhausted, because you're always helping the host tidy up. You may believe that all of your giving to others is building up a pool of help and favors that you can call upon someday. Or you may believe that by reading the minds of your loved ones, you will be able to expect them to do the same for you--that they will know and deliver the support you want without you ever having to ask.

Some level of the desire to help others is natural and healthy. We are, after all, social beings who need interpersonal support to get along in the world. But if you find yourself regularly sacrificing your own comfort for the sake of helping someone else--for instance, if you give up a therapeutic massage appointment because your sister "just has to have your opinion" on a new couch she's buying--you very likely have the Caretaking Pattern.

In fact, your caretaking part may assume that other people aren't as capable of taking care of themselves as you are. You might believe that you "know better" when it comes to what would be good for someone else. Unless this person is a small child, though, it is unlikely that your perception of someone else's needs is more valid than their own.

For a variety of reasons, you may not have received feedback from others that your caretaking is a problem. If you have the Caretaking Pattern you probably attract people who may, on some level, like being taken care of, or who become dependent on you. You may have people in your life that you believe would suffer if you were to stop caretaking them, and you may enjoy "being needed."

The key to knowing if you have the Caretaking Pattern is to look at how often you are meeting your own needs. If you are always putting yourself last, if you are tired and feel like you are responsible for making sure other people are okay emotionally, logistically, or financially, then you have the Caretaking Pattern.

The Pattern System in Psychotherapy by Jay Earley, Ph.D.

The Pattern System is a comprehensive, detailed system for understanding personality in a way that can lead directly to psychological healing and personal growth.  This article discusses how it can be useful to psychotherapists.

The Pattern System allows a psychotherapist to map the psyche of a therapy client in detail. It provides a way for you to clarify the unique character structure of your clients, leading to an understanding of each client's specific needs, strengths, and difficulties.

This organizational map makes it easier for you to apply your existing therapeutic knowledge in a way that is tailored to each person. It is especially useful when your treatment of a particular client is stalled or you are confused about how to proceed. By mapping his or her patterns and healthy capacities, you are guided to a clearer understanding of where the growth process is stuck and what to do about it.

The Pattern System provides handy information about the kinds of underlying dynamics that are likely to be operating for each type of pattern a client may have. It also will help you to understand possible transference and countertransference issues that may arise with each client depending on their patterns and yours.

For example, clients who have a Prideful Pattern have a need to be seen as special and better than others. Some of them can become easily hurt by what they perceive as criticism from others, including you. They need to be gently led into an exploration of their underlying feelings, which often come from the Basic Deficiency Wound.

On the other hand, clients with a People Pleasing Pattern need to become aware of their tendency to try to please others, including their therapists. They grow by learning to assert themselves, set limits, and take initiative.

The Underlying Dynamics of Each Pattern

Once you assess that a client has a certain pattern, the Pattern System provides readily-referenced information about the possible underlying defensive motivations for this pattern and their possible origins in childhood (or occasionally, in adulthood). For any given pattern, there are a variety of options. The Pattern System doesn't attempt to tell you exactly what your client's dynamics are because every client is unique and each story is different, so the Pattern System just indicates possibilities. It shows you the most common motivations and origins to help you gain insight into what might be going on.

Learning about a Client's Patterns

Of the patterns that can be affecting a client's life, some are more obvious than others. A client will bring up certain patterns that he or she knows are causing problems. For example, a client might say that it is hard for her to leave a relationship even though she can see that it isn't good for her because she feels dependent on her partner. This is the Dependent Pattern, and understanding it can give you insight into what might be going on underneath.

Some patterns are fairly easy for you to spot even if the client doesn't see them. For example, if you recognize that a client finds it hard to assert herself with her husband and is constantly trying to please him, this is clearly the People-Pleasing Pattern.

With patterns that are more subtle, the Pattern System can be particularly helpful in recognizing something that you might otherwise have missed. For example, a client might have a Passive-Aggressive Pattern, where he or she appears to be a pleaser but actually causes people frustration and pain through unconscious and indirect aggression. Another subtle pattern is the Change-Avoiding Pattern, where clients do good work on themselves except that they block or resist actually healing their underlying wounds or making changes in their behavior, often in hidden ways.

You can encourage a client to use the Pattern System to learn about a certain pattern in order to enhance their understanding of their issues and help them to know what needs to change. In addition, if a client is having difficulty with a spouse, child, relative, or other person in their life, the Pattern System could help them to gain a better understanding of the other person, and the dynamics of their relationship.

In some cases, a client may have a pattern that operates in all areas of life. However, many patterns only become activated under certain circumstances. For example, a man might have the Assertiveness Capacity with his wife but have the People-Pleasing Pattern at work with his boss. Or vice versa. Thus in mapping a client's psyche, it is useful to assess not just which patterns or capacities he or she has, but under what circumstances they are activated.

The Pattern System delineates patterns that manifest primarily in therapy sessions as well as those that show in behavior in the person's life. For example, a client may have a pattern of shutting down emotionally (Closed Pattern) or becoming distracted (Distracted Pattern) whenever you approach painful material. Another client may become self-judgmental (Inner Critic Pattern) whenever vulnerability begins to arise.

This is an excerpt from the forthcoming book The Pattern System which will be out in October. For more information about the Pattern System, see www.patternsystem.com.

 Jay Earley, Ph.D.

The Rebel Pattern by Jay Earley, Ph.D.

This is one of the interesting patterns in the Power Dimension of the Pattern System.

If you have the Rebel Pattern, you tend to rebel against people in authority by resisting or fighting against what they want from you, whether it is actually bad for you or not. You tend to oppose people by being rigid and confrontational, and this often leads to arguments or power struggles. You feel like people are trying to control or dominate you even when they aren't. You then get angry and defiant just for the sake of being right.

Of course, it is healthy to oppose an edict that really isn't good for you or one that is imposed in a domineering way. But you tend to think that most people are doing this, or at least most authority figures. You haven't learned how to distinguish the times when you really need to defend yourself from being dominated vs. those times when this is unnecessary.

You may also react with defiance when you feel like you are being intruded upon or smothered. However, you tend to see almost everyone as intentionally doing this to you. You don't just set limits when they are really necessary; you set them most of the time. And you tend to do it in an angry, self-righteous way.

You may play devil's advocate automatically argue the opposite side of any point of view that is put forward. It is difficult for you to simply agree with someone, even when you truly do, inside. You may actually enjoy engaging in arguments or fighting against what you consider to be injustice. Of course, there is plenty of injustice in the world. But do you like to get righteously angry about harmful actions without making any proactive attempts to create harmony and fairness? If this is true, you may have a Defiant Pattern.

When someone is overly controlling, can you respond to them in a way that will be most effective in getting them to change? Or do you tend to get hostile, or dogmatically dig in your heels? Even if you are justified in fighting back, do you do this in the most effective way to get what you really want? Or do you engage in a power struggle just for the sake of it?

You may also rebel against a part of you that tells you what to do. This defiance takes the form of refusing to do something that you have decided is important to do. This is also an attempt to preserve your autonomy, but now it is directed inward at a part that you perceive as being overly demanding and controlling.

Or you may rebel against a part of you that is trying to control your impulsive behavior (such as over-eating or drinking too much). The rebellion may take the form of binge eating or drinking, just to prove that you won't be controlled by this part. This kind of inner rebellion often happens whether or not the other part of you is really being too controlling.

The Disowned Anger Pattern

By Jay Earley, PhD


This short article describes one of the patterns from the Pattern System.


If you have the Disowned Anger Pattern, you have a tendency to keep your anger hidden, to the point where you may not even be aware of when you are angry. You may, in fact, act passively and without assertiveness or strength. Because your inner fire has been doused, you are more likely to behave in pleasing or self-effacing ways, and you may lack self-confidence or drive.

You may have hard time standing up for yourself, setting limits, saying no, or being firm. Because you have disowned your anger, your strength is also squelched.

You may believe that anger is a "bad" emotion that is dangerous and destructive. Of course, anger can be destructive, but it also has an important role to play in our lives, so disowning your anger entirely will cause problems. Since you keep your anger tightly suppressed, it may occasionally come out unexpectedly or explosively without warning, like a stove pot blowing its lid from too much pressure. These extreme outbursts may create a feeling of shame and confirm your belief that anger is dangerous and out of control. This may lead to a cyclical pattern of clamping down to prevent your anger from getting out, followed by further blow-ups.

The important thing to recognize is that feeling anger is not bad. Anger is information that something important to you is being pushed against, or that a personal boundary is being crossed. In order to hear the message that your anger is trying to tell you, you must first acknowledge it. Anger also provides the fire and personal power to respond in a strong way to threats or violations. The trick is to own your anger in such a way that you convert it to strength and firmness, which is the Strength Capacity. This way you don't need to act out your anger in destructive ways.

Generally, anger is culturally stereotyped as OK for men but not for women. Because women often receive the message that people don't like them when they are angry or that "nice girls don't get mad," they are more likely to suppress the feeling from an early age. However, while the Disowned Anger Pattern is common among girls and women, boys and men can have it as well. Anyone may have the learned from their family or society that they are not supposed to feel or express anger, and therefore learned to hide their anger, even from themselves.

If you rarely feel angry (except for occasional blow-ups) and you also don't have access to your strength and personal power, then you probably have the Disowned Anger Pattern.



This pattern is part of the Strength Dimension of the Pattern System. Click http://thepatternsystem.wikispaces.com/Strength+Dimension for more information on that dimension. Click www.patternsystem.com for more on the Pattern System as a whole.

Working Through Procrastination and Achieving Your Goals

Working Through Procrastination and
Achieving Your Goals

Jay Earley, Ph.D.

This article is one of a series on the Pattern System, a way of understanding personality that looks at the various parts of your psyche rather than your personality as a whole. Each article focuses on a specific personality pattern. This one highlights the Procrastination Pattern.
Read over the following statements to see if they apply to you under some circumstances:

• I avoid taking actions that I know are needed
• I can't get my priorities clear or make decisions that would allow me to take action
• I put off making needed changes in my life
• I get stuck in the middle of a project and let it slide
• I get distracted and forget about something that has to be done
• I avoid doing certain things that involve risk or putting myself out publicly
• I spend my time thinking, planning, or daydreaming but I don't actually take action
• I spend my time relaxing and enjoying myself rather than doing something important
• There is something I really want to do, but I never get around to it
• I start on a practice of discipline or self-care, but I don't stick with it.
• I miss a deadline for a project at work (or school) or stay up all night to get it finished
• I don't carry thru on something I have committed to do

If some of these statements apply to you, you may have a Procrastination Pattern, even if they only apply to you under certain circumstances. Personality patterns aren't the same as personality types. A pattern represents only a part of you, and it doesn't have to be a dominant or pervasive part. You may procrastinate only about certain actions or in particular situations.

The Procrastination Pattern is a trailhead to transformation. By paying attention to this pattern and exploring yourself, you can transform your ability to take action. This article can help you understand the Procrastination Pattern and learn how to accomplish what you want in your life.
If the above statements fit someone you know, this article can you help you understand them and how to relate to them more effectively.

What Procrastination Looks Like

If you have a Procrastination Pattern, you tend to avoid certain kinds of action. You may avoid tasks that have to be done that you don't particularly enjoy. You may also avoid things you really want to do, especially activities that involve taking risks and the possibility of failure. You may start a project but not stay with it or not complete it. Or it takes you so long to finish it that you miss important deadlines.

Procrastination usually happens out of awareness. People who procrastinate rarely make a conscious decision not to do something. They just go along with their lives, and after a while they realize that they haven't done the task. They got distracted with other things. They got lost in thought. They spent time relaxing, partying, having fun. Sometimes they worked hard doing things that were less important than the task they were avoiding.

For example, Sandy was working on a creative video project that she was very excited about. However, she felt that she needed to really clean up her home-office before she would feel comfortable doing it. And this seemed to take forever. Then she found himself exercising and cooking rather than working on the project. She finally realized she was avoiding it.

Sometimes it isn't a specific task that you are avoiding. It is the thinking and planning that would be required for you to take action. You never seem to find the time to do it. Alternatively you may think and plan obsessively but never actually make a decision about what to do. For example, Angie was tired of her current occupation and really wanted to find something that was more creative and meaningful for her. She made lists of interesting lines of work. She thought over different possibilities. She weighed the pros and cons of various directions. But she couldn't make up her mind. There were too many options; she felt confused. Then for long stretches she would just get caught up in her current job and life and forget about a new career.

As a result of procrastination, important tasks are left undone or get done late. Projects may be done poorly because they had to be rushed at the last minute. Life decisions are postponed. You may feel stuck in your life because the changes you want to make never quite materialize. Achievement and advancement are put off or abandoned because you don't take the steps to make them happen.

In Groups and Organizations. At work or school, procrastination often leads to missing deadlines for projects. This is a classic problem for students. Procrastination sometimes means not living up to commitments you make to other people in a group or organization. For example, Sean was given a major project with a deadline, and because he wanted a promotion, he committed himself to getting it finished and doing a great job. However, he seemed to get involved in chatting with co-workers a lot. He found himself playing games on his computer. He would then try to make up for this by working late for days in a row. This would go well for a while, but then the pattern would repeat. He would sit for hours trying to work on the project while his mind drifted off onto other things.

When You Procrastinate. If you have a Procrastination Pattern, this doesn't necessarily mean that you always procrastinate. It simply means that a part of you does. There may be other parts of you that feel and act differently. And your procrastinating part may be activated in certain situations but not in others. You may procrastinate at work but not at home, or you may procrastinate only about certain activities that frighten you.

Why We Procrastinate

The most important thing to understand about procrastination is that it happens because there is a part of you that doesn't want to do the task. This part is usually unconscious. You feel that you want to do the task, or at least you realize that you have to do it. But you can't understand why it isn't getting done. This is because there are two parts of you in conflict. One part wants to do the task, and the other part doesn't. In order to resolve this dilemma, you must get in touch with the part that wants to avoid the task.

Fear of Failure or Judgment. There are a number of reasons why this part of you might want to procrastinate. Sometimes it is an attempt to avoid failing at something or being judged as inadequate. You might even be afraid of being humiliated if you stick your neck out. Frequently the tasks that get put off are those that involve risk-making a presentation, calling people on the phone, writing and article or a book, proposing a project, applying for a job, starting a business. If you were judged harshly as a child by one of your parents when you did certain things, this could make a part of you afraid of attempting similar things now. If you were humiliated by your siblings or friends at school, this could make a part of you afraid to put yourself out.

For example, when Delores had homework for school, her father would help her with it, but he had no patience for the time needed for a child to learn things. He was constantly critical of her, and this made her feel inadequate. Now whenever she is faced with a task or project that could involve failure, she becomes frightened. The fear is unconscious but it makes her avoid projects.

Other Fears. Sometimes procrastination comes from a fear of rejection. You may avoid asking someone out on a date or going to an event to meet new people, because you are afraid of not being liked, not measuring up, being rejected. It can also come from a fear of disaster or danger. Anything that causes fear of action can result in procrastination.

Despair. Fear of action can be compounded by a hopeless attitude. A part of you may feel that no matter how hard you try, you won't be successful, you won't get appreciation, you won't be accepted or loved. This is often a defense against taking risks, and a very effective one. The hopeless part says, "Why bother taking action? Why bother putting myself at risk? I will just be judged or dismissed anyway." And so it procrastinates to keep you safe.

Avoidance of Difficulties. Sometimes procrastination is an attempt to avoid facing situations that are painful or difficult. You might avoid something that involves having to make a difficult choice, or confronting someone you are close to, or seeing how much pain a loved one is feeling. Jeff is a 78 year old who procrastinated about investigating assisted living possibilities because he didn't want to think about losing his functioning. Anything that you would rather not face can become the focus of procrastination. In most cases, you would never choose consciously to avoid it, but procrastination happens outside of awareness.

Some people are actually identified with the part of them that doesn't want to take action. If you are like this, you may not want to do tasks that you find boring or unpleasant that need to be done. You aren't concerned about doing them, even if not doing them makes your life more difficult. You may not care enough about getting a better job or taking care of your health. You may not care enough about your grades in school or paying your bills. You may feel that life is for enjoyment and having fun, and everything else is secondary.

Defiance. Procrastination can also be an unconscious bid for autonomy. If a task is given to you by your boss or your teacher, for example, a part of you may be angry at being told what to do. This part resents being told to do something boring or difficult. You may not be aware of the resentment because another part of you knows that you have to do the task, and that is the part you identify with. You are consciously planning to get the task done before the deadline, so you push your anger into your unconscious. But you do this at your peril because the time keeps slipping away and you aren't getting enough done. The resentful, procrastinating part is the one in charge. It is defying your teacher or your boss by avoiding the task, because it wants to be autonomous, and all this is happening without your being aware of it.

This kind of unconscious defiance can also be directed at a part of yourself. For example, Mike decided that he wanted to get regular exercise to improve his health. A part of him (let's call it the Driver) set up an exercise program that he was supposed to follow. However, another part of him (My Way Part) resented being told what to do, even by another part of Mike. The Driver and the My Way Part got locked into battles outside Mike's awareness, and the result was that his exercising was hit-and-miss. And he didn't keep up with it.

This dynamic often gets created when there was a parent who frequently told you what to do in a way that didn't respect your own needs and desires. For example, Mike's mother constantly nagged at him to practice his trumpet and made him feel bad when he didn't. She knew he had talent and she wasn't interested in how he felt about playing the trumpet. Mike's My Way Part resented his mother's invasion of his autonomy. Now in his current life, Mike's Driver has a style of assigning him tasks that is similar to his mother's style-demanding and critical. This is an example of the Taskmaster Pattern. This does not sit well with the My Way Part. Any time his Driver part sets up a task, it feels like another invasion and the My Way Part goes on strike. This is an example of the Rebel Pattern. Those two are constantly in conflict. In Internal Family Systems Therapy, this dynamic is called polarization.

Cultural Origins. Procrastination is widespread in American culture because of our over-emphasis on achievement and competition. Children get pushed hard to succeed, often early in life, either by their parents or their schools. And many are made to feel inadequate if they can't measure up to such demands or score high in the competition for grades. Therefore many of them rebel against this regimen, either directly or unconsciously inside themselves. And others end up expecting themselves to fail and become frightened of trying things. This sets them up for procrastination.

This is especially true for those whose natural inclinations are artistic, emotional, and intuitive, whose learning style emphasizes reverie and experimenting. These qualities aren't valued much by our intellectual, striving culture, and it is hard for these folks to succeed by the standards used in our schools and workplaces. This sets them up to feel inadequate or rebellious-and to procrastinate.

Passive Aggressive Pattern and Assertiveness Capacity

Story of Passive Aggressive Pattern and Assertiveness Capacity

By: Jay Earley Ph.D.

Passive Aggressive Pattern Description

If you have the Passive Aggressive Pattern, you tend to act in a way that looks like you are agreeable and pleasing, on the surface, but in the end your behavior either hurts people or frustrates them. You may only be aware of your surface desire to please people. You may even realize that you're afraid of not pleasing someone, especially your partner.

The clue to help you realize if you have this pattern is when people you are close to regularly get frustrated with you or feel hurt by you. You may feel wronged when this happens. You may even say to yourself, "I'm doing my best to be nice and agreeable, but my partner doesn't seem to get this. She keeps getting on my case for doing things that upset her. But I don't have any idea what she is talking about."

If you have a Passive Aggressive Pattern, there is an unconscious part of you that is resentful and perhaps defiant. This part is irritated at how much you kowtow to what your partner wants. Or it may be angry at her for things she said that resulted in your feeling undervalued or unappreciated. But you don't feel that you have any right to be angry or defiant, so it all goes underground in your consciousness. You act in seemingly agreeable ways, but you add a little mean twist to your behavior that frustrates your partner.

For example, your partner asks you to do something for her that needs to happen by a certain date. You agree to do it, but then you forget about it until after the date has passed, and she then has to suffer the consequences. Consciously, you just forgot, but your Passive-Aggressive Part did this on purpose to punish her for something unspoken that bothered you.

Another example: There is a woman at work who you are somewhat attracted to. You have no intention of acting on this because you are faithfully married. Your wife has met her and is jealous of her beauty, and so she has made it clear she doesn't want you to even have a friendship with her. You say yes to a lunch with the woman without telling your wife, rationalizing, "I know I'm not going to have an affair, so what is wrong with just having lunch?" However, you "accidentally" leave a clue that alerts your wife to the lunch. She is very upset.

It isn't easy to know if you have this pattern because it is often unconscious; and it also is not something that any of us want to admit to. You may need to explore the unconscious motivations of your behavior to find out for sure.

Passive Aggressive Story

Whenever Joe's wife, Marge, asks him to do something around the house, he always seems to go along and agree to do it. But the task rarely gets done. He either conveniently "forgets" about it, or he does a little bit of it, but doesn't finish the job. Sometimes he does the job but in a way that isn't really what she wanted. In all instances, Marge is left feeling frustrated with Joe.

Joe appears to feel vaguely guilty about this, but it keeps happening; and Marge is getting increasingly angry. She begins to wonder: "Does Joe really care for me? Because I feel like I can't trust him anymore." Marge has a vague feeling that he is getting back at her, but she can't figure out exactly why.

Joe keeps saying, "Hey, I'm only human. I just forget sometimes." He claims he would really like to give her all the things she wants.

This is passive-aggressive behavior in action. What is really going on with Joe? He has a part that is a People Pleaser. This part of him really wants to make Marge happy by doing everything she asks. It is actually afraid of not pleasing her. It fears she will become angry and judgmental, that she will withdraw from Joe and reject him. Therefore, when Marge asks Joe to do something, the Pleaser doesn't stop to consider whether or not he wants to do it, or if he has the time. It automatically says "Yes." It wants to protect Joe from the pain of being judged or rejected by Marge. And Joe isn't aware of what is going on.

However, this is only half the story. There is another part of Joe that is Passive-Aggressive. This part has very different feelings about Marge's requests. First of all, it doesn't see them as "requests". It feels that Marge is "demanding" things from him. It resents Marge for pushing Joe around and telling him what to do. And the Passive-Aggressive Part is even more resentful when Joe gives in. It feels angry at Marge and wants to say, "How dare you tell me what to do!"

However, the Passive-Aggressive Part is overruled by the Pleaser. It isn't allowed to defy Marge or get angry at her because the Pleaser would be terrified about what would happen. So the Passive-Aggressive Part is silenced. It doesn't get to act in a direct way, and Joe doesn't even know that he has a part like this. The Passive-Aggressive Part is completely unconscious.

In addition, Joe has a lot of anger and rage held over from his childhood, especially directed at women. So now this anger sometimes gets directed at Marge, even when she hasn't done anything. However, Joe has protectors that are terrified about what would happen if he expressed his anger directly, so it is hidden away, where Joe doesn't know about it. It feeds into the feelings of the Passive-Aggressive Part, again in an unconscious way.

However, the Passive-Aggressive Part is not without some power. Even though it can't be directly aggressive the way it would like, it can be passively aggressive. It can prevent Joe from giving Marge what she wants. It may cause Joe to forget what he has promised to do. The Passive-Aggressive Part may influence Joe do a job in a willy-nilly way that will frustrate Marge, or even scare her by leaving it precariously half finished. It knows how to get back at Marge in an indirect way that Joe isn't even aware of. And when Marge does get frustrated or scared, the Passive-Aggressive Part feels satisfied because it has expressed its anger and rebellion. Ha-ha! It has "gotten" her.

Joe has two sides that are at odds with each other. They are conflicted about the best way to deal with Marge. The Pleaser takes charge directly when Marge asks Joe to do something, and the Passive-Aggressive Part takes charge indirectly (subconscious revenge) later on.

Assertiveness Story

Through IFS, Joe got to know his People Pleaser and his Passive-Aggressive Part and what they were trying to do for him. He was very surprised to learn that all this was going on beneath the surface and without his knowledge. He connected with the Pleaser, and learned about its fear. He helped it realize that: "If I don't always please Marge, and she does get angry at me, I can handle it. I won't crumble to pieces. I can stand my ground and talk to her about it."

He connected with the Passive-Aggressive Part and saw how determined it was to avoid being controlled. He talked to this part and helped it realize that: "Marge isn't really trying to control me most of the time, so you can relax your vigilance. You don't have to be so testy about being dominated."

Joe reported: "I also discovered just how angry this part was at times and how this got acted out indirectly. I began to learn how to be aware of my anger, so I can practice expressing it directly rather than underhandedly. Sometimes," he realized, "I wasn't actually angry at Marge at all. I was on, like, automatic pilot."

Once these parts became conscious and learned to trust Joe, his pattern of passive-aggressive behavior was much easier to change. "I learned to decide for myself if I wanted to do what Marge asked. I can now have a discussion with her about what should and should not be done, rather than feeling like a soldier, obliged to just salute and obey. Now, when I agree to do a task, I am more engaged in the decision, so I have no trouble carrying through with it, and I make sure the task is done the right way. Furthermore, instead of grumbling, 'This'll fix her wagon!' I do it with a feeling of joy and pride in my workmanship. Even if it is something as simple as vacuuming."

Joe also worked on developing his Assertiveness Capacity. "If there's ever something about Marge's attitude that registers as controlling, I am able to talk to her about it in an assertive way without being either overly pleasing or aggressive. I can also assert myself with Marge when asking for the things I want rather than being sneakily vengeful. Never again will I have the need to act out my anger on her. I can be open and direct with Marge, which encourages her to be the same with me. Who knew some IFS work could affect such a radical-and wonderful-change.