A recent study indicates that crying does not make people feel better. But there is a problem with this study.
(Crying shame: Tears don't make you feel any better, study shows, By Cari Nierenberg, http://bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/07/29/7190543-crying-shame-tears-dont-make-you-feel-any-better-study-shows#.TjR9l8uTx0A.email).
The study indicates that:
"Shedding tears only improved mood in one-third of criers who kept tabs of their bawling behaviors, finds recent research."
The problem is that they do not differentiate between crying as a victim and crying to release the authentic pain of grief, loneliness and heartbreak. They do not differentiate between victim tears and authentic tears that release core painful feelings. It is likely that the one-third who benefited from crying were those who were releasing authentic pain.
Victim Tears
Crying as a victim is a bottomless pit and will never lead to feeling better. Victim tears are a protection again taking responsibility for yourself. This is a state of self-pity, rather than a state of compassion for yourself. When you are crying as a victim, your heart is closed to yourself. It is a state of self-abandonment.
It may be challenging to know when you are being a victim, but it's easy to know when another is being a victim. We've all had the experience of being with someone who is crying and wanting us to make them feel better. We feel a pull from them to fix them. When I'm with someone who is crying from this victim state, I don't feel drawn to hold and comfort them. I do have compassion for them, as they are in a state of deep self-abandonment, and I'm always willing to help if they genuinely want the kind of help that leads to personal responsibility. But it would not be loving to them for me to enable them by doing for them what they need to be doing for themselves.
If you find that crying doesn't make you feel any better, then it is likely that you are in a victim state. Crying from this state might even make you feel worse. This study found that:
"For the majority of cases -- 61 percent of them -- sobbers reported no change in mood compared to how they felt before moisture streamed down their cheeks. Thirty percent experienced a better mood afterward and nine percent felt worse."
You will move out of the victim state the moment you want responsibility for your own feelings.
Authentic Tears
Crying can help to release the deep pain of profound heartbreak and grief that is due to very painful life situations. Crying helps to move the energy of these painful emotions out of the body so that they don't get stuck and cause illness.
When you are crying as an expression of your authentic feelings, you are gently holding your heart with deep compassion toward yourself. Your heart is open to yourself, and to receiving comfort from a spiritual source of love, as well as from others.
While the crying of victim pain can go on and on, the crying of authentic pain is generally short. The pain may come in waves, and if you allow yourself to cry each time, it will gradually diminish.
The study states:
"...participants who sobbed with the greatest intensity -- but not for the longest amount of time -- enjoyed the biggest bang from their bawling: Their moods benefited the most from shedding tears."
It is likely that these were the people who were expressing authentic pain. It's interesting to me that only one-third of the people in the study benefited from their crying, which indicates to me that two-thirds of the people were crying as victims.
The study's conclusion that "Crying is not nearly as beneficial as people think it is," is, in my view, misleading. I would state instead that crying as a victim is not at all beneficial, and crying the authentic tears of grief and heartbreak is very beneficial.
I would also add that crying from a moved heart - moved by love, beauty, tenderness, caring and compassion, is very beneficial. This indicates a truly open heart - a heart that can experience both joy and sorrow.
The Power of Tears
“Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either.” – Golda Meir
Do you have a lid on your tears? Do you also have a hard time laughing with your whole body?
Our tears are a God-given way of expressing sadness, just as laughter is a God-given way of expressing fun and joy. Both laughter and tears release stress in loving ways, rather than having to release it through anger or through holding it in your body, which can eventually cause physical pain and illness.
However, there are two kinds of tears, wounded tears and authentic, core tears.
Wounded Tears
Wounded tears are the tears we express when we are feeling like a victim. Wounded tears come from the pain that we are causing ourselves with our own self-abandonment. When we do not take loving care of our own feelings – instead ignoring our feelings, judging them, and avoiding them with various addictions – we might then project on to others that they are abandoning us and are the cause of our emotional pain.
Wounded victim tears are a manipulation of others, trying to make others feel guilty and responsible for you. The hope of wounded tears is that the other person will feel sympathy and pity for you, and give you the love and attention that you are not giving to yourself. Wounded tears are a way of avoiding personal responsibility for yourself – emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Wounded tears are a bottomless pit. Because they are being caused by your own self-abandonment, your misery will not go away until you choose to take responsibility for your self.
When you are at the other end of another’s wounded tears, you might feel put off by them. This is a normal reaction to the manipulation and is not an indication that you are a heartless person. When you don’t feel moved by another’s tears, there is a good chance that it is because their tears are trying to make you feel guilty and responsible for them.
Authentic Tears
Authentic tears are the tears we express when we are feeling the loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, sadness, sorrow, or grief of life. The pain behind these tears is not from how we are treating ourselves, but from the painful events of life – the loneliness and heartbreak of childhood abuse, of the loss of a loved one, the loneliness and heartache of being at the other end of another’s meanness, the fear and grief over the loss of a job or loss of financial security, the heartbreak and grief of shattered dreams, the sorrow of seeing others’ suffering or seeing peoples’ unlovingness toward each other, and so on.
Authentic tears come from an open heart. When you are in the presence of someone who is in authentic pain, you generally feel moved to comfort them. If your own heart is open, you will likely feel their pain within you as you empathize with their feelings, and tears might come to your eyes.
It is vitally important to be able to express your authentic pain. When you put a lid on your authentic pain, the pain has to go somewhere, and it often goes into the muscles of your body, causing things like neck and back pain. The repression of authentic pain can cause so much stress in the body that your immune system is suppressed, which can eventually contribute to illnesses such as heart disease and cancer.
Authentic pain and true joy exist in the same place within your heart. When you put a lid on authentic pain, you also put a lid on authentic joy. If your life feels somewhat colorless, consider learning how to open to your authentic pain and you will discover your laughter and joy.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome and visit our website at http://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!
