By Nathan Feiles, LMSW
How many times have you heard someone refer to a person’s personality or character, saying, “He’s a strong man”, or , “She’s a strong woman”? In managing our relationship with ourselves and interpersonal relationships, it is important to understand emotions, associated behaviors, and overall character traits that hurt us more than they help us. These traits we carry or see in others impact how we view and treat ourselves, how we present ourselves to others, and how we view and regard others.
One problematic stereotype is what people generally regard as a “strong” person. It’s problematic because there is often an inaccuracy of how people label “strength” — which impacts the qualities we admire or idealize in others, as well the traits that we want to develop and emphasize in ourselves. When people refer to a “strong” person, the traits that are being pointed to as “strong” are often closer to grandiosity, contempt, rigidity, stubbornness, aggressiveness, and desire to control others. All of these traits hold similarities to bullying.
People tend to confuse these emotions and associated behaviors with strength — possibly because these types of traits tend to be confused with the stereotype of “power” (another debatable term) .
This is a troubling stereotype, because these types of emotions and behaviors are generally negative qualities that disrupt interpersonal relationships. Even if mistaken for “power” (which can result in admiration or idealization of these traits), power structures are usually detrimental to relationships. Basically, these traits are weaknesses rather than strengths. It’s not bad to experience these emotions, since we all have the capacity to experience the emotions we are born with — most people have occasional moments of grandiosity, rigidity, etc. — but it’s problematic if these emotions and associated behaviors are present to the point where they characterize one’s overall personality.
People who are perceived as “strong” tend to carry the demeanor of people who “don’t take stuff from others.” This can create avoidance and fear from others, rather than openness and connection.
The Danger of Mislabeled Emotions and Behaviors
This issue highlights the danger of mislabeling emotions and behaviors. It’s one thing to not know if you’re feeling the difference between “fury” and “rage”, since these emotions are so similar. But, if we see someone who is contemptuous, stubborn, and controlling as “strong”, simply because they seem confident, then we end up admiring and idealizing character weaknesses rather than strengths. Internalizing these qualities actually hurts us and our interpersonal relationships, since these qualities can be divisive and at times, just mean.
Of course, this isn’t always case. There are positive forms of strength that people do see and look up to, and often people with the negative traits above do bear some real character strengths, as well. No one is “all good” or “all bad”. The idea here is to notice the qualities of strength while being able to look past the more limiting character traits, rather than perceiving (and mislabeling) maladaptive character traits to be signs of strength.
What Makes a “Strong” Person?
It would be naive to try to sum up a “strong” person in one paragraph, since this topic could really take a book to cover. But character strengths tend to lean toward emotionally integrated behaviors that are healthy for ourselves and also interpersonally effective. Basically, strengths show that we’re being true to ourselves and our values, while also allowing the space for others to be true to their own selves and values. And when two people (or more) come together, that there is room for some influence and compromise.
So, a big part of character strength is seeing that there is more than one’s own perspective. If you’re dealing with a person where things have to be “my way, or no way”, this would be a character weakness — an inability to accept influence and to allow other perspectives to be valid. Being open to influence from others and their perspectives is a sign of strength.
Decision-making skills and self-confidence are also character strengths. But, one still needs to remain cautious of making decisions on behalf of others. It’s a strength to be decisive for ourselves, but it’s important that decisions aren’t not put onto others simply because we believe in our choices.
Similarly, with confidence, there can be a blurry line between confidence and grandiosity. Grandiosity is closer to the feeling that we know better than others and that we somehow are higher up, or more worthy than others. Some people call this “cocky” or “arrogant”. This is not confidence. This is a character weakness that stems from insecurity in self-esteem. Confidence is knowing and trusting in one’s abilities, and not necessarily having to display it or force it for others to see. Confidence is internal and doesn’t require external validation.
With that in mind, here’s a short list of what can be character strengths:
Ability to accept influence from others (perspectives, suggestions, etc.)
Confidence
Ability to delegate
Trusting
Decisive
Sees others as equal
Can channel maladaptive states of emotion (such as aggression and hostility) into productivity, rather than acting out.
True to self and values, while still open to influence
Ability to compromise
Ability to talk with, and not talk over or demand from people
Ability to recognize own weaknesses
There are certainly more character strengths that exist in people. But notice the theme above — allowing others in, while not idealizing one’s self. This shows how important it is that we learn to more accurately label emotions in ourselves and others, since it impacts how we view and connect with ourselves and others. We can then look in the mirror or at other people from a healthy perspective and say, “That’s a strong person,” or, “I’m a strong person.”
31 ene 2013
THE LAW OF DIVINE COMPENSATION
Dear God,
I surrender to You who I am,
what I have, and what I do.
May my life and talents be used
in whatever way serves You best.
I surrender to You my failures
and any pain still in my heart.
I surrender to You my successes
and the hopes that they contain.
May the Light of Your Love
shine deep within my heart
and extend through me
to bless the world.
Amen.
~ Marianne Williamson.
12-Steps to Creating Motivation When Depressed
12-Steps to Creating Motivation When Depressed
By Nathan Feiles, LMSW
Creating motivation when feeling depressed can be one of the most difficult things a person can do. An episode of depression can be physically and emotionally draining. The simplest of tasks seem to take maximum effort, and sometimes even beyond maximum. Some may feel lethargic. It may be tough make meals, or clean up at home, or take showers, or even get out of bed.
Navigating motivation when depressed can be tough because the instinct is to wait for the energy to return. People who are depressed often fall into the trap of trying to wait it out — that if you give in to the urge to stay in bed for a few days, that you’ll be re-energized and recharged, believing you’ll have exorcised the depression demons by just “going with it”.
Unfortunately, it’s not usually as simple as this. If everybody tried to wait out their depressive episodes, some people would be in bed for 20 years, realizing somewhere along the way that depression actually tends to breed depression if it’s not actively confronted. That’s right, catering to our depressive urges actually reinforces them.
Obviously, actively doing anything doesn’t sound so desirable when feeling depressed, let alone confronting our depressive urges head-on. While it’s important to give depressive symptoms their attention and get to understand and learn about what’s underlying the depressive episode, the concept of “mind over matter” can help create motivation when depressed. I have seen evidence with many people that creating a change in mindset with small, manageable, behavioral steps can change a whole experience of depression. For some it’s brought their symptoms entirely into remission. This doesn’t replace taking the steps to learn more about what’s causing the episodes, but these steps can help us move on with our lives while we continue to work on the underlying issues.
Let’s look at some steps that can help break an episode or a cycle of depression.
1) Opposite Action – In Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy (an offshoot of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy), Opposite Action is the idea of forcing yourself to do something that you know is good for you, in order to prevent the reinforcement of a bad habit. For example, if you want to stay on the couch and watch tv all day, when realizing this only gives in to depression, opposite action would say to get up and go out, knowing it would be a healthier behavior. It’s very much a “just to the opposite of your unhealthy urge” technique. In CBT, the principle is that your behaviors can create positive changes in your emotions.
2) Set an Alarm – This isn’t only for getting out of bed. The alarm can be for anything that marks a symptom of depression. You might set an alarm to wake yourself up at a certain time to make sure you get out of bed in the morning; or you might set an alarm to signal a meal time if you’re missing meals, or signal time to do laundry, or run a particular set of errands, and so on. The alarm serves as a cue to draw your attention to a target area where you want to become more active in change.
3) Make Your Bed – Getting out of bed can be very tough with depression. The first step to take is to sit up on the bed, put your feet on the floor, and visualize leaving all of your troubles and thoughts behind you in the bed. Then, get up and nicely make your bed, leaving the troubles behind for the day. Making the bed is essential in this process, as it signals to your brain that there isn’t an option to get back in the bed for the day. As you make your bed, it can also be helpful to imagine the troubles you’re left behind dissipating as the covers are pulled up.
4) Wash Up – The more routine-setting steps you’re able to add on after you make your bed, the better. Try washing your face and brushing your teeth to help wake you up. With these kind of steps you’re training your brain to understand that you’re getting ready for “something,” rather than simply a day laying around.
5) Get Dressed – This is a crucial step in separating from the bed to the day. Sitting around in pajamas on the couch is still possible, even if you escape the bedroom. Getting dressed decreases the urge to lounge, because again you’re reinforcing in your brain that you’re getting ready for something.
6) Go Outside – This can be one of the toughest steps for people who struggle with depression — actually leaving the house. One of the problems with this step is that people are easily held back by not having a place to go. “Okay, I can go outside…..but then what?” So for this step, the idea is to not have a place to go. The goal is going outside, not the particular place you go once you’re outside. Go outside, close the door behind you, and do whatever comes to mind — a walk around the block, down the street, pacing in front of your house, getting in your car and driving on an errand, and so on. It can be anything or nothing at all, but the goal is to spend at least ten minutes outside before going back in.
7) Choose One Exercise – Getting your body moving is a good way to start feeling better. Choose an exercise that works for you: walking, running, swimming, jump-roping, etc. Whatever you choose to do, make it a point to do it every day when you go outside. And if it’s an indoor exercise (like a treadmill), do it before you go outside.
8) Make a List of Activities – Brainstorm activities that you’d enjoy doing. Include things to do at home and out with people. Try to generate a list of things that includes others and that gives you some time to yourself. The activities can be a mix of productive (e.g. work-related) activities, and hobbies, and self-care.
9) Schedule Activities – Schedule the activities throughout the week. Try to plan out either one or two weeks ahead of time and actually write the activities into your calendar with specific days and times. Spread them out as much as possible and make sure to stick to the schedule.
10) Daily Necessity Schedule – This schedule is if you’re having trouble getting motivated to do your daily activities — such as eating, cooking, showering, or other household chores. For this, you’re creating a daily home schedule. Choose the specific times you’re going to do each activity every day. It can be as specific as you feel you need: time to get dressed, brush your teeth, start cooking, eating, showering, turning off the tv before bed, and so on. This is to help you get your daily necessities actually functioning on a daily basis.
11) See Family and Friends – This one is more about the people than the activity. Being around other people is often helpful for mood improvement. Schedule specific dates and times with friends and family, outside of the house. The more you can remove yourself from the environment of depression (usually the home and bedroom), the better chance of overcoming it.
12) Psychotherapy – It’s important to keep in mind that the desire to stay inside and and lay around isn’t what causes depression — it is a symptom of depression. Psychotherapy remains a necessary step throughout the process of dealing with depression in order to prevent further episodes, reduce severity, and hopefully be rid of depression altogether. Even if we can resolve some of the motivational issues through pushing ourselves to take behavioral steps, the internal issues that are causing the depression still need to be addressed. Otherwise, when our motivation drops, the depression may return if we don’t have a handle on the underlying issues.
What’s most important to keep in mind is that you’re not going to feel like doing anything discussed above. If you’re going to wait to “feel like it”, then it may not happen. Using opposite action will be the necessary first step to conquering depression — knowing in your mind that it will be good for you to take the steps to move forward, and just doing it. By also engaging in psychotherapy, you’re still able to give appropriate attention to what’s happening inside of you, including if medication therapy may (or may not) also be helpful. You do have the power to increase your motivation and to break out of depression. It may take some effort, but the opportunity is there for you to reclaim your life.
Last reviewed: 28 Jan 2013
APA Reference
Anonymous. (2013). 12-Steps to Creating Motivation When Depressed. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 30, 2013, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships-balance/2013/01/28/12-steps-to-creating-motivation-when-depressed/
30 ene 2013
Las palabras y la música: cerebro
UNED - Las palabras y la música: cerebro - 14/01/13
Aprendemos las palabras a través de su musicalidad. Tres expertos explican cómo se modifica el cerebro con l a música y el lenguaje.Pilar Lago Castro, profesora de CC. de la Educación (UNED); Carmen Antúnez Almagro, Directora de la Unidad de Demencias del Hospital Universitario Virgen de la Arrixaca; Alberto Rábano Gutiérrez del Arroyo, Director del Banco de Tejidos de la Fundación Reina Sofía.
La empleabilidad
UNED - La empleabilidad - 19/01/13
Nos encontramos en un momento en el que las relaciones laborales han cambiado. Nace el concepto de empleabilidad que es encontrarse en sintonía con las demandas laborales actuales.
Laura Mesa López, técnico del COIE;
Óscar Jara Albán, becario (COIE);
Mª Carmen Artuñedo Esteban, becario (COIE).
Reflexiones y propuestas en torno al fracaso y al éxito escolar
El fracaso escolar en el estado de las autonomías. Del fracaso al éxito escolar, es una publicación del Colectivo Lorenzo Luzuriaga, fruto de un seminario en el que han participado especialistas de reconocido prestigio y profesores que trabajan día a día en las aulas de los diferentes niveles del sistema educativo, con el objetivo de clarificar conceptos, impulsar buenas prácticas y la adopción de medidas adecuadas para reducir el fracaso escolar. Un análisis de las causas de los diferentes problemas que subyacen bajo este término, un diagnóstico de la situación y propuestas encaminadas a la mejora de la educación en España.
Manuel de Puelles Benítez, catedrático emérito de Política de la Educación, UNED ;
Aurora Ruiz González, coordinadora del Colectivo Lorenzo Luzuriaga.
Colectivo Lorenzo Luzuriaga:
www.colectivolorenzoluzuriaga.com
Documentos Colectivo Lorenzo Luzuriaga:
http://www.colectivolorenzoluzuriaga.com/Documentos.htm
Intense anxiety is a trap because it muddies the waters of your mind
01/30/2013 by John Smallman
When you are relaxed it is quite easy for you to enter into a quiet and meditative state, but when you are anxious or disturbed and your mind is racing, it is considerably more difficult. And that is when it would be most helpful if you could relax into that peace and stillness. If you are over-stressed, driven by fear or anxiety, go to some place where you can be alone, without interruptions (turn off your phones!), and ask your guides, angels, ascended masters – whoever you are most comfortable calling on – for help.
Keep asking and asking and asking, because when you are very stressed your ego will be extremely persistent in filling your minds with worrying thoughts — thoughts that must be attended to now. This is not the case. If you are over-stressed you cannot think clearly, and to take action in this state of mind is inadvisable at best. To quieten your ego mind, it can be most effective to keep repeating a short prayer or mantra until it stills, and this you can reprise should it start to race again. Intense anxiety, which many on the earth plane frequently experience, is a trap because it stirs up and muddies the waters of your minds, preventing clarity. You know this because you have all experienced it, so it is essential that you establish a quiet place of peace within, to which you can withdraw to still those raging waters.
Many who meditate imagine themselves in a peaceful setting they have personally experienced, or they use an imaginary one from a story they have read and with which they feel comfortable. It does not matter which you choose so long as it is a place with which you resonate and to which you can return in your mind’s eye whenever you choose to do so. Your ego will likely interrupt your peace, by trying to block or disturb that peaceful, visionary place in your mind, by telling you that you are wasting precious time — time that could effectively be used to solve the problem(s) that are causing your state of anxiety. Nothing could be further from the truth! Sitting quietly, peacefully, with your racing mind stilled allows your intuition to come into your awareness. That alone greatly reduces the stress that you are experiencing. And when the mind is stilled your guides can connect with you through your intuition, offering the guidance that is most appropriate in that moment – it could well be “Do nothing right now. You are not ready to make a decision. The situation is not as urgent as it appears.”
If this is the guidance, the intuitive sense, the feeling that you get, then honor it. You are all aware of the damage that can be done when you act in haste. Obviously we are not talking here about any high-speed activities in which you may be engaged, where well-trained reactions that have been carefully rehearsed have to be put into effect instantaneously. When you are feeling stressed you often feel the need to do something now, and apart from the situations just referred to, that is generally not a good idea. If you have not already created a place within to which you can withdraw when your stress levels become excessive, then please do so. You need and deserve an interior place of seclusion and peace, and it is well worth spending time creating one for yourselves, one that really appeals to your senses and entices you inwards.
Having created this space, use it daily. It will help you re-energize the flame of divine Love that burns constantly within you. Fires need air so you need to create a draft for them: the flame of Love within you simply needs your attention, your acknowledgment, so use these to fan your flame and it will blaze up enthusiastically, warming your hearts and strengthening your faith that you are the divine and beloved children of God, forever in His thoughts.
You need the nourishment that your daily visits to your inner space provide. If you neglect or forget to go there regularly you will find your stress levels rising, also your doubts and frustrations. When you find yourselves becoming short-tempered, irritable, exhausted, it is a sure sign that you need to withdraw and restore your vitality, your life energy, and re-arouse the flame of Love that burns constantly within you. It wants to work with you but can only do so when you allow It to — by opening your hearts in acceptance of the now-moment in whatever form it presents itself.
There is only Love. Anything else is a distraction, an illusory temptation to engage egotistically with the world around you. Yes, you are in the world, but you are not of it, so to engage only lovingly will fortify that awareness, shining your Light brightly in the dark places in which you may find yourselves, and bringing solace to those around you. This is your task, your reason for this earthly incarnation, and with the constant intensifying of the divine energy field enveloping the Earth, you have an abundance of Light and Love to share in every situation, in every relationship, in every moment.
You are Love incarnate; do not attempt to dissuade yourselves of this truth. Many of you judge yourselves as too unworthy to even consider that this might be true, but that is just your egos trying to undermine your faith and your knowing by offering you a false sense of humility in which to wrap your doubts. Don’t be fooled; your ego has no wisdom. It employs faulty reasoning to divert you from your path and to persuade you that you are not good enough. Yes, you have all engaged in unloving behavior, but it is the behavior that is not good enough, not you, and you can change your behavior.
The field of divine Love is infiltrating the hearts of all on the planet, arousing awareness of unloving attitudes and behaviors, and of the damage that they cause, and encouraging people to release all that is not in alignment with it. For the most part their responses are positive because they are becoming increasingly aware of the rightness of aligning with Love, and their will to do so is growing ever stronger. These are indeed incredible and wonderful times to be on Earth. Look for the beauty and wonder in every moment, and amaze and delight yourselves as you all chose to be here to participate in humanity’s awakening.
With so very much love, Saul.
For you all to experience the awakening is unavoidable
January 30, 2013 by John Smallman
Humanity’s increasing awareness of its spiritual origin and heritage is allowing a more open view of spirituality to develop. It is sorely needed, and with the vastly intensified spiritual energies that have recently enveloped the planet, it is becoming a subject that is of interest to growing numbers of people. An awareness of and an interest in spirituality is an essential step towards awakening into full consciousness, and the new energies are stimulating such an awareness in many who previously had given no thought to the possibility of life continuing after physical death. When you awaken into your natural fully conscious state, the idea of death will seem quite laughable because there is no such thing, and all sentient beings, all the children of God, know that they are immortal. In the illusion, however, death is an ever-present threat from which you believe you must be protected at all costs, even to the extent of killing others who appear to be threatening you.
Of course, once you lay down your human bodies at physical death, it becomes immediately apparent that you still exist. This can be very confusing for those who have never considered the possibility of an afterlife, or who have dismissed the prospect as laughable. Some refuse to accept their new state and shut themselves off from the Love that waits to embrace them, but deep within them there remains the knowledge that they are divine beings, and in the spiritual realms it is impossible to remain permanently shut down and closed off from the field of Love in which all of creation has its eternal existence. As you have been told repeatedly all will awaken.
Here on Earth, as you play your parts as Light-bearers and wayshowers, the field of divine Love is having ever greater effects on all sentient beings because your Father wants you all to wake up. This period in your spiritual evolution is not a random or chance event, where a momentary surge in the creative energy field that contains all that exists has temporarily engulfed your planet. This energy field is eternally expanding as creation itself expands. There is nothing outside it because it contains all that exists, but – using an analogy to give` you a picture with which you can resonate – Earth, which was in its outer reaches, is effectively being drawn in nearer to its center where its power and strength are less easily ignored. This was planned eons ago and is occurring precisely on schedule to help humanity awaken from the nightmare of separation and abandonment in which it seems to have been enclosed, unaware of anything but this illusory realm of pain, suffering, and finally death.
To awaken is your divine destiny; for you all to awaken is inevitable; and for you all to experience that awakening is unavoidable. The truth of this is reason for constant celebrations and it would behoove you well to recall this information whenever you find yourselves experiencing doubts of any kind about the existence of God and his infinite Love for you all. Within your present arena of experience, with all the problems and worries with which it is constantly presenting you, it is frequently very difficult to focus — let alone remain focused — on this basic truth. You are, as you have so often been told throughout the eons, divine spiritual beings of immense power and wisdom, having a severely restricted educational experience so that you may learn lessons of great significance that you could have learnt in no other way.
When the discomfort, anxiety, uncertainty, or suffering that you are undergoing seems to be overwhelming, go within, ask for help, know that you will receive it, and maintain your faith. Just by restating your intention to be wayshowers and Light-bearers you strengthen your connection to the divine field of Love surrounding and enveloping you, even if you cannot sense it. Deep within yourselves — each and every one of you — you do have the knowledge, you do have the faith, you do have the courage, and you do have the determination that will carry you forwards to your divine destination.
Love is the infinite and eternal field in which all of creation is forever growing and expanding. You are all held lovingly secure within that field in every moment of your immortal existence. Your present unawareness is a very temporary state from which you will awaken. The brilliance of the Light into which you will awaken is indescribable. The Light within each one of you is eternally one with the Light into which you are to awaken. You are divinely loved, cherished, and taken care of in every moment. So relax into that certain knowledge as you move rapidly towards your awakening.
Your loving brother, Jesus.
29 ene 2013
28 ene 2013
Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question, which has an equally disturbing answer. My topic is the secrets of domestic violence, and the question I'm going to tackle is the one question everyone always asks: Why does she stay? Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her? I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker or an expert in domestic violence. I'm just one woman with a story to tell.
I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College. I had moved to New York City for my first job as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine. I had my first apartment, my first little green American Express card, and I had a very big secret. My secret was that I had this gun loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head by the man who I thought was my soulmate, many, many times. The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me more times than I can even remember. I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love, a psychological trap disguised as love, one that millions of women and even a few men fall into every year. It may even be your story.
I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor. I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College, an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School. I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post. I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband and we have three kids together. My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan. (Laughter)
So my first message for you is that domestic violence happens to everyone -- all races, all religions, all income and education levels. It's everywhere. And my second message is that everyone thinks domestic violence happens to women, that it's a women's issue. Not exactly. Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships, in other words, in families, the last place we would want or expect to find violence, which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.
I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth who would stay with a man who beats me, but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age. I was 22, and in the United States, women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely to be domestic violence victims as women of other ages, and over 500 women and girls this age are killed every year by abusive partners, boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.
I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.
I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night. He sat next to me on the New York City subway, and he started chatting me up. He told me two things. One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school, and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank. But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting was that he was smart and funny and he looked like a farm boy. He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks and this wheat-blond hair, and he seemed so sweet.
One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning, was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship. He did this especially at the beginning by idolizing me. We started dating, and he loved everything about me, that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard, that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job. He wanted to know everything about my family and my childhood and my hopes and dreams. Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman, in a way that no one else ever had. And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us by confessing his secret, which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four, he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused by his stepfather, and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade, even though he was very smart, and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life. Which is why that Ivy League degree and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future meant so much to him. If you had told me that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup, how short my skirts were, where I lived, what jobs I took, who my friends were and where I spent Christmas, I would have laughed at you, because there was not a hint of violence or control or anger in Conor at the beginning. I didn't know that the first stage in any domestic violence relationship is to seduce and charm the victim.
I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim. Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce, "You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great, but I need to move into the next phase where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) — "so I need to get you out of this apartment where the neighbors can hear you scream and out of this city where you have friends and family and coworkers who can see the bruises." Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening and he told me that he had quit his job that day, his dream job, and he said that he had quit his job because of me, because I had made him feel so safe and loved that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore, and he just wanted to get out of the city and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family, and move to a tiny town in New England where he could start his life over with me by his side. Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York, and my dream job, but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate, so I agreed, and I quit my job, and Conor and I left Manhattan together. I had no idea I was falling into crazy love, that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid physical, financial and psychological trap.
The next step in the domestic violence pattern is to introduce the threat of violence and see how she reacts. And here's where those guns come in. As soon as we moved to New England -- you know, that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe -- he bought three guns. He kept one in the glove compartment of our car. He kept one under the pillows on our bed, and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times. And he said that he needed those guns because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy. He needed them to feel protected. But those guns were really a message for me, and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me, my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.
Conor first physically attacked me five days before our wedding. It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown. I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment, and I got frustrated, and Conor used my anger as an excuse to put both of his hands around my neck and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream, and he used the chokehold to hit my head repeatedly against the wall. Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded, and I put on my mother's wedding dress, and I married him.
Despite what had happened, I was sure we were going to live happily ever after, because I loved him, and he loved me so much. And he was very, very sorry. He had just been really stressed out by the wedding and by becoming a family with me. It was an isolated incident, and he was never going to hurt me again.
It happened twice more on the honeymoon. The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach and I got lost, and he punched me in the side of my head so hard that the other side of my head repeatedly hit the driver's side window. And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon, he got frustrated by traffic, and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face. Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week for the next two and a half years of our marriage.
I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique and alone in this situation. One in three American women experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life, and the CDC reports that 15 million children are abused every year, 15 million. So actually, I was in very good company.
Back to my question: Why did I stay? The answer is easy. I didn't know he was abusing me. Even though he held those loaded guns to my head, pushed me down stairs, threatened to kill our dog, pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway, poured coffee grinds on my head as I dressed for a job interview, I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man, and I was the only person on Earth who could help Conor face his demons.
The other question everybody asks is, why doesn't she just leave? Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time. To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask, because we victims know something you usually don't: It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser. Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is kill her. Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship, after she's gotten out, because then the abuser has nothing left to lose. Other outcomes include long-term stalking, even after the abuser remarries; denial of financial resources; and manipulation of the family court system to terrify the victim and her children, who are regularly forced by family court judges to spend unsupervised time with the man who beat their mother. And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?
I was able to leave, because of one final, sadistic beating that broke through my denial. I realized that the man who I loved so much was going to kill me if I let him. So I broke the silence. I told everyone: the police, my neighbors, my friends and family, total strangers, and I'm here today because you all helped me.
We tend to stereotype victims as grisly headlines, self-destructive women, damaged goods. The question, "Why does she stay?" is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying," as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying us.
But since publishing "Crazy Love," I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women who also got out, who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened, and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives -- as employees, wives and mothers, lives completely free of violence, like me. Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim and a typical domestic violence survivor. I remarried a kind and gentle man, and we have those three kids. I have that black lab, and I have that minivan. What I will never have again, ever, is a loaded gun held to my head by someone who says that he loves me.
Right now, maybe you're thinking, "Wow, this is fascinating," or, "Wow, how stupid was she," but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you. I promise you there are several people listening to me right now who are currently being abused or who were abused as children or who are abusers themselves. Abuse could be affecting your daughter, your sister, your best friend right now.
I was able to end my own crazy love story by breaking the silence. I'm still breaking the silence today. It's my way of helping other victims, and it's my final request of you. Talk about what you heard here. Abuse thrives only in silence. You have the power to end domestic violence simply by shining a spotlight on it. We victims need everyone. We need every one of you to understand the secrets of domestic violence. Show abuse the light of day by talking about it with your children, your coworkers, your friends and family. Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people with full futures. Recognize the early signs of violence and conscientiously intervene, deescalate it, show victims a safe way out. Together we can make our beds, our dinner tables and our families the safe and peaceful oases they should be.
Thank you.
(Applause)
27 ene 2013
You Light-bearers are filling the world with the fire of divine Love
You Light-bearers are filling the world with the fire of divine Love
01/27/2013 by John Smallman
When you come to terms, as soon you will, with the realization of what an extraordinary energy shift occurred in December last year, affecting Earth and all the life forms she so lovingly supports, you will be truly amazed. It was not a one-off momentary event, but one of enormous power and magnitude that had been planned most carefully, so that over a period of months the crescendo of the divine energy field interacting with Earth would peak in mid-December as the New Age arrived and set humanity off on a new and far more direct path towards Home — one that would short-circuit the old, extremely vague and meandering ones that you had been attempting, with very limited success, to follow for eons.
You have spent far more time in the illusion than you envisaged when you entered it. Yes, you thought that an existence separated from your Father would be both inspiring and freeing, but at the depths of your being you knew that you would never relinquish your grasp on Reality. You would hide Reality from yourselves so that your illusory experience would seem very real, but you would not, indeed could not, actually separate yourselves from It. And you knew that when your games became boring or frightening you could return Home.
However, you did such a good job of building the labyrinth that is the illusion, that you became lost and could not find your way out. There were many possible paths that would lead you out, but you kept becoming discouraged and distracted, and forgetting where you were trying to go. The paths meandered through strange and threatening environments that you had built to add interest and spice to the experience you had chosen to undergo. Great fear and confusion engulfed you and you began to fight with one another more and more ferociously, while in the depths of your hearts you kept calling out to God to rescue you.
He heard your calls, but would not wake you because the vast and shocking difference between your illusory world and Reality, suddenly revealed, would have caused you intense pain. Instead He sent you saints, guides, mystics and teachers who built a far shorter path Home for you and endeavored to lead you along it. Finally, in the last few decades of your 20th century many who had become totally disillusioned with your illusory world began to take note of the wonderful alternatives that were on offer, began to avail themselves of the spiritual assistance that had always been there for the asking, and discovered that there was a much, much shorter way Home than anyone had imagined.
They were you, the Light-bearers and wayshowers, and during this brief moment in time you have achieved mind-boggling results when compared to what little had been achieved in previous millennia. You have lighted the path for humanity to follow, and now that it is so brilliantly lit humanity is indeed on the move! As you have constantly been told, all will return Home, no one will be abandoned because Love neither rejects nor discriminates against, It accepts all.
Some of those who chose to cooperate in the establishment of the illusion are not yet ready to stop playing their insane games there, and so will find themselves able to continue with them in an environment suited to that kind of game-playing for as long as they choose to hide from Love, from Reality.
Love welcomes, Love embraces, It does not impose. The vast majority of humanity wants only to awaken and they will not have to wait until that small and misguided minority finally decides that it is time to change its mind and choose to wake up.
You Light-bearers and wayshowers are filling the world with the fire of divine Love, and only those few who continue determinedly to intend to maintain the ways of the illusion will be unaffected by It. Its influence and warmth is seeping into the hearts of all who do not consciously intend to resist It, and the effects of that infiltration are dissolving the old concepts that favored judgment and punishment over love, compassion, and forgiveness.
Your news media is not bothering to report the good news about the softening and mellowing of hearts, and the growing awareness that all are connected, linked-in, and essential parts of the Whole. As this awareness develops and strengthens the ability of authoritarian forces of any kind to suppress or maintain control of the populace dissolves. You have seen it happen in many countries over the last couple of years. The media focuses on the damage and the suffering that occurs when people rise up and say enough is enough, and, as they are controlled by those who hold the reins of power, they attempt to coerce the populace into obeying the authorities who promise to open a dialogue if they do so. But the time for that kind of meaningless exchange, which only helps the authorities to maintain and stabilize the old order, is over.
Peaceful demonstrations will grow in number as the old order dithers, confused and frightened, as it tries to maintain its position of power and entitlement. It is obvious to even the most unaware that the present state of affairs is untenable. Only those who have ruled, and are continuing to try to do so, are in denial about their inabilities to maintain their positions of power and control.
The New Age has arrived, and the old established order is peacefully (for the most part) crumbling, as the overall support it once enjoyed falls away. New people with new ideas and compassionate hearts are coming forward to replace those who have been running the broken and unworkable systems of government that have caused so much damage – going to war, for instance – in their insane determination to remain in power. They have no power; they never had. But humanity chose to raise individuals up as heroes and leaders and then gave away their power to them.
No longer. It was a mad offering on the part of the misguided to the insane that is now being rescinded. The peoples of the world have realized that no one has the right to control or repress them, and they are no longer willing to submit themselves to the authority of those who have consistently abused the positions of trust that they held.
As the old system collapses there will obviously be some violence as the once powerful attempt to maintain their authority. But those who enforce it for them are also realizing the complete unacceptability of the old ways. They have worries, because they earn their livelihood by serving the system, but the divine energy field is leaving no one unaffected and unable to see the damage that has been, and still is being, caused by authoritarian systems of government, and they mostly no longer wish to be part of the dishonesty and corruption which have enabled them.
Focus on the loving energies that are arising within you. Share them freely, and know that you are ready to release your fears and anxieties as you move forwards to take your places in the cooperative and harmonious world that you are building to replace the one that has so miserably failed you. The new energies are flowing through you powerfully and abundantly, so avail of them by embracing them and learning to use them. They are a divine gift, given to you so that you can reconnect with Yourselves, recognize who You really are, and open into the perpetual joy and wonder of that divine state.
With so very much love, Saul.
To be fully conscious means that you never act unconsciously
January 27, 2013 by John Smallman
The major energy shift that occurred in December requires each one of you to make adjustments in your individual energy fields, so that they can engage fully with the divine energy field encircling and embracing you and the planet, and unless you have made an extremely conscious intent not to allow change to occur, this will happen automatically. As your energy fields adjust, you can expect to experience some strange sensations and mood swings. This is normal. You are going through a gradual process of raising your frequency to a level at which it can align and interact with that of the divine energy field, and it is these adjustments that you are feeling. These sensations are a very good sign. They indicate that you are furthering your preparations to move into a fully conscious and fully awakened state.
Many of you have commented on the sensations that you are undergoing, some of which are not very pleasant. It is basically a facing-up-to and a releasing of any unloving aspects of yourselves that have been dwelling within you well below the level of your conscious awareness. It is likely that, from time to time, they have taken control of you when you reacted to a situation, seemingly driven uncontrollably by powerful emotions that just arose with unaccustomed, unexpected, and possibly inappropriate ferocity. And afterwards you may well have wondered what on earth had happened. You were well aware that you had been upset, but your reaction was way beyond normal or reasonable; it was as though a demon had pushed you aside and taken control. In your fully conscious state that cannot happen, because to be fully conscious means that you never act or behave unconsciously. And in your previously almost unconscious state you might not even have noticed that something untoward was occurring because it would have appeared to be normal. Now “normal” is no longer acceptable to you, and that is a sign of enormous progress. Congratulations!
Releasing all these hidden “demons” is a little like installing a new operating system on your computer. It takes time and concentration, and involves a load of new learning to enable you to restore your competence and efficiency. Or you could compare it to ironing sheets or tablecloths that have emerged from the laundry and that cannot be used until all the wrinkles have been smoothed away. You are effectively removing all your blocks and denials by replacing or upgrading your OS, or smoothing away all the inconsistencies in your attitudes and behaviors. As this process continues you will find that your awareness of your ego’s attempts to control you and run your lives will be much more apparent to you. You will be far less likely to react rapidly and thoughtlessly, and consequently, repenting at leisure will take up less of your time. Be glad that all this stuff is arising in your awareness, because when you have awareness you have all the tools you need to deal with any situation that comes up.
Of course you lose the ability to displace the blame for any unloving behavior, because in the moment you will be quite aware of what is happening, instead of momentarily “losing consciousness” as emotions fire up and take temporary control of you. You now have the power to stop yourselves before you react, and that can be scary because you can foresee the consequences before you act or react. You know that you are responsible for your words and actions – as there are no demons driving you – and you are conscious of making the decision for or against engaging. To engage is tempting, and you have the time to make a decision, whereas previously, engagement just happened. You have to be aware in order to be tempted. And so, being aware, you can decide to resist strongly and effectively, or you can decide to succumb. If you give in, you may experience a momentary sense of freedom or exhilaration, but that will quickly be replaced by an intense sense of failure.
With these new energies flowing so abundantly, the learning-period for releasing undesirable aspects of your egoic selves is going to be very short. Feedback from your environment for thoughts, words, or actions will be very swift, as some of you have probably already discovered. The up-side is that you will not find yourselves endlessly repeating lessons – lessons that were perhaps incomprehensible before your awareness started coming to life – because they are quickly learnt in this new energy environment, and therefore you will no longer be besieged by unpleasant and uncalled-for experiences that ruin your day.
Previously, before the new energies started flowing so freely and abundantly, many just drifted through life wondering why it treated them so badly. Now it becomes quickly apparent to you why you are having a bad day, and you can make the necessary changes to your thought patterns and behaviors which will allow you to avoid situations that repeatedly end up spoiling it. You are your own masters – which is something you had forgotten. That is how you were created, and you are now rediscovering that and availing of the power it gives you. Knowledge is power, and your knowledge is growing as your awareness opens up, and so therefore is your power. Use it abundantly, lovingly, and wisely, and experience the new age into which you have moved.
Your loving brother, Jesus.
The major energy shift that occurred in December requires each one of you to make adjustments in your individual energy fields, so that they can engage fully with the divine energy field encircling and embracing you and the planet, and unless you have made an extremely conscious intent not to allow change to occur, this will happen automatically. As your energy fields adjust, you can expect to experience some strange sensations and mood swings. This is normal. You are going through a gradual process of raising your frequency to a level at which it can align and interact with that of the divine energy field, and it is these adjustments that you are feeling. These sensations are a very good sign. They indicate that you are furthering your preparations to move into a fully conscious and fully awakened state.
Many of you have commented on the sensations that you are undergoing, some of which are not very pleasant. It is basically a facing-up-to and a releasing of any unloving aspects of yourselves that have been dwelling within you well below the level of your conscious awareness. It is likely that, from time to time, they have taken control of you when you reacted to a situation, seemingly driven uncontrollably by powerful emotions that just arose with unaccustomed, unexpected, and possibly inappropriate ferocity. And afterwards you may well have wondered what on earth had happened. You were well aware that you had been upset, but your reaction was way beyond normal or reasonable; it was as though a demon had pushed you aside and taken control. In your fully conscious state that cannot happen, because to be fully conscious means that you never act or behave unconsciously. And in your previously almost unconscious state you might not even have noticed that something untoward was occurring because it would have appeared to be normal. Now “normal” is no longer acceptable to you, and that is a sign of enormous progress. Congratulations!
Releasing all these hidden “demons” is a little like installing a new operating system on your computer. It takes time and concentration, and involves a load of new learning to enable you to restore your competence and efficiency. Or you could compare it to ironing sheets or tablecloths that have emerged from the laundry and that cannot be used until all the wrinkles have been smoothed away. You are effectively removing all your blocks and denials by replacing or upgrading your OS, or smoothing away all the inconsistencies in your attitudes and behaviors. As this process continues you will find that your awareness of your ego’s attempts to control you and run your lives will be much more apparent to you. You will be far less likely to react rapidly and thoughtlessly, and consequently, repenting at leisure will take up less of your time. Be glad that all this stuff is arising in your awareness, because when you have awareness you have all the tools you need to deal with any situation that comes up.
Of course you lose the ability to displace the blame for any unloving behavior, because in the moment you will be quite aware of what is happening, instead of momentarily “losing consciousness” as emotions fire up and take temporary control of you. You now have the power to stop yourselves before you react, and that can be scary because you can foresee the consequences before you act or react. You know that you are responsible for your words and actions – as there are no demons driving you – and you are conscious of making the decision for or against engaging. To engage is tempting, and you have the time to make a decision, whereas previously, engagement just happened. You have to be aware in order to be tempted. And so, being aware, you can decide to resist strongly and effectively, or you can decide to succumb. If you give in, you may experience a momentary sense of freedom or exhilaration, but that will quickly be replaced by an intense sense of failure.
With these new energies flowing so abundantly, the learning-period for releasing undesirable aspects of your egoic selves is going to be very short. Feedback from your environment for thoughts, words, or actions will be very swift, as some of you have probably already discovered. The up-side is that you will not find yourselves endlessly repeating lessons – lessons that were perhaps incomprehensible before your awareness started coming to life – because they are quickly learnt in this new energy environment, and therefore you will no longer be besieged by unpleasant and uncalled-for experiences that ruin your day.
Previously, before the new energies started flowing so freely and abundantly, many just drifted through life wondering why it treated them so badly. Now it becomes quickly apparent to you why you are having a bad day, and you can make the necessary changes to your thought patterns and behaviors which will allow you to avoid situations that repeatedly end up spoiling it. You are your own masters – which is something you had forgotten. That is how you were created, and you are now rediscovering that and availing of the power it gives you. Knowledge is power, and your knowledge is growing as your awareness opens up, and so therefore is your power. Use it abundantly, lovingly, and wisely, and experience the new age into which you have moved.
Your loving brother, Jesus.
25 ene 2013
Chillout Ambient - Mix 5
01 Y-Traxx - Mystery Land (Moonwatcher Remix)
02 Lange - Frozen Beach
03 Sunlounger -- A Balearic Dinner (Chill Mix)
04 DJ Shah - Balearic Feeling (Chillout Mix)
05 Max Melvin - Sometimes
06 Deeper Sublime &; Krapan - La Musica Sei Tu
07 Airbase - Lucid (Kopi Luwak Smooth Chill Remix)
08 Rank 1 - Airwave (Sunset Chill Mix)
09 Armin van Buuren [TranceOnly.ru] - Sail (W&D Chill Out Remix)
10 Alexsandro Da Silva - Dacota Sunlight (Far Away Mix)
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02 Lange - Frozen Beach
03 Sunlounger -- A Balearic Dinner (Chill Mix)
04 DJ Shah - Balearic Feeling (Chillout Mix)
05 Max Melvin - Sometimes
06 Deeper Sublime &; Krapan - La Musica Sei Tu
07 Airbase - Lucid (Kopi Luwak Smooth Chill Remix)
08 Rank 1 - Airwave (Sunset Chill Mix)
09 Armin van Buuren [TranceOnly.ru] - Sail (W&D Chill Out Remix)
10 Alexsandro Da Silva - Dacota Sunlight (Far Away Mix)
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El Perdón
Me han gustado muchísimo las palabras de Jorge Lomar, sólo añadir lo que ha escrito recientemente John Smallman sobre este tema en su foro:
" Forgiveness is a letting go of ANY charge — judgment, anger, resentment, desire for restitution — we may have that keeps us mindful and upset about an offense we believe has been committed against ourselves, our loved ones, our nation, the planet, or even against God.
To hold a charge fills us with a strong egoic need to see the perpetrator(s) forced to pay for their actions. That has been humanity’s way for eons, and it is very apparent that it does not work, as we still continue to fight and judge one another, endlessly.
Forgiveness is recognizing that those who hurt others in any fashion are in severe emotional pain (even if it is denied, as it mostly is), and are crying out for recognition, acceptance, and love. And that is what we need to offer them. NOT by telling them we have forgiven them, but by being there to listen compassionately while behaving lovingly and acceptingly.
I think that we should only tell someone we are forgiving them if they ask for forgiveness, and then we need to make it absolutely clear that we hold no grudge or resentment against them, and that our only desire is that they be healed of the pain and suffering that is motivating them to act out."
http://johnsmallman2.wordpress.com/2013/01/20/when-you-change-your-thought-patterns-you-change-your-life-experiences/#comments
Muy aclarador lo que escribe Liz Cronkhite sobre la culpabilidad:
Question: When ACIM talks about guilt is it talking about guilt for things I've done or is it talking about guilt for separating from God or both?
Answer: In a practical sense both, not because they are the same, but because the personal thought system (ego) blends them.
In the world there are laws and moral codes that are set up for the civilized functioning of society. These laws and codes vary from culture to culture and over time. When you are a child adults are supposed to teach you the laws and codes of your culture and instill in you a social conscience that is bothered when you violate them. When you do violate them you make amends or "pay your debt to society". In theory your conscience could be wiped clean. But the personal thought system in your mind will never allow you to have a clear conscience because it requires guilt to maintain itself in your mind.
Your mind's natural state is limitlessness. In your identification with a personal self it is limited. So you are uncomfortable. You feel that something is "wrong". All that is occurring is a mis-identification. It is only a mistake. And a mistake can be easily corrected. But to defend itself as your reality, the personal thought system needs you to believe that something real, not just a mistake, occurred. The personal thought system whispers in your subconscious that the feeling of "wrong" that you experience in your identification with it is "you have done something wrong". Since the personal experience is the opposite of Truth (God) in every way you are guilty of attacking, separating from, or killing Truth.
So unconscious guilt is the personal thought system's way of maintaining your belief in it. Your guilt is the "proof" that you have attacked Truth and that the personal self is real. You won't look inward, where you would find Truth, because you think that if you look within you will find out what a horrible "sinner" you really are. Further, you don't want to find Truth anyway because you think that It wants to get retribution on you for your attack on It.
So there is no personal thought system in your mind without guilt to defend it. And there is no guilt in your mind without the personal thought system to cause it. This is why you can only release your mind from guilt by releasing yourself from identifying with a personal thought system.
The idea that you have attacked Truth is not something that the personal thought system says to you directly. It is important to it that this idea stay buried in your subconscious so you won't question it and undo it. One of its ways of dealing with your discomfort is to have you project away guilt and see it in others instead of in yourself. Of course, this does not really release you from the belief that guilt is real. It's actually a way of keeping the belief in guilt in your subconscious. And if you see guilt as real anywhere, you believe that guilt is real in you.
But feelings of guilt are bound to rise to the surface anyway, especially since they are heavily reinforced by the world. So the personal thought system projects the source of guilt onto the personal self's mistakes, imperfections, and limitations. This blending of social conscience and the personal self's inevitable mistakes with the inherent guilt of the personal thought system serves three purposes: as something to which to point as the source of your guilt, as a way to spiritualize the personal self by giving its behavior spiritual significance, and to reinforce your fear of punishment from Truth.
So the way out of guilt is to question it when it comes up. Sort out what is social conscience and what is guilt. If you feel guilt, is it justified? Is Truth changed by the personal self's imperfections and mistakes? This is impossible. Remind yourself that only the Truth in you is true. It is eternal, unchanging, and unchangeable. The personal identity is just a passing, imperfect, mistaken thought. It does not affect the Truth in you in any way.
You will know that you are undoing (forgiving) the guilt in your mind when you find that you can accept your mistakes and the mistakes of others as simply part of the limited, imperfect, and passing human experience. When you behave imperfectly you apologize, make correction or amends, and you let go of the situation. And when others make an apology, correction, or amends you accept it and let go of the situation. In fact, you will realize that no apology, correction, or amends was really required because nothing real has occurred. The Truth is untouched by anything that seems to happen in the world. So guilt is not real.
If you have a question the answer to which you think will be helpful to others send it to Liz@acimmentor and indicate that you want it answered in the ACIM Mentor/4HIP newsletter/blog.
24 ene 2013
Los tres príncipes de Serendip
El discípulo miró al maestro en la profundidad de la tarde.
- "Maestro, ¿es bueno para el sabio demostrar su inteligencia?"
- "A veces puede ser bueno y honorable permitir que los hombres te rindan honores."
- “¿Sólo a veces?”
- “Otras puede acarrearle al sabio multitud de desgracias. Eso es lo que les sucedió a los tres Príncipes de Serendip, que utilizaron distraídamente su inteligencia. Habían sido educados por su padre, que era arquitecto del gran Shá de Persia, con los mejores profesores, y ahora se encaminaban en un viaje hacia la India para servir al Gran Mogol, del que habían oído su gran aprecio por el Islam y la sabiduría. Sin embargo, tuvieron un percance en su camino.”
- “¿Qué les pasó?”
- “Una tarde como esta, caminaban rumbo a la ciudad de Kandahar, cuando uno de ellos afirmó al ver unas huellas en el camino: “Por aquí ha pasado un camello tuerto del ojo derecho".
- “¿Cómo pudo adivinar semejante cosa con tanta exactitud?”
- “Había observado que la hierba de la parte derecha del camino, la que daba al río, y por tanto la más atractiva, estaba intacta, mientras la de la parte izquierda, la que daba al monte y estaba más seca, estaba consumida. El camello no veía la hierba del río.”
- “¿Y los otros príncipes?”
- “El segundo, que era más sabio, dijo: “le falta un diente al camello.”
- “¿Cómo podía saberlo?”
- “La hierba arrancada mostraba pequeñas cantidades masticadas y abandonadas.”
- “¿Y el tercero?”
- “Era mucho más joven, pero aun más perspicaz, y, como es natural, en los hijos pequeños, más radical, al estar menos seguro de sí mismo. Dijo: “el camello está cojo de una de las dos patas de atrás. La izquierda, seguro"
- “¿Cómo lo sabía?”
- “Las huellas eran más débiles en este lado.”
- “¿Y ahí acabaron las averiguaciones?”
- “No. El mayor, picado en esta competencia, afirmó: “por mi puesto de Arquitecto Mayor del Reino que este camello llevaba una carga de mantequilla y miel.”
- “Pero, eso es imposible de adivinar.”
- “Se había fijado en que en un borde del camino había un grupo de hormigas que comía en un lado, y en el otro se había concentrado un verdadero enjambre de abejas, moscas y avispas.”
- “Se trata de un difícil reto para los otros dos hermanos.”
- “El segundo hermano bajó de su montura y avanzó unos pasos. Era el más mujeriego del grupo por lo que no es extraño que afirmara: "En el camello iba montada una mujer". Y se puso rojo de excitación al pensar en el pequeño y grácil cuerpo de la joven, porque hacía días que habían salido de la ciudad de Djem y no habían visto ninguna mujer aún.”
- “¿Cómo pudo saberlo?”
- “Se había fijado en unas pequeñas huellas de pies sobre el barro del costado del río.”
- “¿Por qué había bajado? ¿Tenía sed?”
- “El tercer hermano, absolutamente herido en su orgullo de adolescente por la inteligencia de los dos mayores, afirmó: "Es una mujer que se encuentra embarazada, hermano. Tendrás que esperar un tiempo para cumplir tus deseos".
- “Eso es aún más difícil de saber.”
- “Se había percatado que en un lado de la pendiente había orinado pero se había tenido que apoyar con sus dos manos porque le pesaba el cuerpo al agacharse.”
- “Los tres hermanos eran muy listos.”
- “Sin embargo, su sabiduría les trajo muchas desgracias.”
- “¿Por qué?”
- “Por su soberbia de jóvenes. Al acercarse a la ciudad, contemplaron un mercader que gritaba enloquecido. Había desaparecido uno de sus camellos y una de sus mujeres. Aunque estaba más triste por la pérdida de la carga que llevaba su animal, y echaba la culpa a su joven esposa que también había desaparecido.”
- “¿Era tuerto tu camello del ojo derecho?”, le dijo el hermano mayor.
- “Sí”, le dijo el mercader intrigado.
- “¿Le faltaba algún diente?”
- “Era un poco viejo”, dijo rezongando, “ y se había peleado con un camello más joven.”
- “¿Estaba cojo de la pata izquierda trasera?”
- “Creo que sí, se le había clavado la punta de una estaca.”
- “Llevaba una carga de miel y mantequilla.”
- “Una preciosa carga, sí.”
- “Y una mujer.”
- “Muy descuidada por cierto, mi esposa.”
- “Qué estaba embarazada.”
- “Por eso se retrasaba continuamente con sus cosas. Y yo, pobre de mí, la dejé atrás un momento. ¿Dónde los habéis visto?”
- “No hemos visto jamás a tu camello ni a tu mujer”, buen hombre, le dijeron los tres príncipes riéndose alegremente.
El discípulo también rió.
- “Eran muy sabios.”
- “Sí, pero el buen mercader estaba muy irritado. Cuando los vecinos del mercado le dijeron que habían visto tres salteadores tras su camello y su mujer, los denunció.”
- “¡Pero, ellos tenían razón!”
- “Los perdió su soberbia juvenil. Habían señalado todas esas características del camello con tanta exactitud que ninguno les creyó cuando afirmaron no haber visto jamás al camello. Y se habían reído del mercader, había muchos testigos. Fueron llevados a la cárcel y condenados a muerte ya que en Kandahar el robo de camellos es el peor delito, más que el rapto de esposas.”
- “¡Qué triste destino para los sabios!”
- “La cosa no acabó tan mal. La esposa se había escapado, y pudo llegar antes de que los desventaran en la plaza pública, como era costumbre para castigar a los ladrones de camellos. El poderoso Emir de Kandahar se divirtió bastante con la historia y nombró ministros a los tres príncipes. Por cierto, que el segundo hermano se casó con la muchacha, que estaba bastante harta del mercader.”
- “La sabiduría tiene su premio.”
- “La casualidad los salvó y aprendieron a ser mucho más prudentes a la hora de manifestar su inteligencia ante los demás.”
http://cuentosqueyocuento.blogspot.com.es/2007/10/los-tres-prncipes-de-serendip.html
- "Maestro, ¿es bueno para el sabio demostrar su inteligencia?"
- "A veces puede ser bueno y honorable permitir que los hombres te rindan honores."
- “¿Sólo a veces?”
- “Otras puede acarrearle al sabio multitud de desgracias. Eso es lo que les sucedió a los tres Príncipes de Serendip, que utilizaron distraídamente su inteligencia. Habían sido educados por su padre, que era arquitecto del gran Shá de Persia, con los mejores profesores, y ahora se encaminaban en un viaje hacia la India para servir al Gran Mogol, del que habían oído su gran aprecio por el Islam y la sabiduría. Sin embargo, tuvieron un percance en su camino.”
- “¿Qué les pasó?”
- “Una tarde como esta, caminaban rumbo a la ciudad de Kandahar, cuando uno de ellos afirmó al ver unas huellas en el camino: “Por aquí ha pasado un camello tuerto del ojo derecho".
- “¿Cómo pudo adivinar semejante cosa con tanta exactitud?”
- “Había observado que la hierba de la parte derecha del camino, la que daba al río, y por tanto la más atractiva, estaba intacta, mientras la de la parte izquierda, la que daba al monte y estaba más seca, estaba consumida. El camello no veía la hierba del río.”
- “¿Y los otros príncipes?”
- “El segundo, que era más sabio, dijo: “le falta un diente al camello.”
- “¿Cómo podía saberlo?”
- “La hierba arrancada mostraba pequeñas cantidades masticadas y abandonadas.”
- “¿Y el tercero?”
- “Era mucho más joven, pero aun más perspicaz, y, como es natural, en los hijos pequeños, más radical, al estar menos seguro de sí mismo. Dijo: “el camello está cojo de una de las dos patas de atrás. La izquierda, seguro"
- “¿Cómo lo sabía?”
- “Las huellas eran más débiles en este lado.”
- “¿Y ahí acabaron las averiguaciones?”
- “No. El mayor, picado en esta competencia, afirmó: “por mi puesto de Arquitecto Mayor del Reino que este camello llevaba una carga de mantequilla y miel.”
- “Pero, eso es imposible de adivinar.”
- “Se había fijado en que en un borde del camino había un grupo de hormigas que comía en un lado, y en el otro se había concentrado un verdadero enjambre de abejas, moscas y avispas.”
- “Se trata de un difícil reto para los otros dos hermanos.”
- “El segundo hermano bajó de su montura y avanzó unos pasos. Era el más mujeriego del grupo por lo que no es extraño que afirmara: "En el camello iba montada una mujer". Y se puso rojo de excitación al pensar en el pequeño y grácil cuerpo de la joven, porque hacía días que habían salido de la ciudad de Djem y no habían visto ninguna mujer aún.”
- “¿Cómo pudo saberlo?”
- “Se había fijado en unas pequeñas huellas de pies sobre el barro del costado del río.”
- “¿Por qué había bajado? ¿Tenía sed?”
- “El tercer hermano, absolutamente herido en su orgullo de adolescente por la inteligencia de los dos mayores, afirmó: "Es una mujer que se encuentra embarazada, hermano. Tendrás que esperar un tiempo para cumplir tus deseos".
- “Eso es aún más difícil de saber.”
- “Se había percatado que en un lado de la pendiente había orinado pero se había tenido que apoyar con sus dos manos porque le pesaba el cuerpo al agacharse.”
- “Los tres hermanos eran muy listos.”
- “Sin embargo, su sabiduría les trajo muchas desgracias.”
- “¿Por qué?”
- “Por su soberbia de jóvenes. Al acercarse a la ciudad, contemplaron un mercader que gritaba enloquecido. Había desaparecido uno de sus camellos y una de sus mujeres. Aunque estaba más triste por la pérdida de la carga que llevaba su animal, y echaba la culpa a su joven esposa que también había desaparecido.”
- “¿Era tuerto tu camello del ojo derecho?”, le dijo el hermano mayor.
- “Sí”, le dijo el mercader intrigado.
- “¿Le faltaba algún diente?”
- “Era un poco viejo”, dijo rezongando, “ y se había peleado con un camello más joven.”
- “¿Estaba cojo de la pata izquierda trasera?”
- “Creo que sí, se le había clavado la punta de una estaca.”
- “Llevaba una carga de miel y mantequilla.”
- “Una preciosa carga, sí.”
- “Y una mujer.”
- “Muy descuidada por cierto, mi esposa.”
- “Qué estaba embarazada.”
- “Por eso se retrasaba continuamente con sus cosas. Y yo, pobre de mí, la dejé atrás un momento. ¿Dónde los habéis visto?”
- “No hemos visto jamás a tu camello ni a tu mujer”, buen hombre, le dijeron los tres príncipes riéndose alegremente.
El discípulo también rió.
- “Eran muy sabios.”
- “Sí, pero el buen mercader estaba muy irritado. Cuando los vecinos del mercado le dijeron que habían visto tres salteadores tras su camello y su mujer, los denunció.”
- “¡Pero, ellos tenían razón!”
- “Los perdió su soberbia juvenil. Habían señalado todas esas características del camello con tanta exactitud que ninguno les creyó cuando afirmaron no haber visto jamás al camello. Y se habían reído del mercader, había muchos testigos. Fueron llevados a la cárcel y condenados a muerte ya que en Kandahar el robo de camellos es el peor delito, más que el rapto de esposas.”
- “¡Qué triste destino para los sabios!”
- “La cosa no acabó tan mal. La esposa se había escapado, y pudo llegar antes de que los desventaran en la plaza pública, como era costumbre para castigar a los ladrones de camellos. El poderoso Emir de Kandahar se divirtió bastante con la historia y nombró ministros a los tres príncipes. Por cierto, que el segundo hermano se casó con la muchacha, que estaba bastante harta del mercader.”
- “La sabiduría tiene su premio.”
- “La casualidad los salvó y aprendieron a ser mucho más prudentes a la hora de manifestar su inteligencia ante los demás.”
http://cuentosqueyocuento.blogspot.com.es/2007/10/los-tres-prncipes-de-serendip.html
Your doubts and anxieties are without foundation
01/23/2013 by John Smallman
With the growth and intensification of the new energies enveloping you all, your path to awakening is becoming both brighter and clearer. The need to share and expand the Love within you, your eternal and unbreakable divine connection, is bringing to your attention the blocks or barriers to It that you installed out of fear eons ago, and which you are now realizing are preventing you from living life fully and joyfully.
You thought they were essential defenses against a cruel and threatening world filled with potential enemies, when in fact they are cages or prisons which you built and into which you retreated in fear after you had imagined into being a state of separation from your Father. Separation from Him is impossible, but because of the power of your enormous inventive capabilities you were able to build an imaginary environment in which to hide from the supposed anger that you believed was your Father’s response to your attempt to separate yourselves from Him and live unencumbered by the law of divine Love.
Fear is the absence of Love. It is at best unsettling, and at worst utterly terrifying, and you have all had experiences of extreme terror during the eons you have spent shutting yourselves off from your Father’s loving embrace. Life without God is impossible because He is all that exists, and you are all, therefore, inseparable parts of Him. The knowledge of that divine truth is held within you, permanently, but you have for eons refused to acknowledge it.
You are now in the process of returning to the divine fold by allowing that knowledge to rise up into your awareness. At first it is an unbelievable concept because you have become so conditioned to seeing and experiencing yourselves as small and insubstantial beings in a vast and uncaring universe, living short and increasingly painful lives which lead to sickness and death, a permanent state of non-being after which, for the most part, you will be completely forgotten. It will in fact be as though you had never existed. That is life without Love, and it is a terrifying prospect. It is no wonder that talk of death, let alone acceptance of its inevitability, is a bit of a conversation stopper.
What you are engaged in is like the allegorical story of the prodigal son who demanded his inheritance from his father and set off to explore the world outside his father’s loving domain. That experience became increasingly unsatisfactory, bringing him great suffering, and finally despair. He wanted to return home but believed that he had cut all his ties, that his father’s love for him had died, and that consequently he would, with complete justification, refuse to recognize him let alone allow him to return home. Eventually, in desperation, he decided to take a chance, return home, and throw himself on his father’s mercy in total and abject surrender.
What happened as he approached his home? His father saw him coming and rushed to greet and embrace him. You are all in the process of making that journey home, and when your Father sees you approaching He too will rush to greet and embrace you. It will quickly be as though you had never left, which of course you hadn’t.
But most of you still dread that approaching encounter, and your earthly experiences, complete with your cultural and religious indoctrinations, encourage a belief that when you meet your maker there will be a harsh judgment during which the multitude of sins that you have committed will be shamefully re-experienced in all their wickedness. That will be followed by an appropriate period of intense pain and suffering in reparation, before access to the heavenly realms is finally granted, probably quite reluctantly. And when you do enter it will be at best as second-class citizens. Not a very uplifting prospect, which is why so many, brought up with those kinds of beliefs, reject out of hand all forms of religion, and include the possibility of a personal spirituality in that act of rejection.
However, closing yourself off from all that is spiritual is effectively shutting yourself off from yourself. It is a state of denial that leads to bitterness and cynicism, and encourages a dog-eat-dog attitude to life in which it is everyone for themselves, fueling the belief that in this world of scarcity he who dies with the most toys wins. And that has been what many of you have experienced in numerous previous life times.
The new energies are breaking through that mind-set, connecting with your hearts, and helping to dissolve the massive tangle of fears and anxieties that have been wearing you down through countless human incarnations. Most of you are feeling these energies, but have doubts about their reality, and because doubt has become so ingrained within you, you are finding it very difficult to release them.
My message to you is this: “Your doubts and anxieties are without foundation. Your Father lovingly awaits your return and longs to embrace you once more. Go within, allow those energies to make their presence felt, and relax into the loving warmth that they offer, knowing that you are indeed going to awaken into unimaginable joy.”
With so very much love, Saul.
The effect of your collective loving intent is massive
January 23, 2013 by John Smallman
Here in the spiritual realms we are observing you joyfully as the new energies enveloping the planet spread and intensify through the hearts of humanity. A great blaze of Light is shining forth into the heavens as these energies interact positively and lovingly with all you dear ones on Earth, and as you continue to hold and intend to share your Light unconditionally and indiscriminately to assist, tenderly and compassionately, with the awakening of all your sleeping brothers and sisters. The effect of your collective loving intent is massive and inescapable. Love is gently and irresistibly inserting and establishing Itself within the hearts of all on the planet, dissolving resentment, anger, fear, and mistrust so that the attitudes and behaviors associated with them are released, thus allowing the New Age of peace, harmony, and abundance to emerge fully and embrace you all.
It is an energy of immense power with which God has embraced humanity and the lovely planet that supports you. Its purpose is to raise your consciousness to new levels of awareness so that the reality that all are one, that there is no separation, moves forward from being just an interesting but little-understood fact — recognized mainly by modern physics and to a lesser extent by modern philosophers — into the mainstream of general knowledge. As this happens it will become more and more difficult for people to treat one another in ways that are not in alignment with Love. For many of you, that will seem to be a state of awareness that is beyond the bounds of possibility, in fact quite unattainable, as you look around at the violence flowing freely in nearly every corner of the world and see self-righteousness, anger, defensiveness, and fear seeming to drive people, often well-meaning people of honesty and integrity, into what appear to be unavoidable and fully justified conflict.
The reason that it seems to be so far beyond what is possible is because you have all, over many life times, engaged as perpetrators or victims in what is seen as an ongoing violence that appears to be an essential aspect of being human – e.g. Darwin’s theory of the survival of the fittest, which has now all but been disproved. It is natural, therefore, to expect violence, to be prepared for violence, and to have the forces at your disposal to defend yourselves against attack, or even to preemptively crush those who might be thinking of attacking you in the future. Many of you are aware of the insanity of this way of thinking, but because so many do think in this manner it seems to the majority that violence and war are, and always will be inevitable. And your “defense” industries prove that this line of reasoning is endemic.
The new energies are already undermining the confidence with which so many hold that dangerous set of beliefs, and they will continue to do so as the divine Love field enveloping the planet continues to exert its influence gently, powerfully and irresistibly on all sentient life forms. Yes, the animal kingdom is also undergoing a vast change in consciousness because the Love field does not discriminate, but spreads its influence everywhere in order to bring to your planet the peace and harmony that in your hearts you have been seeking for a very long time.
Your desire for a beautiful world where all forms of life have their place — a place in which they can live, grow, and evolve spiritually as divinely intended — has intensified over the last few thousand years of earth time. As a result of that intent the momentum was established that would enable you to integrate and meld with the divine field of Love which has been waiting for this moment. Your engagement with it was always divinely planned, and as of the end of last year, 2012, its energy has been flowing and pulsating with an intensity that you can hardly imagine. Some of you are feeling it quite strongly, and all on earth are being heavily influenced by it.
Attitudes are changing and will continue to change all across the world because the power of God’s field of divine Love is responding to your ongoing calls for His help in bringing in the new Golden Age of which many have dreamed and which many others have prophesied. You are on your way and nothing can stop you. Your spiritual evolution has reached a point at which it becomes apparent to you that it is the only way forward, and you are reaching out and taking a firm grasp on it. You are approaching “lift off!’ Your Father and all in the spiritual realms are cheering you on, and your success cannot be prevented.
Your loving brother Jesus.
23 ene 2013
Eating Disorders in Males: Clinical Characteristics and Treatment
Eating Disorders in Males: Clinical Characteristics and Treatment
Males conservatively make up approximately 10% of anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa patients (bulimia nervosa is the more common disorder). The typical age range at presentation is adolescence to young adulthood.1 However, for binge eating disorder, rates for males are comparable to those for females, and at presentation, patients are typically adults. Binge eating disorder is often associated with obesity and the medical consequences of weight gain.2
High-risk groups
The cause of eating disorders is multifactorial and typically manifests as idealizing dieting and weight loss. However, there are characteristics that are predictive of high risk for eating disorders in males.
Exercise and athletic competition, especially sports that require low body fat or extremes of weight loss, represent risks for disordered eating. A Norwegian study of elite athletes found that the rates of eating disorders in males were twice those of the general male population. For males who participate in antigravitation sports, such as high-jumping and pole-vaulting, the rates are particularly increased.3 The risk of eating disorders among triathletes also seems to be increased, as determined by increased scores on tests for abnormal eating.4 At least one study in male cyclists found that perfectionism may predict an increased likelihood of disordered eating.5
Not only are rates of eating disorder diagnoses higher in homosexual men than in heterosexual men, but also scores on ratings of eating psychopathology and body image concerns, media influence, and body image–related anxiety are higher.6,7 Evidence suggests that younger, heavier gay men are at increased risk for eating disorders.8 Sexual identity disorders may also increase the risk of eating disorders.9,10 In addition, gay males experience higher levels of peer pressure to maintain a particular body type than do straight males, and higher levels of body dissatisfaction may account for higher levels of disordered eating.11
Males who present for treatment are much more likely than females to have been subjected to weight-based victimization and to have a history of being overweight.12 Other factors that may increase the risk of an eating disorder in males include alcoholism and physical abuse.13-16
Comorbidity
In patients with eating disorders, there are high rates of chemical dependency, depression, and anxiety disorders. A large Canadian study of a nonclinical sample found that women who scored high on an eating disorder self-report measure were about 3 times as likely to have a comorbid substance use disorder, while men were about 2 times as likely.17,18 Both males and females often use drugs of abuse that have appetite suppressant characteristics. Typically, this involves the use of cocaine or other illicit and prescription stimulants to reduce appetite and facilitate restrictive eating.19 Compared with the general population, men with eating disorders have been found to be 4.6 times more likely to suffer from an anxiety disorder, and women, 4.2 times more likely.18
(MORE: Neuropsychiatric Differences Between Boys and Girls With ADHD)
Body image
Not surprisingly, evidence indicates that men are as concerned about body image as women.19 However, unlike women whose preferred body image is thin, men’s preferred body image is muscular. Factors that contribute to an abnormal desired, or “idealized,” body and body image distortion in males include the media, cultural changes leading to unrealistic expectation of body image and muscularity, and body building.20-22
In developing the Swansea Muscularity Attitudes Questionnaire, a study was designed to investigate men’s concerns about muscularity. The results suggest that men engage in activities that increase their muscularity because they perceive muscularity will enhance their feelings of masculinity and confidence while improving their attractiveness.
In an experimental study, a computerized body image assessment was used in 27 men with an eating disorder (17 with anorexia nervosa, 10 with bulimia nervosa), 21 men who were athletic, and 21 nonathletic age-matched controls.23 The test allowed participants to “morph” a computer image using 10 levels of muscularity and body fat to depict 4 body types: the participant’s own body, his ideal body, the body of an average man in his age-group, and the body image women would prefer. While there were few differences on the muscularity indices, there were significant differences in the body fat indices, wherein the men with anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa perceived themselves as almost twice as fat as they actually were.
Excessive exercise
More than half of the men present-ing for eating disorder treatment at Rogers Memorial Hospital report problematic exercise behaviors. Men are more susceptible than women to elements of excessive exercise, such as a lack of control, increased tolerance, and reduction in alternative activities.24
Signs of excessive exercise include highly structured and repetitive exercise routines that tend to focus more on endurance activities—most commonly, running. Patients will often engage in exercise rather than spend time with family or attend school or work. Furthermore, these patients continue to engage in exercise even when injured or despite being underweight, and they experience increased emotional distress when exercise is limited. Also, excessive exercising tends to occur in isolation, with a tendency to exercise alone or in secret.
Exercise, body image, and weight loss
The relationship between body image and exercise is not destructive if a well-balanced approach to health and personal growth is used. However, in men who do not have a well-balanced approach, there are 2 factors that may increase their risk for an eating disorder. First, they reduce food intake incrementally over time, to the point of very low calorie intake and avoidance of fats and often carbohydrates. Second, exercise activities are not aimed at maintaining strength and muscle mass; rather, there is an increase in time spent in calorie-burning activities. Both activities will accelerate inadequate nutritional intake and weight loss in patients with anorexia nervosa and appetite dyscontrol or patients with binge eating and purging with bulimia nervosa. The focus on body image and muscle definition is achieved through reduced body fat rather than increased muscle mass. Attempts at increasing food intake, and the associated fears of increasing body fat, can trigger exercise behaviors or purging.
Evaluation and treatment
Several studies suggest that men and women have a similar response to treatment.25-27 In general, treatment for males with eating disorders focuses on 3 important factors:
• Setting nutritional goals aimed at normalizing weight (and therefore normalizing physiology and partially reversing physiological changes associated with weight loss), normalizing food intake, reducing the number of feared foods, and reducing behaviors to compensate for eating or fear of weight gain.
• Identifying and challenging errors in thinking about food, weight, and shape using CBT.
• Identifying obstacles to recovery that ideally should be addressed to improve treatment response and ultimately increase the chances of full recovery.These can be grouped together and include other co-occurring Axis I psychiatric conditions, such as affective, anxiety, or substance abuse disorders; adverse treatment experiences; and traumatic experiences, such as sexual abuse or weight-based victimization.
Weight restoration. Nutritional intervention for males with anorexia nervosa involves stopping weight loss, restoring weight, and normalizing eating behavior. The information available to guide us in determining what is normal weight or a weight that maximizes the chances of recovery from anorexia nervosa is greater for females than for males.28 For females, guidelines for determining body weight for recovery include return of normal menstrual function. For underweight male patients, who are susceptible to hypothalamic hypogonadism and osteoporosis, measurements of serum testosterone levels can be imprecise but helpful in assessing nutritional status. Study findings indicate that patient education concerning the negative impact of malnutrition on physical health can be effective in challenging eating disorder beliefs and facilitating treatment progress.29 An adequate weight history, adolescent growth charts, and family characteristics, can also be helpful.
Ideally, the amount of weight gain should be determined by a medical or dietary professional experienced with eating disorders. During the weight gain phase, patients should be strongly encouraged to significantly limit or refrain from excessive physical activity. Anxiety during weight gain should be redirected toward working on self-esteem and coping skills, as well as exploring antecedents of the eating disorder that often relate to body weight, such as teasing or bullying.
Males tend to overvalue muscularity in terms of body image and therefore are much more concerned about building muscle with weight gain and are fearful of body fat, whereas females are more fearful of any type of weight gain or increase in size. Males also tend to be more fearful of fats and carbohydrates in food compared with females who are more calorie-avoidant in general. It is also important to address dietary behaviors that are very rigid and limited in terms of food varieties because these typically are related to resistance to eating normally and decreased treatment effectiveness.
CBT. On the basis of clinical experience, CBT appears to be a very useful treatment for males with eating disorders. CBT gives patients a framework with which to work on eating disorder symptoms as well as on anxiety and affective disorders. In addition, CBT helps identify and challenge errors in thinking concerning food, weight, body image, and the drive to exercise, along with the many different triggers, thoughts, and feelings associated with eating disorder behaviors.
Males with eating disorders tend to externalize emotional distress and, in general, are less likely to be comfortable talking about their feelings, negative experiences, or life events. CBT provides an understandable and structured approach that both addresses externalizing tendencies and facilitates a positive exploration of thoughts and feelings.
For males, as for females, the average length of time between onset of illness and treatment is approximately 5 years.30 Patients often report feeling forced into treatment. Engaging the male patient in treatment can be facilitated using all-male treatment groups. In these groups, males see other males discussing eating disorder symptoms that typically have been viewed as “female” problems, and they experience appropriate emotional expression that is identified as strength rather than weakness.
Because of the increased likelihood of externalized coping skills and anger as a symptom of depression, a treatment team member’s ability to be comfortable with the male population can facilitate expression of thoughts and feelings as an alternative to less helpful coping skills. Family therapy is essential to allow for appropriate and productive emotional expression and healthy conflict for patients, rather than using eating disorder behaviors as the main mechanism for emotional regulation. Experiential therapy programs that include art therapy, movement, and recreation therapy are particularly useful for work on body image and healthy nonverbal expression, team building, problem solving, and exercise issues.
Approach to excessive exercise. As part of treatment, excessive exercise behaviors often need to be addressed. Ideally, therapy should be individualized for the patient on the basis of fitness beliefs and behav-iors. Obtaining collateral information from parents, former medical and behavioral health care providers, and coaches is recommended because patients typically minimize these behaviors and are often reluctant to identify exercise behaviors as dysfunctional.
For treatment of underweight persons, all but the most quiescent fitness activities are suspended until weight restoration is progressing satisfactorily. Once there is a positive response to nutritional and other components of treatment, fitness activities are introduced slowly and re-sponses are observed closely. This is difficult for many persons with eating disorders at this level of care, but particularly so for athletes or those who identify closely with athletics.
Men with an eating disorder who present for treatment with exercise concerns generally fall into 3 groups. First, there are those who use exercise behaviors in an addictive fashion as mood enhancement. These patients report a history of behaviors such as lying about their exercise to family and friends and using exercise to avoid difficult emotions. When exercise is discontinued in a structured treatment environment, patients exhibit moderate to severe symptoms of irritability and sometimes an increase in depression. These patients benefit from exploring the source of their dedication and how it has led to disordered eating.
A second cluster of patients are compulsive exercisers. They have highly ritualized exercise behaviors that result in anxiety when disrupted. These patients often have co-occurring obsessive-compulsive symptoms not related to exercise. Such patients are treated with exposure and ritual prevention as well as experiential therapy.
Finally, the third group is made up of patients whose lives have simply become out of balance with a dedication to fitness and athletics in conjunction with problematic eating. Similar to the first group, these patients also benefit from exploring the source of their dedication and how it has led to disordered eating.
Summary
It is likely that rates of eating disorders in males will continue to increase.31While differences exist in risk factors and symptom expression in males with eating disorders, a growing body of evidence suggests that males respond well to treatment. However, treatment needs to be individualized for the male patient, ideally in a setting with other males and with staff experienced in working with males. Obstacles to treatment include a lack of awareness that males are at risk for eating disorders and male perception that having an eating disorder is very stigmatizing.28,32
References
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21. Brownell KD, Napolitano MA. Distorting reality for children: body size proportions of Barbie and Ken dolls. Int J Eat Disord. 1995;18:295-298.
22. Andersen RE, Barlett SJ, Morgan GD, Brownell KD. Weight loss, psychological, and nutritional patterns in competitive male body builders. Int J Eat Disord. 1995;18:49-57.
23. Mangweth B, Hausmann A, Walch T, et al. Body fat perception in eating-disordered men. Int J Eat Disord. 2004;35:102-108.
24. Hausenblas HA, Downs DS. Relationship among sex, imagery, and exercise dependence symptoms. Psychol Addict Behav. 2002;16:169-172.
25. Bean P, Loomis CC, Timmel P, et al. Outcome variables for anorexic males and females one year after discharge from residential treatment. J Addict Dis. 2004;23:83-94.
26. Andersen AE, Holman JE. Males with eating disorders: challenges for treatment and research. Psychopharmacol Bull. 1997;33:391-397.
27. Woodside DB, Kaplan AS. Day hospital treatment in males with eating disorders—response and comparison to females. J Psychosom Res. 1994;38:471-475.
28. Baran SA, Weltzin TE, Kaye WH. Low discharge weight and outcome in anorexia nervosa. Am J Psychiatry. 1995;152:1070-1072.
29. Mehler PS, Sabel AL, Watson T, Andersen AE. High risk of osteoporosis in male patients with eating disorders. Int J Eat Disord. 2008;41:666-672.
30. Braun DL, Sunday SR, Huang A, Halmi KA. More males seek treatment for eating disorders. Int J Eat Disord. 1999;25:415-424.
31. Darcy AM. Eating disorders in adolescent males: a critical examination of five common assumptions. Adolesc Psychiatry. 2011;1:307-312.
32. Robinson, AL, Boachie A, Lafrance GA. Assessment and treatment of pediatric eating disorders: a survey of physicians and psychologists. J Can Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2012;21:45-52.
Psychiatric Times This article originally appeared on:
APA Reference
Martin, L. (2012). Eating Disorders in Males: Clinical Characteristics and Treatment. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 23, 2013, from http://pro.psychcentral.com/2012/eating-disorders-in-males-clinical-characteristics-and-treatment/001157.html
Males conservatively make up approximately 10% of anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa patients (bulimia nervosa is the more common disorder). The typical age range at presentation is adolescence to young adulthood.1 However, for binge eating disorder, rates for males are comparable to those for females, and at presentation, patients are typically adults. Binge eating disorder is often associated with obesity and the medical consequences of weight gain.2
High-risk groups
The cause of eating disorders is multifactorial and typically manifests as idealizing dieting and weight loss. However, there are characteristics that are predictive of high risk for eating disorders in males.
Exercise and athletic competition, especially sports that require low body fat or extremes of weight loss, represent risks for disordered eating. A Norwegian study of elite athletes found that the rates of eating disorders in males were twice those of the general male population. For males who participate in antigravitation sports, such as high-jumping and pole-vaulting, the rates are particularly increased.3 The risk of eating disorders among triathletes also seems to be increased, as determined by increased scores on tests for abnormal eating.4 At least one study in male cyclists found that perfectionism may predict an increased likelihood of disordered eating.5
Not only are rates of eating disorder diagnoses higher in homosexual men than in heterosexual men, but also scores on ratings of eating psychopathology and body image concerns, media influence, and body image–related anxiety are higher.6,7 Evidence suggests that younger, heavier gay men are at increased risk for eating disorders.8 Sexual identity disorders may also increase the risk of eating disorders.9,10 In addition, gay males experience higher levels of peer pressure to maintain a particular body type than do straight males, and higher levels of body dissatisfaction may account for higher levels of disordered eating.11
Males who present for treatment are much more likely than females to have been subjected to weight-based victimization and to have a history of being overweight.12 Other factors that may increase the risk of an eating disorder in males include alcoholism and physical abuse.13-16
Comorbidity
In patients with eating disorders, there are high rates of chemical dependency, depression, and anxiety disorders. A large Canadian study of a nonclinical sample found that women who scored high on an eating disorder self-report measure were about 3 times as likely to have a comorbid substance use disorder, while men were about 2 times as likely.17,18 Both males and females often use drugs of abuse that have appetite suppressant characteristics. Typically, this involves the use of cocaine or other illicit and prescription stimulants to reduce appetite and facilitate restrictive eating.19 Compared with the general population, men with eating disorders have been found to be 4.6 times more likely to suffer from an anxiety disorder, and women, 4.2 times more likely.18
(MORE: Neuropsychiatric Differences Between Boys and Girls With ADHD)
Body image
Not surprisingly, evidence indicates that men are as concerned about body image as women.19 However, unlike women whose preferred body image is thin, men’s preferred body image is muscular. Factors that contribute to an abnormal desired, or “idealized,” body and body image distortion in males include the media, cultural changes leading to unrealistic expectation of body image and muscularity, and body building.20-22
In developing the Swansea Muscularity Attitudes Questionnaire, a study was designed to investigate men’s concerns about muscularity. The results suggest that men engage in activities that increase their muscularity because they perceive muscularity will enhance their feelings of masculinity and confidence while improving their attractiveness.
In an experimental study, a computerized body image assessment was used in 27 men with an eating disorder (17 with anorexia nervosa, 10 with bulimia nervosa), 21 men who were athletic, and 21 nonathletic age-matched controls.23 The test allowed participants to “morph” a computer image using 10 levels of muscularity and body fat to depict 4 body types: the participant’s own body, his ideal body, the body of an average man in his age-group, and the body image women would prefer. While there were few differences on the muscularity indices, there were significant differences in the body fat indices, wherein the men with anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa perceived themselves as almost twice as fat as they actually were.
Excessive exercise
More than half of the men present-ing for eating disorder treatment at Rogers Memorial Hospital report problematic exercise behaviors. Men are more susceptible than women to elements of excessive exercise, such as a lack of control, increased tolerance, and reduction in alternative activities.24
Signs of excessive exercise include highly structured and repetitive exercise routines that tend to focus more on endurance activities—most commonly, running. Patients will often engage in exercise rather than spend time with family or attend school or work. Furthermore, these patients continue to engage in exercise even when injured or despite being underweight, and they experience increased emotional distress when exercise is limited. Also, excessive exercising tends to occur in isolation, with a tendency to exercise alone or in secret.
Exercise, body image, and weight loss
The relationship between body image and exercise is not destructive if a well-balanced approach to health and personal growth is used. However, in men who do not have a well-balanced approach, there are 2 factors that may increase their risk for an eating disorder. First, they reduce food intake incrementally over time, to the point of very low calorie intake and avoidance of fats and often carbohydrates. Second, exercise activities are not aimed at maintaining strength and muscle mass; rather, there is an increase in time spent in calorie-burning activities. Both activities will accelerate inadequate nutritional intake and weight loss in patients with anorexia nervosa and appetite dyscontrol or patients with binge eating and purging with bulimia nervosa. The focus on body image and muscle definition is achieved through reduced body fat rather than increased muscle mass. Attempts at increasing food intake, and the associated fears of increasing body fat, can trigger exercise behaviors or purging.
Evaluation and treatment
Several studies suggest that men and women have a similar response to treatment.25-27 In general, treatment for males with eating disorders focuses on 3 important factors:
• Setting nutritional goals aimed at normalizing weight (and therefore normalizing physiology and partially reversing physiological changes associated with weight loss), normalizing food intake, reducing the number of feared foods, and reducing behaviors to compensate for eating or fear of weight gain.
• Identifying and challenging errors in thinking about food, weight, and shape using CBT.
• Identifying obstacles to recovery that ideally should be addressed to improve treatment response and ultimately increase the chances of full recovery.These can be grouped together and include other co-occurring Axis I psychiatric conditions, such as affective, anxiety, or substance abuse disorders; adverse treatment experiences; and traumatic experiences, such as sexual abuse or weight-based victimization.
Weight restoration. Nutritional intervention for males with anorexia nervosa involves stopping weight loss, restoring weight, and normalizing eating behavior. The information available to guide us in determining what is normal weight or a weight that maximizes the chances of recovery from anorexia nervosa is greater for females than for males.28 For females, guidelines for determining body weight for recovery include return of normal menstrual function. For underweight male patients, who are susceptible to hypothalamic hypogonadism and osteoporosis, measurements of serum testosterone levels can be imprecise but helpful in assessing nutritional status. Study findings indicate that patient education concerning the negative impact of malnutrition on physical health can be effective in challenging eating disorder beliefs and facilitating treatment progress.29 An adequate weight history, adolescent growth charts, and family characteristics, can also be helpful.
Ideally, the amount of weight gain should be determined by a medical or dietary professional experienced with eating disorders. During the weight gain phase, patients should be strongly encouraged to significantly limit or refrain from excessive physical activity. Anxiety during weight gain should be redirected toward working on self-esteem and coping skills, as well as exploring antecedents of the eating disorder that often relate to body weight, such as teasing or bullying.
Males tend to overvalue muscularity in terms of body image and therefore are much more concerned about building muscle with weight gain and are fearful of body fat, whereas females are more fearful of any type of weight gain or increase in size. Males also tend to be more fearful of fats and carbohydrates in food compared with females who are more calorie-avoidant in general. It is also important to address dietary behaviors that are very rigid and limited in terms of food varieties because these typically are related to resistance to eating normally and decreased treatment effectiveness.
CBT. On the basis of clinical experience, CBT appears to be a very useful treatment for males with eating disorders. CBT gives patients a framework with which to work on eating disorder symptoms as well as on anxiety and affective disorders. In addition, CBT helps identify and challenge errors in thinking concerning food, weight, body image, and the drive to exercise, along with the many different triggers, thoughts, and feelings associated with eating disorder behaviors.
Males with eating disorders tend to externalize emotional distress and, in general, are less likely to be comfortable talking about their feelings, negative experiences, or life events. CBT provides an understandable and structured approach that both addresses externalizing tendencies and facilitates a positive exploration of thoughts and feelings.
For males, as for females, the average length of time between onset of illness and treatment is approximately 5 years.30 Patients often report feeling forced into treatment. Engaging the male patient in treatment can be facilitated using all-male treatment groups. In these groups, males see other males discussing eating disorder symptoms that typically have been viewed as “female” problems, and they experience appropriate emotional expression that is identified as strength rather than weakness.
Because of the increased likelihood of externalized coping skills and anger as a symptom of depression, a treatment team member’s ability to be comfortable with the male population can facilitate expression of thoughts and feelings as an alternative to less helpful coping skills. Family therapy is essential to allow for appropriate and productive emotional expression and healthy conflict for patients, rather than using eating disorder behaviors as the main mechanism for emotional regulation. Experiential therapy programs that include art therapy, movement, and recreation therapy are particularly useful for work on body image and healthy nonverbal expression, team building, problem solving, and exercise issues.
Approach to excessive exercise. As part of treatment, excessive exercise behaviors often need to be addressed. Ideally, therapy should be individualized for the patient on the basis of fitness beliefs and behav-iors. Obtaining collateral information from parents, former medical and behavioral health care providers, and coaches is recommended because patients typically minimize these behaviors and are often reluctant to identify exercise behaviors as dysfunctional.
For treatment of underweight persons, all but the most quiescent fitness activities are suspended until weight restoration is progressing satisfactorily. Once there is a positive response to nutritional and other components of treatment, fitness activities are introduced slowly and re-sponses are observed closely. This is difficult for many persons with eating disorders at this level of care, but particularly so for athletes or those who identify closely with athletics.
Men with an eating disorder who present for treatment with exercise concerns generally fall into 3 groups. First, there are those who use exercise behaviors in an addictive fashion as mood enhancement. These patients report a history of behaviors such as lying about their exercise to family and friends and using exercise to avoid difficult emotions. When exercise is discontinued in a structured treatment environment, patients exhibit moderate to severe symptoms of irritability and sometimes an increase in depression. These patients benefit from exploring the source of their dedication and how it has led to disordered eating.
A second cluster of patients are compulsive exercisers. They have highly ritualized exercise behaviors that result in anxiety when disrupted. These patients often have co-occurring obsessive-compulsive symptoms not related to exercise. Such patients are treated with exposure and ritual prevention as well as experiential therapy.
Finally, the third group is made up of patients whose lives have simply become out of balance with a dedication to fitness and athletics in conjunction with problematic eating. Similar to the first group, these patients also benefit from exploring the source of their dedication and how it has led to disordered eating.
Summary
It is likely that rates of eating disorders in males will continue to increase.31While differences exist in risk factors and symptom expression in males with eating disorders, a growing body of evidence suggests that males respond well to treatment. However, treatment needs to be individualized for the male patient, ideally in a setting with other males and with staff experienced in working with males. Obstacles to treatment include a lack of awareness that males are at risk for eating disorders and male perception that having an eating disorder is very stigmatizing.28,32
References
1. Carlat DJ, Camargo CA Jr, Herzog DB. Eating disorders in males: a report on 135 patients. Am J Psychiatry. 1997;154:1127-1132.
2. Striegel-Moore RH, Franko DL. Epidemiology of binge eating disorder. Int J Eat Disord. 2003;34(suppl):S19-S29.
3. Sundgot-Borgen J, Torstveit MK. Prevalence of eating disorders in elite athletes is higher than in the general population. Clin J Sport Med. 2004;14:25-32.
4. Di Gioacchino De Bate R, Wethington H, Sargent R. Sub-clinical eating disorder characteristics among male and female triathletes. Eat Weight Disord. 2002;7:210-220.
5. Ferrand C, Brunet E. Perfectionism and risk for disordered eating among young French male cyclists of high performance. Percept Mot Skills. 2004;99(3, pt 1):959-967.
6. Russell CJ, Keel PK. Homosexuality as a specific risk factor for eating disorders in men. Int J Eat Disord. 2002;31:300-306.
7. Carper TL, Negy C, Tantleff-Dunn S. Relations among media influence, body image, eating concerns and sexual orientation in men: a preliminary investigation. Body Image. 2010;7:301-309.
8. Boisvert JA, Harrell WA. Homosexuality as a risk factor for eating disorder symptomatology in men. J Men Studies. 2009;17(3):210-225.
9. Surgenor LJ, Fear JL. Eating disorder in a transgendered patient: a case report. Int J Eat Disord. 1998;24:449-452.
10. Hepp U, Milos G. Gender identity disorder and eating disorders. Int J Eat Disord. 2002;32:473-478.
11. Hospers HJ, Jansen A. Why homosexuality is a risk factor for eating disorders in males. J Soc Clin Psychol. 2005;24:1188-1201.
12. Gueguen J, Godart N, Chambry J, et al. Severe anorexia nervosa in men: comparison with severe AN in women and analysis of mortality. Int J Eat Disord. 2012;45:537-545.
13. Johnson JG, Cohen P, Kasen S, Brook JS. Childhood adversities associated with risk for eating disorders or weight problems during adolescence or early adulthood. Am J Psychiatry. 2002;159:394-400.
14. Striegel-Moore RH, Garvin V, Dohm FA, Rosenheck RA. Psychiatric comorbidity of eating disorders in men: a national study of hospitalized veterans. Int J Eat Disord. 1999;25:399-404.
15. Womble LG, Williamson DA, Martin CK, et al. Psychosocial variables associated with binge eating in obese males and females. Int J Eat Disord. 2001;30:217-221.
16. Zipfel S, Löwe B, Reas DL, et al. Long-term prognosis in anorexia nervosa: lessons from a 21-year follow-up study. Lancet. 2000;355:721-722.
17. Gadalla TM. Psychiatric comorbidity in eating disorders: a comparison of men and women. J Men Health. 2008;5:209-217.
18. Gadalla T, Piran N. Eating disorders and substance abuse in Canadian men and women: a national study. Eat Disord. 2007;15:189-203.
19. Edwards S, Launder C. Investigating muscularity concerns in male body image: development of the Swansea Muscularity Attitudes Questionnaire. Int J Eat Disord. 2000;28:120-124.
20. Leit RA, Gray JJ, Pope HG Jr. The media’s representation of the ideal male body: a cause for muscle dysmorphia? Int J Eat Disord. 2002;31:334-338.
21. Brownell KD, Napolitano MA. Distorting reality for children: body size proportions of Barbie and Ken dolls. Int J Eat Disord. 1995;18:295-298.
22. Andersen RE, Barlett SJ, Morgan GD, Brownell KD. Weight loss, psychological, and nutritional patterns in competitive male body builders. Int J Eat Disord. 1995;18:49-57.
23. Mangweth B, Hausmann A, Walch T, et al. Body fat perception in eating-disordered men. Int J Eat Disord. 2004;35:102-108.
24. Hausenblas HA, Downs DS. Relationship among sex, imagery, and exercise dependence symptoms. Psychol Addict Behav. 2002;16:169-172.
25. Bean P, Loomis CC, Timmel P, et al. Outcome variables for anorexic males and females one year after discharge from residential treatment. J Addict Dis. 2004;23:83-94.
26. Andersen AE, Holman JE. Males with eating disorders: challenges for treatment and research. Psychopharmacol Bull. 1997;33:391-397.
27. Woodside DB, Kaplan AS. Day hospital treatment in males with eating disorders—response and comparison to females. J Psychosom Res. 1994;38:471-475.
28. Baran SA, Weltzin TE, Kaye WH. Low discharge weight and outcome in anorexia nervosa. Am J Psychiatry. 1995;152:1070-1072.
29. Mehler PS, Sabel AL, Watson T, Andersen AE. High risk of osteoporosis in male patients with eating disorders. Int J Eat Disord. 2008;41:666-672.
30. Braun DL, Sunday SR, Huang A, Halmi KA. More males seek treatment for eating disorders. Int J Eat Disord. 1999;25:415-424.
31. Darcy AM. Eating disorders in adolescent males: a critical examination of five common assumptions. Adolesc Psychiatry. 2011;1:307-312.
32. Robinson, AL, Boachie A, Lafrance GA. Assessment and treatment of pediatric eating disorders: a survey of physicians and psychologists. J Can Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2012;21:45-52.
Psychiatric Times This article originally appeared on:
APA Reference
Martin, L. (2012). Eating Disorders in Males: Clinical Characteristics and Treatment. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 23, 2013, from http://pro.psychcentral.com/2012/eating-disorders-in-males-clinical-characteristics-and-treatment/001157.html
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