Assertiveness
for Earth Angels
"Earth
Angels are obsessed with other people’s happiness. If anyone whom you love is
unhappy, you become upset. You may blame yourself for their unhappiness, which
creates the Earth Angel cycle of co-dependency, where your own happiness is
dependent upon another’s. And since you can’t control other people’s happiness,
you feel unable to predict or control your own happiness since it’s contingent
upon others being happy.
Earth
Angels are usually “conflict phobic,” meaning that they fear arguments and
confrontations. Angry people are the opposite of happy people, to an Earth
Angel. So if faced with an angry person, an Earth Angel will shut down and
usually comply with the angry person’s wishes. Earth Angels feel like it’s
their fault if someone’s unhappy or angry. They feel like they’ve failed in
their mission to bring happiness to others. As a result, Earth Angels will do
practically anything to keep the peace!
Their
conflict phobia makes Earth Angels targets for manipulative people who take
advantage of others’ niceness. Before they learn their Earthly lesson about
holding boundaries, Earth Angels usually fall under the spell of narcissistic
people who only care about their own needs. We’ll discuss this topic in depth
throughout this book.
Earth Angels
find themselves in a bind because their life purpose is to bring peace to the
world. Earth Angels are lights sent from heaven to shine peace and happiness
and lift others’ consciousness and vibrations. So Earth Angels are usually the
world’s kindness, nicest, and gentlest people! In fact, they pride themselves
on being sweet in the roughest of situations (although Earth Angels do lose
their tempers when pushed to their limit).
Earth
Angels view themselves as tough, even though they’re highly sensitive. They
shoulder other people’s burdens and rarely ask for help from others. If help is
offered, Earth Angels won’t accept it. They’re afraid of “bothering” anyone. An
Earth Angel thinks: “If I allow this person to help me, I’m making them go to a
lot of trouble which might result in them feeling tired or sad. I don’t want to
inflict that on another person, so I’ll just do everything myself.”
Because
Earth Angels can see everyone’s hidden potentials and inner light, they tend to
overlook other people’s hurtful behavior – especially towards themselves. An
Earth Angel will make excuses about someone who’s mistreating them. The Earth
Angel will say, “Oh they didn't mean it, it wasn't that bad,” or “They were
just having a bad day.” The person who’s acting hurtfully doesn't need to
expend any effort in justifying their behavior, because the Earth Angel does it
for them!
How is
someone supposed to learn about the effects of their behavior if Earth Angels
are constantly making excuses for them? How is a person supposed to take
responsibility for their life, if Earth Angels are offering to do everything
for them?
Earth
Angels are here to bring more light into the world, not to enable people’s
egocentric behavior! By constantly giving in all of their relationships, Earth
Angels suffer from symptoms of imbalances, including:
Resentment.
Feeling used for being nice, and not having the niceness reciprocated. This
resentment builds up and becomes a toxic acidic energy which sours the Earth
Angel and can lead to health consequences.
Fatigue.
Constantly giving is draining on your time, energy, finances, and other
resources. You may stay up late and get up early to have enough time to give to
others.
Money
Issues. Are you paying for everything? This is an unhealthy imbalance in your
relationships.
Health
Issues. Earth Angels develop serious health issues from their energy
imbalances. These can range from skin issues (repressed anger) to weight issues
(protecting yourself with body fat) to throat issues (fear of speaking up) to
breast issues (nursing everyone until you’re drained).
If you have
high self-esteem, you’ll choose relationships with nice people who won’t take
advantage of you. However, most Earth Angels are attracted to unhappy people
who need “fixing.” This gives the Earth Angels a sense of purpose.
You might
meet truly nice people, but not notice or be attracted to them because they’re
already healed. So your heart beats faster when you meet unhappy or angry
people, because they present a challenge. “I can make him happy,” you
unconsciously decide.
Other
people can sense that you’re desperate for them to be happy. So they start to
take advantage of you and depend upon you for their entertainment, support, and
happiness. And when they’re unhappy (which is most of the time, because only
they can give happiness to themselves and we’re unhappy when we’re taking
advantage of someone else, or looking outside of ourselves for happiness), they
blame you! And you then blame yourself and your light dims.
Part of
your life’s purpose is learning how to have healthy boundaries with others.
It’s about loving people in a way that’s healthy, instead of “enabling” them.
"The
only way to deal with a selfish or narcissistic person or corporation is to
have clear boundaries. They will only respect you if you stand up for yourself.
If you just smile and go along with them, they won't respect you, and they'll
abuse you even more.
You can
have boundaries and stand up for yourself lovingly and peacefully. But being
conflict-phobic and avoiding conflict just invites more abuse from those who
are narcissistic.
Narcissists
will try to control you by manipulating you with fear. Studies show that
animals or people who surrender to physically or emotionally abusive situations
develop "learned helplessness" or depression.
There is
NOTHING TO FEAR by speaking up, as long as you do so with love and peace.
Speaking up and setting clear boundaries is the only way to gain respect from
your own self and those who aren't naturally thoughtful.
In what
ways have you stood up for yourself? And what did you learn from the
experience? "
"Do
people take advantage of your niceness? In her new book,
Assertiveness for Earth Angels: How To Be Loving Instead of “Too Nice”,
Doreen Virtue teaches Earth Angels—those extremely sweet people who
care
more about others’ happiness than their own—how to maintain their inner
peace and loving nature while at the same time holding boundaries. It’s
about discovering and overcoming fears about saying “no,” and about how
to ask for what you want from those around you and from the universe.
It’s for anyone who wants to learn the art of speaking up in
relationships and in their activism about issues related to the
world—and negotiating your earthly needs in heavenly ways.
Avoiding
Conflict
Whenever we
avoid conflict by keeping our feelings to ourselves, we do ourselves and others
a disservice. This is a form of dishonesty and manipulation. We’re trying to
control the other person’s reactions by controlling what we tell them.
So when
someone asks you if you’re upset and you say that you aren’t when you really
are, you’re being controlling. You’re trying to keep them from being angry with
you or from starting an argument with you. Or, you’re holding your feelings
inside to prevent the other person from seeing that you are hurt.
Now, that
doesn’t mean you have to go to the other extreme and bulldoze the other person
with the blunt truth.
There’s an
in-between way to handle conflict that’s just right and very healthy and
honest. After you’ve collected your thoughts and feelings, go to the person and
say this magical phrase: “I’d like to clear some things with you.”
This
nonthreatening phrase keeps communication open because the other person doesn’t
feel accused. Start by taking a deep breath and silently praying for strength
and a clear mind. Even though your heart may be racing and you might even be
perspiring, know that anytime you do something for the first time, you’ll feel
intimidated or afraid. Each time you practice a new behavior, it becomes more
natural and easier.
Look the
other person in the eye and say to him or her from your heart and without
apology: “I really care about our relationship, so I need to share my feelings
in order for us to clear them.”
Now, the
other person may feel threatened by this and might immediately become defensive
or even argumentative. Don’t let this throw you, unless the other person
becomes verbally or physically abusive.
(Don’t try
to negotiate with an abusive person, especially if he or she intoxicated. If
abuse occurs, leave immediately and seek appropriate support or protection.)
In most
situations, others will be open to hearing you. During your discussion, it’s
vital that you own your feelings. This means: don’t use blaming or shaming
words. Even if you do blame them, saying that you do will shut down all further
communication.
Use phrases
such as I feel, I felt, and to me. This way, you’re not poking and prodding at
the other person and inadvertently provoking their defensiveness.
Do your
best to keep your cool while talking about and owning your feelings. If you
start to cry, let yourself be real. The same with anger: allow yourself to be
authentic, but don’t act on this emotion, such as by yelling or calling names.
Also, please don’t put yourself down in any way.
Don’t
diminish, disparage, or apologize for your feelings . . . ever! Remember: You
have a right to your feelings, even if other people don’t understand or agree
with them! Your feelings are your signals of deep truths inside of you. They’re
the language of your soul, and they need you to listen to them.
After
you’ve talked about your feelings, allow the other person to explain his or her
own. There are always two sides to every story. However, notice your gut
feelings while you’re listening. If you get an uneasy feeling that the other
person is covering his or her tracks or being dishonest with you, then note
that—because he or she probably is.
As your
assertiveness level grows stronger, you’ll have the courage to say to a person
who’s lying to you, “I don’t believe what you’re saying,” or something
equivalent. But for now, just notice that you get the feeling that he or she is
being dishonest, manipulative, or defensive.
This isn’t
the kind of person you want to spend much time with. Those are toxic behavior
patterns that permeate all of that individual’s relationships.
If the
other person starts blaming you or is defensive, the conversation will go in an
unhealthful direction. Blaming is a key symptom of the ego’s fears about being
exposed. As long as one or both of you are involved in blaming, nothing will
get resolved.
Toxic
relationships will pull you down every time. You don’t need to have a toxic
relationship when there are so many nontoxic potential friends and partners
available. Never believe you have to settle for an unhealthy relationship. You
don’t.
Boundaries
A boundary
is your limit, which no one can overstep or violate. No matter who the other
person is or how much you love him or her, your boundary is something that he
or she is not allowed to breach.
For
instance, I have boundaries in all of my relationships that dictate that you
must treat me with respect. I, in turn, will treat you with respect. This is a
nonnegotiable boundary for me, and if anyone violates this and is disrespectful
toward me, I will try to clear the energy by discussing my feelings and
boundaries, and then listening to the other person. If he or she continues to
be disrespectful toward me, the relationship is over, without any guilt on my
part. I still love the person, but because of the behavior overstepping my firm
boundary, I no longer have contact with him or her. Boundaries are a necessary
part of self-care, just like washing your hair or wearing shoes to protect your
feet. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.
Every
relationship has issues and negotiations about each person’s personal
boundaries. So it’s not whether you have conflict, but how you deal with
conflict that matters for a long-term relationship.
Personal
boundaries include how much . . .
. . . body
space and distance from other people you need.
. . . time
alone you prefer.
. . .
affection and romance you need.
. . . you
need to hear words of affection.
. . . you
need your personal items to be left alone and untouched by others.
. . . you
require honesty, reliability, and sobriety within the relationship.
. . .
financial equality and fairness matter to you [. . . and so forth].
Part of
being an assertive Earth Angel is learning how to have the strength and the
courage to maintain your boundaries. It can get exhausting when it feels like
other people are trying to step all over your boundaries. It might wear you
down, and you start to think: Does this really matter? Well, it does!
Your inner
self relies upon your outer self for caretaking. You might say that your inner
self is like a little child you’re nurturing. That means that if it’s tired or
needs to play, your outer self should honor this and not push your inner self
beyond its limits.
Even though
the other person may be disappointed or even angry when you say no, believe me
when I tell you that he or she does understand. Remember that the other person
is human, too, and knows what limitations are like. Even if your refusal comes
as a disappointment, deep down he or she will respect you for it!
When you
say no, you’re modeling healthy behavior for others. Part of the reason why
they may react angrily toward you is because it’s never occurred to them that
they could say no to unreasonable demands put upon their own time!
So when you
do something that people haven’t seen you do previously—like saying no—they may
be surprised. They may take your no personally, and it’s okay for you to
briefly explain that this isn’t anything personal and has to do with you
maintaining clear boundaries with respect to your schedule.
Don’t feel
like you have to explain why you’re saying no, though. The more you explain
why, the more leverage the other person has, which he or she can use to
manipulate you into changing that no into a yes.
Boundaries
mean that you teach people what you will and won’t accept in the relationship.
They can be a lot of work, but that’s what it takes to build a healthy relationship
with yourself and others.
Another
important boundary is to respect your right to schedule your time. Don’t allow
others to dictate your schedule to you. For instance, you have the right to not
answer the phone or doorbell when it rings, and to not feel obligated to
immediately answer e-mails or social-media posts. If someone asks you to drop
everything to drive him or her across town, you have the right to say no. It’s
like the old adage “A lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency
on my part.” We must overcome impulsive rescuing tendencies.
Source Is
the Only Source
A lot of
people use guilt to manipulate others into getting their way. They also include
flattery mixed with guilt. So, as an example, they’ll say, “Only you can help
me; and if you don’t help me, there will be horrible consequences for me.”
As a
sensitive Earth Angel, you don’t want anyone to suffer, so you allow the other
person’s words to manipulate and control you. Then you feel weak and used, as
well as resentful and angry. Add to this the frustration that arises because
you’ve backtracked on your promise to take excellent care of yourself . . . and
you’ve got a heap of toxic energies inside your mind, emotions, and body.
It’s so
important to remind yourself that every person has the same Source: God. Those
who play with your emotions to get their way are creations of God, just like
you and everyone else. You’re not their God, nor are you their Source. So,
allow Source God to be the person’s caretaker. Pray for guidance about how you
can truly help him or her gain strength and be self-sufficient.
Of course,
there will be instances where you’re acting as an Earth Angel and bringing
forth God’s help through your efforts. But those instances are clearly guided
by love, not by guilt.
If you’re
giving because of guilt, it’s not true or pure giving, as was discussed in the
previous chapter. Your gift out of guilt is tainted with toxic energies."
