Are you ready to be your own person? Are you ready to move beyond
neediness and into emotional freedom? Are you ready to stop needing
others to make you feel that you are okay? Are you ready to learn to
fill yourself with love and define your own worth?
I hope so! Being emotionally dependent is not fun!
When you are emotionally dependent, you set yourself up to be a victim
of others' choices. If others are loving and caring, then you feel good,
but if others are rejecting, you feel bad. You place your emotional
wellbeing into others' hands, rather than taking responsibility for your
own feelings and defining your own worth. Do you really want to go on
living this way when there is another, far more fulfilling way to live?
I, like most people, grew up being emotionally dependent. I spent years
feeling the anxiety that comes from needing others’ approval to feel
lovable and worthy. I spent years feeling the inner aloneness that comes
from self-abandonment. And I spent years in therapy trying to find out
what was wrong and what to do about it. Yet I never learned, in all my
reading and all my therapy - and all the years I spent in school getting
my Ph.D. in psychology - that the cause of all my problems was
self-abandonment.
As I look back on my growing-up years, I see that there was not one
person in my life that wasn’t role modeling self-abandonment. Both of my
parents were deeply emotionally dependent, as were my grandparents,
aunts and uncles, and family friends. Nothing in books, in the media, or
in school ever taught me how to attain emotional freedom - how to take
loving care of myself so that I was not emotionally dependent on others’
approval, love and attention. I was run by my desire to have control
over getting approval and avoiding disapproval.
Life is totally different, now that I know that it is not only my
responsibility to give myself the love and approval I used to seek from
others, but it is my right and my privilege. I was taught that it was
selfish to take loving care of myself - that being a good person meant
sacrificing myself and taking care of others instead. I was taught that
my good feelings about myself had to come from others' approval. I was
told that if I loved and valued myself, I was being arrogant. "Who do
you think you are?" Wow, what awful conditioning many of us experience.
I, like you, am a child of Divine Love, here to fully express the love,
gifts and talents that I am. Within me - and you - is an incredible
soul, the spark of the Divine within me, the part of me - and you - that
is created in the image of God. It is my privilege, and yours, to take
loving care of this soul - to nurture a healthy body as the house for my
soul, to choose the thoughts and actions that create peace and joy
within, to not indulge in thoughts and actions that create distress, and
to making loving myself and others my highest priority.
When you choose the intention to learn to be loving to yourself and
others, rather than the intention to control getting love and avoiding
pain, you will learn how to move beyond emotional dependency and into
emotional freedom. It is your moment-by-moment intention that determines
your level of emotional dependency or your level of emotional freedom.
