Mostrando entradas con la etiqueta Mindfulness. Mostrar todas las entradas
Mostrando entradas con la etiqueta Mindfulness. Mostrar todas las entradas
22 ago 2013
Breaking Free From Emotional Perfectionism
Are you an emotional perfectionist?
Do any of the following statements ring true for you?
- I should always be happy and upbeat.
- I should never feel depressed or anxious.
- I should be able to snap out of a “negative” state of mind.
Perpetually cheerful people can actually get on one’s nerves, as such individuals can sometimes seem artificial. We generally feel more at ease around people who express themselves in a manner appropriate to the situation and who can pick up on other people’s vibes.
Years ago I worked with a supervisor for whom I had tremendous respect. He demonstrated kindness, firmness, an excellent work ethic, an engaging sense of humor, and was just basically appealing. I looked forward to seeing him everyday. He both encouraged and terrified me, in that he demanded a lot of his staff but also made it clear that he believed in everyone’s ability to do what he asked of them.
When we ran into serious bureaucratic issues in our department, and he divulged to me that he felt (quite appropriately) anxious, he rose even higher in my estimation, and believe me, this is saying a lot. He revealed himself to be strong enough to handle uncomfortable feelings, rather than wall them off, and simultaneously deal with the situation at hand.
In other words, he demonstrated emotional flexibility, the healthy alternative to emotional perfectionism.
Emotionally healthy people have a wide range of feelings, which they embrace with compassion and patience. This usually translates to relating well to other people. This works both ways – when we’re empathic and allow ourselves to enter into another person’s emotional experience, such as sitting with a friend who’s lost a loved one and is grieving, we often become more tolerant of our own feelings.
Emotional perfectionism, on the other hand, is common among people who suffer from anxiety and depression, and does not work in our favor.
Reasons to let go of emotional perfectionism:
Our feelings give us important feedback. Have you ever had a gut instinct about a person or situation, dismissed your hunch, and later on down the line, when the relationship or job deteriorated, regretted that you ignored your intuition? Accepting and becoming curious about our uncomfortable feelings allows us to learn the lesson they contain. Sometimes the symptom is a signal.
Refusal to feel discomfort can lead us to avoid challenging situations. If we steer clear of anxiety, for instance, we may never take that leap, go on that first date, commit to marriage, take that trip to a foreign country, or go on that job interview. In fact, we can get ourselves in worse trouble, but falling into addictive behaviors in an attempt to avoid discomfort. Or we can stay in relationships or jobs that have outlived their usefulness, because we prefer familiarity to the temporary agitation we might feel if we made a change.
Excessive control of our emotions can result in emotional constipation. Becoming preoccupied with micromanaging our feelings and judging some as “bad” can get us into a state of emotional blockage or “blunting”, where we end up feeling not much of anything at all. Once we’re at this point, life can feel surreal and we can lose touch with our intuition. When we block out uncomfortable feelings such as grief or anger, we tend to block out pleasant emotions such as happiness as well. Being in an emotional straitjacket can be the result.
How to overcome emotional perfectionism:
Treat your feelings with kindness. The practice of mindfulness, which involves an awareness of our present reality without judgment, allows room for all emotions. The idea is to take on the role of a compassionate observer. You neither push your feelings away, nor do you become enmeshed in them. Instead of identifying with the emotion, you can say to yourself, “Sadness is here. What are you trying to tell me?” Experiment with asking your question on the in-breath, and listening for the answer on the out-breath. Again and again. Perhaps nothing will come to you, and that’s okay. The point is to be present and accepting of your full palette of emotions.
Find safe people with whom to share your feelings. This is not a license to vent at length without moving on to an action (or acceptance) plan, as people are not to be “vomited” on (yes, another digestive system analogy). However, being heard and validated by others is powerfully healing. Find people who can handle receiving your feelings. Not all people are willing, for various reasons. Some people aren’t at a place of acceptance with their own emotions and may criticize or withdraw from you. Be selective.
Allow your feelings to sneak in the back door. Sometimes we can become so stressed that intellectualizing and living in our heads becomes the norm. It can be really disconcerting to realize that we’re not able to cry even if we want to, for instance. We want to thaw out but don’t know how. Try a yoga class, getting a massage, watching a movie, or listening to music that at one time was meaningful to you. Play with a kitten or puppy. Let your guard down.
Repeat a comforting phrase to yourself, such as:
- Let go.
- It’s okay.
- This too shall pass.
- I can handle this.
- It’s okay to feel.
- This feeling won’t kill me.
- May I be kind to myself in this moment.
APA Reference
Last reviewed: 21 Aug 2013
Fintzy, R. (2013). Breaking Free From Emotional Perfectionism. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 22, 2013, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/cultivating-contentment/2013/08/breaking-free-from-emotional-perfectionism/
19 feb 2013
13 ene 2013
12 nov 2012
Mindfulness Helps You Become a Better Leader
Ever since the financial crisis of 2008, I have sensed from many leaders that they want to do a better job of leading in accordance with their personal values. The crisis exposed the fallacies of measuring success in monetary terms and left many leaders with a deep feeling of unease that they were being pulled away from what I call their True North.
As markets rose and bonus pools grew, it was all too easy to celebrate the rising tide of wealth without examining the process that created it. Too many leaders placed self-interest ahead of their organizations' interests, and ended up disappointing the customers, employees, and shareholders who had trusted them. I often advise emerging leaders, "You know you're in trouble when you start to judge your self-worth by your net worth." Nevertheless, many leaders get caught up in this game without realizing it.
This happened to me in 1988, when I was an executive vice president at Honeywell, en route to the top. By external standards I was highly successful, but inside I was deeply unhappy. I had begun to focus too much on impressing other people and positioning myself to become CEO. I was caught up with external measures of success instead of looking inward to measure my success as a human and a leader. I was losing my way.
My colleague, Harvard Professor Clayton Christensen, addressed this topic in his HBR article, How Will You Measure Your Life? Clay observed that few people, if any, intend at the outset of their career to behave dishonestly and hurt others. Early on, even Bernie Madoff and Enron's Jeff Skilling planned to live honest lives. But then, Christensen says, they started making exceptions to the rules "just this once."
At Harvard Business School, we are challenging students to think hard about their definition of success and what's important in their lives. Instead of viewing success as reaching a certain position or achieving a certain net worth, we encourage these future leaders to see success as making a positive difference in the lives of their colleagues, their organizations, their families, and society as a whole. The course that I created in 2005, Authentic Leadership Development (ALD), has become one of the most popular elective MBA courses, thanks to my HBS colleagues who are currently teaching it. It enables second-year MBAs to ground their careers in their beliefs, values, and principles, following the authentic leadership process described in my 2007 book, True North. More recently, ALD has become a very popular course for executives of global companies.
With all the near-term pressures in today's society, especially in business, it is very difficult to find the right equilibrium between achieving our long-term goals and short-term financial metrics. As you take on greater leadership responsibilities, the key is to stay grounded and authentic, face new challenges with humility, and balance professional success with more important but less easily quantified measures of personal success. That is much easier said than done.
The practice of mindful leadership gives you tools to measure and manage your life as you're living it. It teaches you to pay attention to the present moment, recognizing your feelings and emotions and keeping them under control, especially when faced with highly stressful situations. When you are mindful, you're aware of your presence and the ways you impact other people. You're able to both observe and participate in each moment, while recognizing the implications of your actions for the longer term. And that prevents you from slipping into a life that pulls you away from your values.
I don't use the word "practice" lightly. In order to gain awareness and clarity about the present moment, you must be able to quiet your mind. That is tremendously difficult and takes a lifetime of practice. In 2012, I had the privilege of presenting my ideas on authentic leadership to his Holiness the Dalai Lama. When I asked him what it took to become an authentic leader, he replied, "You must have practices that you engage in every day."
My most important introspective practice is meditation, something I try to do for twenty minutes twice a day. In 1975 I went with my wife Penny to a Transcendental Meditation (TM) Workshop. Although I never adopted the spiritual portion of TM, the physical practice became an integral part of my daily routine. Meditation has been a godsend for me. As an active leader who has held highly stressful roles since my mid-twenties, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure in my early thirties. When I started meditating, I was able to stay calmer and more focused in my leadership, without losing the "edge" that I believed had made me successful. Meditation enabled me to cast off the many trivial worries that once possessed me and gain clarity about what was really important. I gradually became more self-aware and more sensitive to the impact I was having on others. Just as important, my blood pressure returned to normal and stayed there.
In recent years, medical studies have found evidence of meditation's many benefits, including protecting against health problems from high blood pressure and arthritis to infertility, reducing stress, improving attention and sensory processing; and physically altering parts of the brain associated with learning and memory, emotional regulation, and perspective-taking — critical cognitive skills for leaders attempting to maintain their equilibrium under constant pressure.
While many CEOs and companies are embracing meditation, it may not be for everyone. The important thing is to have a set time each day to pull back from the intense pressures of leadership to reflect on what is happening. In addition to meditation, I know leaders who take time for daily journaling, prayer, and reflecting while walking, hiking or jogging. I also find it extremely helpful to share the day's events with Penny and seek her counsel.
Regardless of the daily introspective practice you choose, the pursuit of mindful leadership will help you achieve clarity about what is important to you and a deeper understanding of the world around you. Mindfulness will help you clear away the trivia and needless worries about unimportant things, nurture passion for your work and compassion for others, and develop the ability to empower the people in your organization.
This happened to me in 1988, when I was an executive vice president at Honeywell, en route to the top. By external standards I was highly successful, but inside I was deeply unhappy. I had begun to focus too much on impressing other people and positioning myself to become CEO. I was caught up with external measures of success instead of looking inward to measure my success as a human and a leader. I was losing my way.
My colleague, Harvard Professor Clayton Christensen, addressed this topic in his HBR article, How Will You Measure Your Life? Clay observed that few people, if any, intend at the outset of their career to behave dishonestly and hurt others. Early on, even Bernie Madoff and Enron's Jeff Skilling planned to live honest lives. But then, Christensen says, they started making exceptions to the rules "just this once."
At Harvard Business School, we are challenging students to think hard about their definition of success and what's important in their lives. Instead of viewing success as reaching a certain position or achieving a certain net worth, we encourage these future leaders to see success as making a positive difference in the lives of their colleagues, their organizations, their families, and society as a whole. The course that I created in 2005, Authentic Leadership Development (ALD), has become one of the most popular elective MBA courses, thanks to my HBS colleagues who are currently teaching it. It enables second-year MBAs to ground their careers in their beliefs, values, and principles, following the authentic leadership process described in my 2007 book, True North. More recently, ALD has become a very popular course for executives of global companies.
With all the near-term pressures in today's society, especially in business, it is very difficult to find the right equilibrium between achieving our long-term goals and short-term financial metrics. As you take on greater leadership responsibilities, the key is to stay grounded and authentic, face new challenges with humility, and balance professional success with more important but less easily quantified measures of personal success. That is much easier said than done.
The practice of mindful leadership gives you tools to measure and manage your life as you're living it. It teaches you to pay attention to the present moment, recognizing your feelings and emotions and keeping them under control, especially when faced with highly stressful situations. When you are mindful, you're aware of your presence and the ways you impact other people. You're able to both observe and participate in each moment, while recognizing the implications of your actions for the longer term. And that prevents you from slipping into a life that pulls you away from your values.
I don't use the word "practice" lightly. In order to gain awareness and clarity about the present moment, you must be able to quiet your mind. That is tremendously difficult and takes a lifetime of practice. In 2012, I had the privilege of presenting my ideas on authentic leadership to his Holiness the Dalai Lama. When I asked him what it took to become an authentic leader, he replied, "You must have practices that you engage in every day."
My most important introspective practice is meditation, something I try to do for twenty minutes twice a day. In 1975 I went with my wife Penny to a Transcendental Meditation (TM) Workshop. Although I never adopted the spiritual portion of TM, the physical practice became an integral part of my daily routine. Meditation has been a godsend for me. As an active leader who has held highly stressful roles since my mid-twenties, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure in my early thirties. When I started meditating, I was able to stay calmer and more focused in my leadership, without losing the "edge" that I believed had made me successful. Meditation enabled me to cast off the many trivial worries that once possessed me and gain clarity about what was really important. I gradually became more self-aware and more sensitive to the impact I was having on others. Just as important, my blood pressure returned to normal and stayed there.
In recent years, medical studies have found evidence of meditation's many benefits, including protecting against health problems from high blood pressure and arthritis to infertility, reducing stress, improving attention and sensory processing; and physically altering parts of the brain associated with learning and memory, emotional regulation, and perspective-taking — critical cognitive skills for leaders attempting to maintain their equilibrium under constant pressure.
While many CEOs and companies are embracing meditation, it may not be for everyone. The important thing is to have a set time each day to pull back from the intense pressures of leadership to reflect on what is happening. In addition to meditation, I know leaders who take time for daily journaling, prayer, and reflecting while walking, hiking or jogging. I also find it extremely helpful to share the day's events with Penny and seek her counsel.
Regardless of the daily introspective practice you choose, the pursuit of mindful leadership will help you achieve clarity about what is important to you and a deeper understanding of the world around you. Mindfulness will help you clear away the trivia and needless worries about unimportant things, nurture passion for your work and compassion for others, and develop the ability to empower the people in your organization.
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